Dear Swami, I live in Green Oaks and we have flying squirrels in our attic. My husband is always seeing them fly in and out of our attic. They are scary. What should I do, oh Wise Protector Against Flying Squirrels? Signed: Very Squirrelly in Green Oaks
Dear Squirrelly,
First of all, whatever your husband saw coming into your attic, they most definitely are not flying squirrels.
They are obnoxious rodents of no use to anyone but themselves. They’re just rats with bushy tails and long membranes connecting their feet to their arms. They taste like chicken.
But everyone knows there are no flying squirrels in Lake County.
Maybe you have bats.
Second of all, get back on your meds. A healthy mind is a sedated mind.
But, if you are a very lucky person, you might have Flying Monkeys.
Yes, screeching, bellowing, swooping Flying Monkeys just liked Wicked Witch had in Oz.
There aren’t many of them left, and they all got a bad rap in that Munchkin Movie, but Swami always thought that Dorothy probably had it coming, and the Flying Monkeys were under contract to Margaret Hamilton. So they just had a job to do.
As a matter of fact, the only really interesting person in the movie died in 1991.
That was Pat Walshe, who was Nikko, the King of the Winged Flying Monkeys.
Nikko had fans. Thousands of them. Swami was a fan.
Swami is a sergeant in the Legion of Flying Monkeys. We honor them and their cause. Nikko and friends were soldiers in service to evil. Really good monkeys.
Swami is going to Green Oaks now. We have some Flying Monkeys to see.
Flying squirrels are scary? How silly... they are adorable.
I live in Kenosha County... WE have flying squirrels. Unless they do not cross the border into IL because they can't afford the TOLL, Lake County has them too.
PS.. my husband and I watch them at the bird feeder at night.
Swami,
You ignorant dolt. Obviously you are either very uneducated concerning your comment that flying squirrels do not live in Lake County or you are smoking something very illegal. My wife and I live in Beach Park and have one that frequents our bird feeder. These are nocturnal creatures and are very difficult to spot. We have a video tape as proof and have even observed it gliding from a maple tree to our feeder area. You are correct that they are rodents but it is you that should be sedated, not the observant writer from Green Oaks. Get your facts straight.