Dear Swami, I’ve hear the state of Illinois is going to make bass fishing a regular high school sport, like basketball. Is this true? Will it come to pass? Is it too late for me to return to high school? Signed: Deerfield Dropout Who Wishes He’d Stayed in School.
Dear Deerfield,
Yes, it’s true the IIllinois High School Association is pondering such a thing, and, in fact, Swami think it’s such a good idea that there are at least another half dozen or so sports that ought to be officially sanctioned. For example:
1: Varsity Sitting on the Riverbank and Looking for Strange Designs in The Clouds. Oops wait a second. That’s actually fishing.
2: Bocce. It’s cultural; it’s historical; it’s darn competitive. There’s a lot of drinking involved which should be a hit with high school competitors And old Italians always end a disputed bocce contest with a short but fierce gun battle.
3: Synchronized Crossword puzzles. There’s not much physical action, but it’s a stimulating exercise of the mind.
4: Synchronized Dwarf Tossing: To be sensitive, we’ll have to call it Small People Flinging, but you get the idea. It’s been a real crowd pleaser in redneck taverns for decades. Let’s bring in into the mainstream where it belongs.
5: Mascot Fighting. As an example, your high school has the Bulldogs; mine has the Tigers. Let’s put one of each into a large cage and which ever one wins gets the battle to eat the other one. It will sure put en end to Lake Forest Academy naming its teams after a mythical frog.
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