The Authoritative Brian Delaney

I remember the day I found out Jay Mariotti was going to officially resign from the Chicago Sun-Times . It's one of those life-changing events that will stick in my memory forever. I was sitting in a Shorewood laundromat Tuesday night when he called me out of the blue. He sounded like he was in a hurried rush, like he was running from someone. He said something like, "Delaney, it's me. I just [expletive] quit."

He yelled at me when I didn't say anything. Of course, I didn't believe him. He then went on a 40-minute tangent about how newspapers are dying and how the Web is killing everything. He was in distress. Somebody must have gotten to him in Beijing. Maybe his life is in danger. I couldn't really hear him over the dull roar of the washing machine. I told Mariotti we should catch up over a few rounds later in the week.

By the time I got to work Thursday, the situation had gone into wildfire mode. Of the 8,000 accounts written about Mariotti's sudden exodus, not one of them seemed to praise him beyond 17 years of alleged megalomania. Mariotti's departure even drove the lovable film critic Roger Ebert to leave his cinematic jurisdiction to post a 'Final F-You' letter to "Jay the Rat" on his Web site.

Man, who defecated in Ebert's tea that morning? Don't piss that guy off. He writes a mean letter and then gives you the fatal thumbs down.

Everyone has their own theory about what pushed Jay over the edge. As bad as people say he is, readers will become bored with columns and blogs that don't stir up the dust a little. It's good for business. I think Tony Montana said it best:

"You need people like me so you can point your [expletive] fingers and say, "That's the bad guy." So... what that make you? Good? You're not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don't have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you."

Jay Mariotti's departure from the Sun-Times only gives room for Brian Delaney's rapidly-expanding ego at The Herald News. In fact, Brian Delaney is so vain, he frequently writes his own Sun-Times News Group blog in third-person, so his name will appear higher up in Google search results. "It's so my parents can find me," Delaney said.

The 105th Will County Fair has come and gone. Sadly, I didn't get a chance to make it down there. Or maybe that was my excuse during the 2004-07 fairs. This year, I guess you could say I declined to go.

Oh, beloved Peotone. How I miss you like I miss laying in a hospital bed with pneumonia.

Now, don't get me wrong. I still like to visit my old stomping grounds before the airport soon crushes it all. That doesn't take away from the fact that I did a lot of hard time in that town. I know every side street and gravel road in that dusty corner of Will County. There's just not enough country wholesomeness at the fairgrounds to lure me down there anymore. To me, it's just a tourist trap for big-city folks who ain't never seen the likes of goats, cows or snakes. And once that legendary beer tent closes, it's the kill-or-be-killed, Blue Devil pride kind of stuff that I'm trying to avoid.

I used to get a taste of agriculture, literally, every morning I woke up. I certainly don't need to visit a fair to act like I have country roots for a week out of the year. It's already in my blood, like the corn in my grits. But don't let my Peotone High School diploma fool you. I have a chunk of city gruffness inside of me, too, from my time living in Homer Glen. Hence my aversion to gangs and light pollution.

But I have severely digressed to the point of this being the most irrelevant blog ever. There's only one way to get me to return to my former home town's county fair: Move it to Homer Glen.

Plus, the fair planners should consider adding politicians to the demolition derby. I would actually pay extra to watch that. And then the politicians should give slurred campaign speeches immediately following the collision match. I was able to round up congressional candidate Marty Ozgina, state Senator A.J. Wilhelmi, and Will County Executive Larry Walsh for another time-honored photoshop rendering.

Uh-oh! Look what Brian Delaney did now:

STNG FILE PHOTOS

The pressure was on for the two to get together, but were their hearts in the right place when they decided? Are they getting together because their friends want them to or do they actually have a mutual interest in each other? Deep down inside, they may despise each other. But there are more important things at stake -- like being popular.

These are secrets Obama and Biden will keep to themselves as they begin a journey down a difficult road ahead; a journey that begins in Illinois. There's even a slight Joliet-area connection! Read The Bob Okon Reports to see how much a Crest Hill woman cares about Joe Biden!

Barack and Joe are able to hide their true emotions in front of cameras, but the truth always comes out on MySpace and Facebook. Their accounts will speak volumes in the days leading up to Nov. 4.

Every time I see those hilarious Dos Esquis beer commercials (see video above), I always think of Drew Peterson. He's a real person who has done some real interesting things. And besides being interesting, Peterson has been "vindicated" as reported by Joe Hosey in The Herald News.

There's actually a Dos Esquis promotion right now to become the personal assistant of the World's Most Interesting Man. Many people think that would be an awesome gig. On the contrary, I think a more adventurous experience would be acting as the personal assistant of Drew Peterson. I would be first in line to volunteer for such position, as long as he agreed to take me up in his ultralight airplane. I've always wanted to see what Bolingbrook looks like from 1000 feet up. And I promise I won't wear any kind of state police wire or GPS device. My offer stands on the table.

