Swami, can you explain what happened at Woodland School in Gurnee this week? Someone came into the school and stole credit cards from teachers. How can that happen, Oh Wise One? – Signed Curious.
Oh, Curious Grasshopper, here is the story behind the story.
They don’t actually have guards at intermediate schools because grade schoolers haven’t taken to bringing Uzis to class yet. High schools have armed guards because the students there often bring Glocks and long knives and sometimes hand grenades.
So she slipped through a side door and thereby thwarted most school security systems which require armed intruders to come in through the front door, so they can be frisked and told to go away.
Two things about the police report stand out.
First, the intruder at Woodland was a 5-foot-10, 230 pound black woman.
Second, she was wearing a white polyester outfit.
Apparently, the school population was so stunned by a large black woman wearing white …AFTER LABOR DAY, for crying out loud … that it sent them into some mild form of catatonia from which they could not recover in time to prevent her pillaging their purses.
She must have known when recess occurred because teachers never take their purses outside for recess. That’s because they’d have to out them on the ground while they break up fights.
Though there is no arrest yet, sources say she has already used the credit cards to buy items in Gurnee and Vernon Hills.
We can only hope she didn’t buy more white outfits. It’s fall, honey!!
And polyester? Oh, please, it's just too low to endure.
It’s clear the intruder was a woman and not a large black man in drag. Large men in drag never make that kind of fashion faux pas.
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