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Brew Reviews: Marmaduke, Splice, Killers, Get Him to the Greek, Ondine

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Thumbnail image for danahey2 copy.jpgNOTE: In a revival of this "classic" Friday feature, Courier-News reporter Mike Danahey guesses how much beer (or other beverage of choice) it might take him to pay money to see a recently-released movie. His opinions are based on trailers, ads and advance hype.

There are entirely too many mock-able movies opening the weekend of Friday, June 4...


Marmaduke

Talk about a career going to the dogs. Owen Wilson was in "Marley and Me." Now he's the voice of Marmaduke, the cartoon strip dog. Only the movie looks like it uses real animals and makes it look like they talk. Creepy. Who reads Marmaduke? Does anyone under the age of 100 even know who he is? I would only see this if Marmaduke fights a vampire pit bull.

Beer rating: Take me to the Flying Dog Brewery in Maryland instead.


Splice, Killers, Get Him to the Greek, Ondine, after the jump.

Splice

OK, one look at a poster for this flick has me heading to the bar, not the Cineplex, mighty fast. It has some sort of genetically-engineered humanoid-animal combo in a cocktail dress, high heels, Sinead O'Connor haircut and a long tail staring down two scientists in lab coats. I'm hoping it's a comedy, but I am not so sure it is. Adrien Brody stars. What happened to his Academy Award-winning career?

Beer rating: Maybe some half-and-halfs (Guinness and Harp for the uninformed) or some black velvets (Guinness and cider).

Killers

Ashton Kutcher is in this, and that's all I really need to know. Name one good Ashton Kutcher movie. This time, at 30, he's a retired assassin who moves to the suburbs with his bride, only to learn someone is out to kill him, and really, who wouldn't want to kill Ashton Kutcher? Action adventure hilarity ensues.

Beer rating: You would have to waterboard me with beer to get me to see this.


Get Him to the Greek

Tubby little Jonah Hill plays a wide-eyed, ambitious intern who is assigned the task of getting some aging, decadent Brit rock star from England to Los Angeles for a concert. This sounds like some sort of reinvention of the 1982 flick "My Favorite Year," crossed with any number of recent wacky movies. I bet there's nudity, violence and bodily function jokes. And I just heard it has characters in it from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." Ouch.

Beer rating: He drinks a whisky drink. He drinks a vodka drink. He drinks a lager drink. He drinks a cider drink. Name that tune!

Ondine

Colin Farrell stars in this myth as an Irish fisherman who catches a mermaid. See what happens when you drink Guinness? No, wait. That's what happens when I drink too much Guinness -- I think I am Colin Farrell. OK, I'm lying. I think I'm a mermaid and start flopping around like a fish.

Beer rating: Maybe a glass of warm milk. That's what you have before bedtime, when your mommy reads you a story, right?


WHAT?! You were looking for a REAL movie review? Our Sun-Times Media colleagues Roger Ebert at the Chicago Sun-Times and Josh Larsen at the Naperville Sun do a swell job at that.


-- Mike Danahey, Staff Writer



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This page contains a single entry by Emily McFarlan published on June 4, 2010 3:14 PM.

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