I'm reading the fine print on this story about Sammy Sosa using "a performance-enhancing drug" in 2003. It also says there's this list floating around with 104 positive tests from that year, and A-Rod was another one of the culprits. Who are the other 102? Can't go into detail, but I really need to know for legal reasons.
Sincerely,
M.L.B.
Dear Mr. Baseball:
First and foremost, Tuesday's "revelation" about our disgraced former local hero raised more questions than it answered. For example:
-- Was the performance-enhancer a steroid (up to and including HGH), a drug of abuse (such as cocaine or ecstasy), or a stimulant (including amphetamines and certain appetite suppressants)? The list of baseball's banned substances opens the possibility that Sosa ate the wrong brownies at a party.
-- Was it a mere coincidence that this news flash came out just in time to distract the Cubs from focusing on the task of playing the White Sox?
-- Does this ease the sting of losing to the hated Florida Marlins in the 2003 National League Championship Series, since that victory would now officially be tainted?
But now, to your question: Who else is on the dreaded list of shame? A simple glance at the crystal ball reveals the obvious answer ...
Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Tonya Harding, Jeff Gillooly, Newt Gingrich Sought For Questioning In Sotomayor Incident"
Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Your Kid Wants Palm Pre; Emotional Detachment From Family Hinted At If Demands Aren't Met"
Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Producers Behind 'Land Of The Lost' Wonder Why Film Version Of Horrible TV Show Ended Up Being Horrible"
Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Naked, Incoherent Ozzie Guillen Calmly Discusses Team's Inability To Manage Pressure Situations Successfully"
Back in the winter when I first asked you about this Zion baseball team they're talking about, you predicted it would be called "the Dancing Wolves." Wrong again. Now that the nicknames have been boiled down to five finalists, which one do you predict will be the winner?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh
Dear Nuke:
The truth of the matter is, the folks at Lake County Baseball were going to name their team the Dancing Wolves, but The Swami demanded a finder's fee. Lawyers got involved, etc. And so we are left with these pitiful candidates:
-- Comets: This was the nickname of not only a defunct team (Kansas City) in a failed league (remember Major Indoor Soccer?) but also of a defunct team (Houston) in a struggling league (the WNBA). And also the name of a defunct compact model from Mercury, the afterthought division of the Ford Motor Company. So, no.
-- Fielders: What, they're naming a team after Cecil and Prince? No.
-- Luckies: Not just cigarettes, but old cigarettes. No.
-- Skippers: Finally, something with an actual local connection. Lake County, home of the finest marinas north of Chicago and literally dozens of, well, lakes. The smart money is right here.
But don't bet on it. Kevin Costner might not like the natural association with "Waterworld."
Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Disgruntled Cub Fan Makes Plans To Boo Zambrano's First Walk Allowed Upon Return From DL"
In a dramatic gesture just moments after being sworn in Monday as mayor of Waukegan, Bob Sabonjian will ask the City Council to approve monthly reports from the Building Department for March 2009, and also from the Collector's Office for the month of April 2009 ...
... with the City Council audience still buzzing with excitement over the montly reports, Sabonjian will then call for approval of block-party requests and, later in the meeting, he will boldly entertain a motion for adjournment ...
... Cinco de Mayo will be over-celebrated in the nation's bars not only by people who don't know the significance of Cinco de Mayo, but also by people who do not know the English translation of "Cinco," "Mayo" or, for that matter, "de" ...
... having grossed $87 million at the box office in its opening weekend, "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" will quietly pack its bags for DVD release with Friday's debut of "Star Trek" ...
... and fans of the Chicago Bulls will look back at this month's epic seven-game, first-round playoff series against the Boston Celtics and wish it had meant something, even if the Bulls had won.
This week's news today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
Earth Day will be celebrated by motorists and homeowners worldwide with the traditional Burning of the Fossil Fuels ...
... during his last full City Council meeting as mayor, Richard Hyde will call for a vote on approving the preliminary plat of subdivision for property bound by Frolic, Cheyenne, Northern and Polo avenues, with conditions as outlined by staff ...
... Internet singing sensation Susan Boyle will announce that she not only has solved her "never been kissed" dilemma, but she has married Simon Cowell following an untamed night of binge drinking and karaoke singing in Scotland ...
... after blaming paparazzi for startling her horse in the riding accident that hospitalized her over the weekend, Madonna will make it a point to approach photographers while at the wheel of a SUV with poor brakes...
... and both the Chicago Bulls and the Chicago Blackhawks will continue to string us along like the giddy fools we are. The heartbreak we seek will bide its time.
This week's news today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
The new First Dog, Bo, will become embroiled in the first scandal of the Obama presidency when he is photographed by paparazzi leaving a D.C. area nightclub with an underaged Cavalier King Charles Spaniel reportedly owned by House Minority Leader John Boehner ...
... mayor-elect Bob Sabonjian Jr. will deny Internet-fueled rumors that he will re-charter Waukegan as the 32nd state in the Mexican union ...
... with the third Juan Rivera murder trial starting in Lake County Circuit Court this week, schedules will be cleared for the fourth Juan Rivera murder trial ...
... a 2010 Oscar campaign will start to coalesce around your reigning No. 1 film at the U.S. box office, "Hannah Montana: The Movie" ...
... and, during the first homestand of the season, Chicago Cub fans will formalize plans to boo a player to be designated on Tuesday out of town.
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