SCENE: WHITE SOX HEADQUARTERS AT U.S. CELLULAR FIELD
Ozzie Guillen: Well, Kenny, you @#*$(*^ $(@_$, that was a *#$&%^ good run to the $^@^$^ postseason. But I $*#&@^# tell you, man, our $^ pitching for next year doesn't scare the $^@%$ $#&@ out of Tinkerbell. You $^#%@$& got to get me some $^@^! pitching. I'm not $^@%# starting any Jeff #*$*$^@ Marquez in my #*# @$ rotation! Those $^@%% Twins will $^@%@# kick our $^@%$ $^%@!.
Kenny Williams: Don't worry, Ozzie. I'm on it.
Williams casts a voodoo spell. A portal to the past opens and Bartolo Colon walks through.
Guillen: Holy $*#&@^# $^! That's the $&%^$#@ ghost of Bartolo Colon!
Williams: Yes, it is. He'll be the answer to our pitching questions.
Guillen: I don't $*#&@^# know, man. We got Buehrle, Floyd, Danks and then horse$^. I need more.
Williams: Stand back.
Williams opens the portal again
Freddy Garcia: I'M BACK!
Guillen: It's my $*#&@^@ main man, Freddy Garcia! Kenny, you must know some #*@^$ Santeria $^#& I don't, but I $^@%! like it! These ghosts will really scare the $^ out of the $^@%# Twins!
Williams: Oh, I'm not done, Ozzie. I'm never done.
Guillen: You brought back the fat $^@%$ ghost of David Wells? I didn't want that fat $^@%# piece of $^! This $&%^$# is even fatter than Fatolo over there!
Ghost of David Wells: I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!
Williams: I thought you'd want another left-hander...
Portal to the past opens again. Ghosts of Jim Kaat and Tommy John walk through.
Williams: Whoa! I didn't mean to do this!
Guillen: What the $&%^, man! Tommy John even brought his $^@#$ dogs!
Williams: Guys, guys. I was trying to bring back pitchers from White Sox teams of the past to help the team win in 2009! How are you guys going to help us?
Kaat: Well, after being stiffed by the Hall of Fame voters, we decided we had to come back to get our 300th wins.
Williams: Uhh, can't the Veterans' Committee help you out?
John: No way. The days of them letting all of their old cronies in are over. We need the Ws.
Guillen: Hey, Kenny, I think I can use these $^$%% guys. After all, you did stick me with Mike $^%%#$@ Jackson one year.
Williams: Ok, ok, but that's it.
Portal opens again
Ghost of Frank Thomas: Kenny, Ozzie! Long time, no see!
Williams: Frank! What are you doing back!?!? With the way we ran you out of town, I didn't think you'd ever show your face around here again!
Thomas: Water under the bridge, Kenny. I'm here to play for another championship. With Bartolo, Freddy and the rest of this crew, you guys look like contenders. And you'll need someone to DH when the ghost of Jim Thome gets hurt.
Guillen: Thome isn't a $^@$% ghost!
Thomas (laughing): Not yet! Say, Kenny...
Williams (mutters to self): What have I done?
Thomas: ...You guys just trade for Mike Cameron to play center field and find a backup catcher, and I think this team is unbeatable. In fact, I know just the guy for that catcher spot.
Thomas opens portal, ghost of Carlton Fisk walks through
Fisk: I'm here to lead by example. First order of business, is I'm going to get this fatso Wells into shape. You're next, Colon!
Guillen: This is going to be a great $*#&@^$ team!
Williams: Oh, dear.
... to be continued.