Does it hearten you, as it does the Swami, that criminals often seem to be mouth breathers so stupid they don’t deserve the oxygen they consume every day? The Swami is not absolutely sure, but we believe we have found our most recent dumbest local criminals. We reveal them …
So the question our crystal ball must answer is whether Round Lake Beach’s street punks are dumber than Arlington Heights’ street punks?
And whether two Lake County punks can beat up four Cook County punks?
It’s a virtual toss-up.
Christopher Gardner and Michael Williams are accused of tuning up (an old “Hills Street Blues” term for nose re-arrangement) four male juvenile youngsters (names withheld because they’ve got enough problems as it is).
The four had come from Arlington Heights to buy pot.
Gardner and Williams supposedly nixed the deal and tried to grab the loot. Is this one of those jump the shark moments? It’s not even clear they had marijuana; maybe they were just the sort who “looked” like they’d had pot to sell.
The four juveniles reported the event to police, we’d guess on the theory that kids from Arlington Heights believe a deal is a deal, and they wanted the fairness guaranteed by at least one Amendment to the Constitution. It’s the Fifth of Sixth, we think, but we’re not sure. We bet they all have good lawyers.
In our Circuit Court of the Absurd, we would convict the Round Lake mooks on assault and also convict the four from Arlington Heights for lamebrainedness in the third degree.
Don't they have pot for sale in Arlington Heights?
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