Let's do the hokey-pokey

Dear Flummoxed,

Every news story should come with a sturdy set of parentheses that can hold what we really think when we hear news reports that are just plain stupid on their face. Example? Here’s how to read the most recent Sun-Times story about the return of the errant wife to Chicago. Swami supplies parentheses. No need to thank Swami now.

Headline1: 'I completely trusted her' (What’s the Hindu word for schmuck?)

Headline 2: RUNAWAY WIFE | But husband admits there were problems (What was your first clue, Sherlock?)

Dignesh Solanki never dreamed his wife might have run away with another man when she vanished from the banks of the Des Plaines River. (Sure, I can believe she was murdered by Son of Sam or maybe a roving Gold Wings motorcycle club, but getting a little extra on the side? Hah, that seems way too far fetched.)

Instead, he worried his 24-year-old bride could have fallen into the chilly water while ritually disposing of a broken Hindu idol used in their May 6 wedding. (Say, what sort of freaky Hindu ceremony is this, anyway? Didn’t her husband notice the statue she tossed in the river looked ….a lot…like…ohmygawd, HIM?!!)

Or she could have been abducted, he feared. (The space alien abduction theory always has its merits.)

Their car was found running near a dam on the river last Monday near Wheeling. She had told a friend four men were following her car earlier that day. (This girl definitely has this ability to spin interesting stories.)

But now that she has returned safely to the Chicago area after traveling to California with another man, Solanki remembers the "romantic" text messages he noticed on her cell phone just two days after they were married. (Yes, those mystery messages that included phrases like….ditch that boneheaded nummy husband and let’s go make horizontal hokey-pokey in California, my little gummy bear of luuuvvv.)

"I gave her a chance because she promised me she would be 100 percent faithful," Solanki said of his wife, Anu Solanki. "I completely trusted her. I would never have run away with another girl. I would have tried to work it out." (Yes, and that was your first mistake, Nimrod. And we notice you didn’t say anything about you running away with another man. Hold up the Gaydar meter and point it at your own head.. If it beeps, well…)

Karan C. Jani -- the man who text-messaged his wife -- is the same 23-year-old man who rented a car, drove across the country to pick her up near the Des Plaines River and took her back to California, authorities say. (Well, this dude seems pretty committed).

Solanki expressed anger at Jani, the University of Southern California grad who "messed my life up. I'm not the one who's going to punish that guy. God will punish the guy. That's what I believe." (Sorry, Solanki, this is not how the world works. And I wouldn’t bring whichever of the deities you support into this issue, anyway. You just need to bone up, so to speak, on your romantic skills. If your wife boogies out of town for the coast, you’ve got your own issues to take care of.)

"This was all planned," Solanki added. (Ya think?)

A day before she vanished, his wife told him she wanted to have a baby, he said. (Yes, beanhead, but not WITH YOU.)

He now thinks it was a ruse to convince him nothing was wrong between them, he said. (Swami can’t believe that she was capable of a ruse. She seems so … er … so REAL).

Anu Solanki returned home only after Jani spotted online news coverage of the massive, $250,000-plus river search for her body and encouraged her to call her family, officials say. (Yes, sugar buns, I guess somebody in Chitown is interested in you after all. I thought you said he was going to have an “accident.”)

An embarrassed Anu Solanki told authorities she did not mean to concoct a hoax or leave the impression she had fallen into the water. She told officials she just wanted to make a "clean break" from her marriage. (Did the thought of a divorce lawyer ever strike a bell?..or maybe just the old American traditional way…a hit man. Besides, in Anu’s world, cross-country booty calls, like bleep, just happens.)

Today, Cook County sheriff's and state's attorney's officials will discuss whether to bring criminal charges against Anu Solanki -- or make her repay authorities for their dangerous search for her body. She and Jani could not be reached for comment. (For crying out loud. Cook County authorities couldn’t find her before and now she’s missing AGAIN? Swami only hopes they didn’t take a check.)

Dignesh Solanki said he hasn't spoken to his wife since she flew back to Chicago on Friday night "I want to ask her why she did it," he said. (Because you’re a wanky mook?)

After returning, she and her family members went to the courthouse in Skokie, where she spilled her story to authorities. Then she checked into a hotel instead of going home to her husband. (Where she probably met ANOTHER man we haven’t even heard of yet. Where’s Yani? Anybody seen Yani? Are you starting to get the suspicion this is all a setup for a Springer appearance career?)

Jani has returned to Southern California but did not want to talk to reporters, one of his roommates said Sunday. (He’s like the Stone Cold Steve Austin of Intercontinental Dating))

Dignesh Solanki said he spoke to members of Anu's family, who "did say what happened was wrong." (And when we see her next, we will set her fire for her transgressions. It’s the Indian family way of settlings these things.)

Dignesh Solanki, 27, is a slender, bespectacled grocery clerk from Gujarat, a state in northwest India. About three years ago, his future wife walked into his family's clothing store in Gujarat. His mother liked her and showed her a photo of her son. "My mom said, 'I have a son, and he is looking to marry,'" Solanki said. (Oh great. Mom picked her out. Say, ma mere , you know I always wanted a curvy blonde, but you got me another dang INDIAN CHICK!)

Anu Solanki came to the United States to meet him, and Dignesh Solanki, who was living in Chicago, went to court her in Virginia, where she was staying with family members . Her family initially did not approve of the match. (Because they thought he was yutz. Rightly, as it turned out.)

But he eventually won over Anu's mother, and he and Anu wed in New Jersey in May. (Maybe he should have married Anu’s mother. She apparently liked him better).

Their eight months of married life were not entirely blissful, he said. (Well that insight pretty much sums it up, Mister Potatohead.)

There was typical domestic tension over finances and housekeeping. (Take that Kama and stick it in your Sutra.)

Still, Dignesh Solanki said he was in love. They traveled to Las Vegas, the Wisconsin Dells and the Indiana Dunes together this year. (Three places well known for the deep symbolic strengths of their karmic significance. Swami has a religious experience at the Dells one year. It had to do with Tommy Bartlett.)

"I took her so many places, and we had a real good time," he said. (Do you get the impression this guy just lives in his own smiley-faced world?)

Solanki said he does not know what will happen to their marriage, but "I have to go on with my own life." (We’d guess you three can make a mint on Dr. Phil)

"If she had to run away, she could have told me she needed a break from me," he added. (Like, forever?)

"The cops have spent all this time and money. I don't know why she did this." (We hate to harp on the obvious, Murgatroyd, but she thought you were a total LOSER.)

The end (the end)