Tough love

Naperville is normal in that yes there are families that have teens that abuse drugs. There are good programs for dealing with it once parents recognize the problem. I think that yes probably a lot of teens are using drugs and alcohol in Naperville and yes it's risky behavior but the majority are keeping it hidden from their parents and most are lucky in that they use but don't abuse but they need to really watch out.

If only the parents would have recognized from the crib that the problem usually stems from the child not feeling good about themselves of feeling truly loved w/ a strong sense of trust and bonding with their parents. That's a parent's job to give them that sense of self worth, pride and love.

Any Use is abuse. Don't kid yourself. Calling it 'normal' is a problem in and of itself. There's a different between something being widespread/overlooked/apathetically dismissed and 'normal'. It is 'normal' for parents to blame the kids and pretend they had no role in the choice of the behavior though. Perhaps that is the biggest shame of all.

Joe, you're wrong. Drug and alcohol use are acceptable in our society, and not all use is abuse. Obama inhaled, Bush did blow. They're doing OK for themselves, they made successes out of themselves. Blame W for Jenna's drinking problems? I don't think so. Of course parents influence their children. What's crazy is to think that because a16-year-old occassionally smokes pot or drinks that the kids' parents failed him, didn't love him enough, didn't pay enough attention. Even "Good" parents that know what their kids are doing and who their friends are can be easily deceived by "Normal" youthful experimentation.

Comfy,

We obviously have different opinions for what is "OK".
Parents set the bar for their kids. What they do after they are adults is greatly influenced by where it was set as children.

If you find drug use acceptable, that's your bar you're setting. I set mine differently.

Joe, you are so completely blinded by your righteousness that you missed my point. That's okay. I agree with you that youths should not use drugs or alcohol. Where I disagree with you is when you said it's the parents fault when kids do drink or use drugs. A good many parents like yourself obviously do all the right things and set good examples and would not tolerate that stuff from their kids if they knew about it, and yet their kids are doing it anyway. That doesn't make them stupid or bad parents. It's just reality. That's what good kids are doing.

CN,

I don't disagree with you that there are some parents out there who are unaware of what their kids are doing. Kids do those things for a variety of reasons, many circle back to reasons such as the drugs or alcohol having a 'mystical voodoo offlimits because I said so' property that was placed upon them; they could feel that they want to bunk Mom and Dad's "Do as I say not as I do" way of approaching it. My wife and I took a very realistic approach throughout their lives and showed them what it does to people physically, emotionally, financially, etc. We've taught them that they are better than that, that they owe their bodies and minds to not do that stuff to it.

Everything always comes back to: It's can't ever be a problem if you never do it. And that's exactly their sentiment on it. They don't even like going to neighborhood Holiday parties where it's present. It makes them uncomfortable because they start worrying about how someone is going to get home safely. I point out that most walked and that stumbling home isn't that hard for an adult to do and their response back is something like "Well yeah, they won't cause an accident, but what if their kid has to go to the hospital? How can they get them there?" They look at it that way, that it impairs you. Good. They've even disassociated with people who they've found out did things even when they were not around them. Again, Good.

It's called educating them over and over and over from a very early age about the dark side of it and what real problems it creates for people.

Like I said, what they do as a legal adult is up to them. I happened to take my job in getting them to that point perhaps a little bit too seriously. I'll have to live with that guilt I suppose.

This worked for us. What someone else does to work for their family is up to them. But, don't cry me a river about how there's nothing a parent can do to stop it; because there always is something that could be done. It takes time, effort, consistency and honesty with them. Otherwise, they won't trust what you tell or show them.

Joe, you sound like a good parent who loves his children and is very involved with his children's lives. You're blessed and lucky that your kids are wise and moral people. I know people just like you--I dare say I am just like you--who are just as involved and who do everything they can but they're not as lucky because sometimes kids of good parents from good homes make bad choices.

When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse, out of the corner of my eye. I turned to look but it was gone, I cannot put my finger on it now, the child is grown, the dream is gone.

How old are your children, Joe? Have you tried to control a willful older teenager/young adult? Did you, yourself grow up knowing children from good families that struggled more than some others? Perhaps in your own family? Judgement is tough and can be a lonely place to be. We are charged with teaching the way for our children, and hope and pray for the best. Children will experiment, some more than others. Most of the time childhood things are put away and adulthood prevails. I agree, children are individuals, and children from the same environments, same families can create very different histories for themselves. Hope and pray they learn and make well of all of it.

Naperville definitely has a problem with substance and alcohol abuse by teens. Parents who take a so-what attitude toward it are as bad as the parents who let kids drink in their homes.

Ann, my oldest is near graduating HS and all are on their respective high honor rolls.