It is always impressive to see creative ways our taxpayer money is put to good use -- or blatantly wasted. Sometimes we need to take a break from hard-hitting issues and waste government resources, just for fun.

I wish I had that kind of power to abuse. Instead, what I can do is begin my Digression 2008 campaign. I'm going to start pointing out all the little fallacies in Will County politics. Because if I don't, you won't have any interest to vote. This is my chance to save the country from ill-informed voters.

Anyways, Will County Circuit Clerk Pam McGuire sure has an interesting Web site. (Give it a minute to load, it's massive) I don't advise you to spend extra time reviewing this electronic detritus. However, there's something incredibly wrong about combining flash animation with a burlesque-sounding musical track. It either makes me want to move out of Will County or sit around and lament this gross misappropriation of web design. Come on, Pam!

On the plus side, circuit clerks are getting in-house technology training. "My clerks must keep abreast of any changes occurring in the courtrooms as well as with the updates in the computers, software and technology ..." McGuire said. Read the details here. After reading the story, I want to know if that is the same Clayton Thompson that attended high school with me. If so, sorry about the blog, Clay.

Regardless, this in-house training should also include teaching staff how to make elementary-level flash pages for campaign efforts. Maybe next year, we'll have scrolling marquees and strobe-light effects on that Web page. I guess it kind of depends on the voters in November. I'm sure most will want to see the "Just for Fun" page updated more regularly.

JOLIET -- Loose political ends were apparently meant to be tied up on Aug. 18. Three unrelated elected officials announced the end of their public service careers, while at least one of them was stepping down from a Joliet-area nonprofit board.

Herald News Page Designer Brian Delaney announced in an e-mail early Monday morning that he is resigning from the board of directors of the Midewin Tallgrass Prairie Alliance. The Midewin Alliance is a nonprofit group operating as an advocate for Midewin National Tallgrass Prairie in Wilmington, Ill. Delaney served on the board for three nonconsecutive years.

"It has been a pleasure working with all of you," Delaney said in an e-mail to other board members. "I wish everyone the best of luck with future endeavors at Midewin."

On Monday afternoon, Illinois Senate President Emil Jones announced he will retire early next year, ending a 35-year General Assembly career in which he became one of state government's most powerful and controversial figures.

"This has been a great privilege to work on behalf of the people of Illinois," Jones said. "I want to thank my leadership team and my colleagues in the Senate who worked with me side-by-side to accomplish many things for the people of Illinois."

Meanwhile in Pakistan, President Pervez Musharraf announced on a national television broadcast Monday that he will resign to avoid an impeachment battle with Pakistan's ruling coalition that would harm the nation.

"I am going with the satisfaction that whatever I have done was for the people and for the country ... I hope the nation and the people will forgive my mistakes," Musharraf said in an hour-long address.

It is not known if the three officials intended to coordinate their decisions on the same day. However, Delaney suggested they could use their public service background to open an agency to help their local communities (see advertisement below).

It must be an election year. The Olympics are on TV.

It's a great time to be alive. All the problems in the world are temporarily put on the back burner while nations send their greatest athletes to contend for the bronze, gold or silver -- whichever has the most value in their respective countries.

If you're just coming out of a coma, you'll be delighted to know that Chicago is in the running for the 2016 Olympic host city. They have a pretty good chance as long as Mayor Daley remains in control of the city for the next 10 years.

If all goes well in Chicago, there's another city in the United States that comes to mind that could win -- hands down, no contest -- in a bid for the 2024 Olympics.

That's right. A serious candidate under the moniker of The City of Champions. And I'm hereby officially entering Joliet into the race as the 2024 host city. To drum up publicity, I spent all morning working on images to submit with my proposal letter to the mayor:

To Joliet's benefit, they already have superior Olympic venues in place. Memorial Stadium, Silver Cross Field, and the Des Plaines River will make Beijing's arenas look like turn-of-the-century Chinese junkyards. It's time to bring it back home and settle this the Steelmen way. How's that, you ask? Why it's over an arm wrestling match at the official bar of the 2024 Olympics: The City of Champions Bar and Grill!

As an added bonus, the USA team would have a locally-grown ringer in every event: Me!

I've been a big let down all of my life, so here's my chance to make everyone proud and redeem myself before it's too late. I'm gonna be somebody. I'm gonna be a contender!

I will begin training today and in 12 years, I'll have more gold medals than three clones of Michael Phelps. I will play like a champion in the City of Champions. I will send the losing athletes back to the Soviet Union without medals, assuming the Soviet Union will be restored by 2024.

This is an exciting time for our area. -- OK. I've just been informed that 2024 is 16 years away, not 12. So I'll have four more years of intensive training under my belt. In conclusion, I only have one other thing to say: USA! USA! USA!