Dear Swami,
Tell me if you believe in immortality. Are we all living lives that we’ve already lived before, and just trying to get better at the task of existence as we experience eternity in a series of short bursts? I think so. Signed: Don’t Call Me Shirley in Fox Lake
Dear Foxy Shirley,
The best evidence of immortality is the entire cast of the 1985 Chicago Bears. They appear to be eternal creatures , the Dorian Grays of sports, that have overriden the limitation of time and space to create waves in the local body politic. Apparently, they will never go away. They will be here forever. They are their own perpetual industry.
As an example, most of them haven’t won a football game for 20 years and they’re literally the only thing Chicagoans and Chicagolanders remember about the franchise. Who were the 22 starters for the Chicago Bears Super Bowl team of LAST year? Hah! You can’t remember.
But Swami bets that most Bears fans remember the 85ers and if they were a playing yesterday. Think of it. Some of these guys are pushing 50, and still living on the fulfilled but fading-more-every-day dreams of one old football game.
Sometimes, though, it all gets to be a bit much, even for someone as forbearing and massively hip with the universe as is Swami.
As an example, here’s news about that topic that came to us through the cosmic telegraph system this week.
It appears that the ’85 Bears (It’s never the 1985 Bears; it’s always the ’85 Bears) are inviting you to a Christmas Party.
Oh, happy day.
But wait; there’s a catch.
The party lasts from 5:30 p.m. to 8 p.m. Sort of dwarf party, if you ask Swami.
But wait. There’s another catch.
You have to buy a ticket to the event.
But wait. There’s a catch.
The ticket costs $250. There are only 100 tickets for the public.
But wait …
It’s a lousy political fundraiser. As Ralphie notes after employing the decoder ring to unlock the secret message from Little Orphan Annie: “Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a ….!”
The proceeds from this crummy commercial will benefit “Friends for Judge Clay-Clark” who, it says here in the cosmic telegraph notice, is Judge LaGuina Clay-Clark now running for 1st Sub-circuit Judge in Cook County. Clay-Clark is the fiancée of Bears' teammate Bruce Herron.
But wait; there’s another …
They’re only going to give away one piece of signed Bears memorabilia (doesn’t every citizen of Chicago now have at least four pieces of signed ’85 Bears memorabilia? It’s not like most of them have had real jobs since that game. They’ve all spent the last 22 years signing things.). Oh, well. Jim McMahon, Richard Dent, Dan Hampton, Otis Wilson, Gary Fencik, Steve McMichael, Emery Moorehead, along with Jim Osborne, Brian Baschnagel, and Herron are getting together on December 20 at …
Wait, there’s a catch.
Swami has decided not to give you any more information, because it’s only feeding a nasty habit which you all should kick.
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