Every morning and afternoon I drive on Sunset Avenue between Delany Road and Green Bay Road. Construction has been going on for two years and it seems the road is only getting worse. Can you please look into your crystal ball and let us know when those workers are going to finish the job?
Waiting in Waukegan,
Dear Waiting,
The Swami shares in your angst, having made the trip through the Neverending Road Project far too many times. The most fascinating thing about it is how they change the route and the roadside obstacles every other week, as if trying to win a public art contest.
In fact, you might have noticed that they put down some beautiful new sod on the north side of Sunset in recent weeks, even while the roadway itself is still in therapy. Kind of like putting a bonnet on a hippo.
Anyway, on to your question: Let us peer into the ball of crystal and see when this reconstruction and widening of Sunset between Delany and Green Bay (the road, not the city in Wisconsin) will be complete ...
Hmmm ... it's not perfectly clear, but let's put it this way -- helping to cut the ribbon is a Democratic presidential candidate named Chelsea Clinton ...
omg th PITA old ppl on th waukgn skl brd wnt 2 tkaway my right 2 uz a cell n txt my BFFs drrng skl. Wht shld i do?
B4N,
wr eed in wkgn
Dear Worried:
Fortunately, The Swami speaks text, so your plea for help was not in vain. You are, of course, referring to the brewing controversy about banning the use "portable electronic devices" at Waukegan Public Schools, a move that would deprive Generation Text of its means to exist in the world.
The Swami forsees that, 10 years from now, we will all look back at 2008 and chuckle at how cute we all were with our "hand-held" communications devices and all the clumsy rules we wrestled with to keep the kids in line. No, we will not be communicating via telekinesis -- it will be via facial expressions that have yet to be envisioned by science.
But you ask what can be done to deal with the crisis at hand in May 2008. Let's review the options. You can't vote the school board members out of office, because you're probably not yet 18. You can't hire a big-shot attorney from the Bill Gates crowd, because you probably don't make much more than minimum wage at this point. And you can't write a stern letter of protest, because, as seen above, you've lost all ability to use vowels, capital letters and coherent thought.
In other words, The Swami advises you to get ready for a painful period of adjustment, because you might hold the future in your hands, but the old people still hold all the power.
Last month you called on the Waukegan City Council to get rid of public comment time, and instead they came up with some list of "commandments" to keep people in line. Since they didn't listen to you the first time, what's your alternate plan?
Ferme La Bouche
Monsieur:
The most disappointing thing about Waukegan's new "comment commandments" is that, even though they were clearly going for a Moses/Mount Sinai thing, they only came up with SEVEN commandments. If the mayor and alder-people were really looking to make a statement, they should have poured some strong coffee, pulled an all-nighter and cranked out three more commandments. Or just called them "the seven deadly sins" or something.
Let The Swami show you how easy this could have been. Here, off the top of Swami's turban, are three commandments they should have thrown on the tablets:
VIII: Thou shalt not put the senior alderman to sleep during your allotted three minutes.
IX: Thou shalt not forget to state your name and address before speaking. If you forget or otherwise fail to do so, you will be summarily wrestled to the ground, pepper-sprayed, handcuffed and thrown into a concrete cell that hasn't been mopped in weeks.
X: Thou shalt not express moral outrage over anything less than homicides, criminal abuse of authority, and/or bona fide civil rights violations. Everything else is a pet peeve and you should already know that no one else cares.
There you have it. If you're going to go ahead and do something like allow public comment, you might as well do it right.
Are you related to the substitute teacher in Florida fired from his job and accused of wizardry -- because he made a toothpick disappear? And how do you plan to console him at the next family reunion?
Harold Potter
Dear Harry:
I don't know how it's done in the 21st century, much less in Florida, but when The Swami went to wizard school, we had to make more than a puny toothpick disappear. And, no, we didn't play Quidditch -- we played euchre and pinochle.
But back to the crisis at hand. While his toothpick trick is somewhat impressive, the Swami is betting on this substitute teacher being a mere mortal and not a blood relative. But if the gatekeepers at the Pasco County School District want to be sure there are no pagan rituals being performed in front of the students, they can always drop him in a well to see if he will float.
Just to review that process for those who didn't study their history: if he floats, then he's a wizard, and it's time to arrange a good old-fashioned stoning; if he doesn't float, he's not a wizard ... but the problem solves itself.
P.S. Pay no attention to the expanded information that this teacher is actually in trouble for failing to follow lesson plans and for allowing a student to oversee the class. Never let the follow-up facts get in the way of a good story of hysteria.
What's all this about Judge David Hall having his DUI case moved to Kane County? How is driving an hour away going to keep a fellow judge from going easy on him? I mean, justice is supposed to be blind, but let's face it, everyone takes care of their own in this world.
Call Me Skeptical
OK, "Skeptical":
Does the Swami detect cynicism and lack of faith in our system? Of course -- it's not like you were tip-toeing around the china shop or anything.
Apparently, you noticed that anyone and everyone wearing a black robe in Lake County yelled "NOT IT" when it came time to decide who would call David Hall before the bar. So they shipped the mess out to Kane County, perhaps thinking that judges in Geneva will not have read any newspaper articles, or participated in back-bench gossip, or otherwise discovered that this "David Hall" is a.k.a. "Judge David Hall."
But The Swami foresees that justice will be as impartial as possible in this case -- because if the Star Chamber really wanted to have someone issue a quiet dismissal or a slap on the wrist, they would have shipped the circus waaaaaay down south of Effingham and issued both a gag order and really bad directions to the courthouse.
By the way, Skeptical, the Kane County Courthouse is located at 100 South Third Street, Geneva, Ill., 60134. Visit www.mapquest.com for all your watchdog needs.
I'm outraged that the Grayslake mayor and police chief canceled the motorcycle show at the fairgrounds last weekend. Was this a legitimate threat, or was it just "biker" profiling by the cops?
Ticked on the Tri-State
Tick:
The short answer: A little from category a, and a little from category b. When the Grayslake village people called off the planned Ironhorse Roundup Bike Show, the natives were restless because it was done late on a Friday and, some say, the news was sent out by carrier pigeon.
When the full explanation came out, the situation was still testy, but at least there was a worst-case scenario to envision: If the Grayslake bigwigs were told about a gang threat on Friday and went ahead with an event on Sunday and violence broke out that left someone dead on Monday, there would be absolute hell to pay, not to mention many lawyers.
On the other hand, gang threats are not exactly rare things in this part of the world, and you can bet that basketball games and football games have gone off as planned, not just here but everywhere, after John Law received "information about circumstances which threaten the health and public safety of those attending the event." They just pump up the numbers of constables, keep an extra eye open, send people through a few more checkpoints, and the terrorists don't win.
So maybe the powers-that-be erred on the side of over-caution. Whatever the case, the Swami foresees that there will not be peace in the valley until Grayslake successfully hosts a motorcycle show and everyone forgets an angry weekend in May 2008.
Wait a minute ... maybe Vince Neil can act as a peacemaker ...