Their character has more than been set the past couple of years. Can they change? Of course. But right now, that's not the path they're on, and those paths are very actively and cooperatively guided with them in the driver's seat for the direction with active parental support and guidance for the backup. One doesn't try to 'control' the teenager.. one merely guides with honesty and empathy. Butting heads gets you nowhere and seeds rebellion tenancies. When they are made to feel they are in the driver's seat for their lives as early (and responsibility permitting) as possible, the strife and struggle of wills that many know and fight against just doesn't exist. I know it sounds like an impossibility, but the most important thing has always been to be there for them and not act like I'm the king and they're the servants. When they have a high self esteem (and I'm not talking cockiness) and are secure in the fact that they have unconditional love they feel good about themselves, their family and their life.

Helping them stay busy pursuing their goals and volunteering with them throughout the community goes a long way to keeping them out of situations and places where they would otherwise have the opportunities to get into those bad things. They are not in the group that goes schlepping up and down the streets hanging out in the school playgrounds until 10/11PM with bottles of vodka and condoms while they give the cover story that they're just going over to SoAndSo's house to watch a movie/do homework etc.

After a the initial period of avoidance on the parent's part (while pointing out and showing the bad effects and results that come with use/abuse of substances), it sinks in that they *want* to avoid it too because they are enjoying the other aspects of their lives and relationships with others (reinforced with positive adult praise by other adults that are not Mom and Dad).

It's a full time job. Even if I put in 23 hours a day towards them, I still know I have another hour to give. It's never ending and requires constant vigilance to make sure they stay on proper paths towards their life's short/medium and long term goals. There's my life story, for those that care.

It sounds like Joe has done an excellent job of raising his children, but so, it seems, did the Finks (the subjects of the Sun article), and their son made the wrong choice to drink underage and use drugs. It would be great if what Joe said was true, that a child's sense of self worth came solely from his or her parents. I work with preschoolers, and every one is greeted by Mom or Dad at pick-up time with hugs and kisses and "I missed you"s. Sure, you can say the same thing to your high schooler when he comes home from school, but you'd have no idea what they face while away from you. Is your love alone enough to guarantee they make the best choice of friends? What if they've been friends with someone since childhood and that child starts down a wrong path? What media influences them outside your home? What if they are not able to do something in high school that they love (like a sport) because our schools are so huge? Not every kid who loves athletics is automatically going to join drama or Key Club. And you can tell your child who has to work hard academically that their 3.1 GPA is just fine, but they know that being in the bottom half of a Naperville high school is not really acceptable.

Plenty of kids face these situations everyday and still come out okay. But it can't be too surprising that many do not.

Again, I applaud Joe and hope his kids will have a positive influence on others. And to "Comfortably Numb": righteousness - trying to do right - is not a bad thing; it's self-righteousness (thinking we're the only one who is right) that we have to watch out for

You have done well, Joe and are blessed with your great kids, and they are blessed to have your full attention and all you have done for them. I know it both ways, however. My kids have also done well, three in private universities as we speak and one to go. With all humility I give Thanks and Praise for their success and safety to date. I have also seen close friends struggle with children that have also been loved and nurtured responsibly. I would never point fingers at them, and tell them that they did a poor job with the child that has been a challenge, while their other children attain great success. These children have been treated the same, within the same families and have made some rough decisions that the whole family must struggle with. The challenged children deserve a chance to grow up a little more, and make good of lessons they are struggling with. They certainly weren't excluded from any of their parents attention, love or discipline growing up. People are different, we all react differently to the same stimuli. We all travel different paths.

Uh, Joe? I hear your kids calling. Spending too much time online while they wait for you to tell them what to do next?

Does Naperville have a drug and alcohol problem? Yes. Is it due to the parents? Sometimes. Are even the most diligent, loving parents immune? No.

I was an honor roll student, athlete, member of several clubs, and popular. I was a "model" student and kid. And I had problems with alcohol when I was a teen. Was it my mom's fault? No. It was mine. Did my mom even know? No....I hid it well.

I applaud the Finks for recognizing their son's problems and taking charge. It took me years to figure it out on my own.

Let's all be friends, sit in a circle and watch reruns of That 70s Show, or maybe Family Guy. Let's have a little fun, it could be fun, yes, yes, I believe it is fun, let's be friends, friends are good, good friends.

Anon,

They're all in bed, but thanks for caring. I'm sure people will see your concern for what it is.

I think the main reason there is possibly a drug or drinking problem with today's youth is due to peer pressure and the "gangster rap" influence that permiates our society in music, movies and television. It's sad when you can't even turn on an FM radio station without fearing there is an inappropriate song playing for your kids to hear.