How bout that Sox fan getting whipped on by a couple of Cub fans -- isn't that story usually the other way around? Should Cub fans be on the lookout for some kind of retaliation?
Mordecai Brown
Dear Three-Finger:
What story could you be referring to? You mean the vicious beating of a Gurnee man at the hands of not one or two but three men? At a toddler's birthday party? Fascinating how this became a Cubs-Sox thing.
But headlines don't lie, do they?
"Cubs Fans Accused of Beating White Sox Fan"
"Cubs-Sox Dispute Turns Ugly, Man Loses Eye"
"White Sox Fan Takes One for the Team; Loses Eye in Rivalry Brawl"
"Rivalry Brawl"? If we were honest about this -- in other words, if the facts got in the way of a good story -- the headlines would read much differently:
"Beer-Muscle Arguments Escalate All Day, End In Felony Charges"
"Trailer-Trash Behavior Glamorized by Media"
"Binge-Drinking Produces the Expected Results"
"Battery Story Moves From Page 18 to Page 1 Thanks to Minor Detail"
As to your question about whether or not this will produce a retaliatory response somewhere south of Madison Street, the crystal ball tells us that ... hmmm ... headline writers are going to be busy before this long, hot summer is over.
Tomorrow's news, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: Lake County employees ride to work on rented mules; snow plows drawn by oxen.
It sounds straight out of "Mad Max," but even without an Armaggeddon-style war over "The Precious Juice," the reality in 2008 is that everyone's budget is being pinched by higher fuel prices, and adjustments will be made.
Consider: In roughly one month, school will be back in session, and the buses will start to roll. Have you seen the price of diesel fuel lately? It makes the price of your regular unleaded look like it's 1998. This is going to cost you, the taxpayer/parent, one way or another.
So desperate times call for desperate measures, and suggestions for the survival of the species are always appreciated. Here are a few that could save our taxes from going up in a puff of exhaust:
1) SUVs could be banned for use by public employees in anything outside of a blizzard situation;
2) Police department bicycle patrols could be doubled or tripled (or just plain initiated by departments that don't have them) during the spring, summer and fall;
3) In that same vein, employees like building inspectors and health inspectors probably know how to ride a bike, too;
4) Two words: Conference calls;
and ...
5) U.S. Postal Service trucks could run on the same electric motors that power your father's golf cart in Sun City, Arizona.
And what about those school buses? The Swami wouldn't touch that one with the proverbial 10-foot pole, because one thing you can't mess with is kids. But, eventually, they might have to get out and push.
This week's news headlines today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
... when the harsh light of dawn hits the Lake County Fairgrounds on Monday morning, officials will try to determine if departing visitors trashed the place like rock stars following Sunday's closing night, or if the place looked like that all along ...
... as gas prices plummet from the $4-per-gallon range into the $3.95-per-gallon range, a relieved America will forget all those radical plans about conservation and renewable fuels and go back to driving solo 100 miles each day in a Cadillac Escalade ...
... John McCain will visit a Carl's Jr. in Sparks, Nevada, and his handlers will complain that he did not receive the same blanket news coverage as Barack Obama's visit to a Jack in the Box in Murfreesboro, Tennessee ...
... and fans of the Chicago Cubs and Milwaukee Brewers will experience violent swings between dizzy euphoria and utter hopelessness during this week's epic four-game series at Miller Park, which is taking place only two months before things like this will really matter.
I'm planning to head out to the Chain Saturday to check out the Sand Bar Party, because I read where "Girls Gone Wild" is filming out there. Anyways, now my girlfriend is all mad at me. I tried to tell her it's all in fun, but she whipped a plastic cup at me. What should I tell her?
Ducking in Deerfield
Dear Duck:
You seem to have confused The Swami for Miss Lonelyhearts, but your topic is too good to kick aside. When it comes to "Girls Gone Wild," the world seems to be of two minds:
1) There is nothing wrong with a display of the adult female form if it is done willingly,
or 2) People who participate in this stuff are dumbing us down to the Stone Age.
The truth of the matter, as we all must admit, is that this is a classic case of both sides being 100 percent right. As an experiment, run that one past your girlfriend, and see if any more cups get whipped at you.
I know all you losers down there in Illinois are enjoying this whole Brett Favre thing. Since you claim to be able to see into the future, how is this one going to play out? Please don't tell me he's going to end up playing for the Vikings or your stupid Bears.
Perplexed in Pleasant Prairie
Dear P.P. Prairie:
Not to burst your cheddar bubble, but we're not enjoying this as much as we're simply taking a trip down memory lane. Hmmm ... aging athlete ... best years behind him ... teasing his fan base time after time -- after time -- about retiring ... burning bridges with the people who pay his salary ... yep, we've watched this soap opera, starring a guy named Michael Jordan.
When His Airness retired to a life of playing golf and fighting his mistress in court after the 1998 championship season, Bulls fans swallowed a hard lump of reality and moved on. When he returned three years later to play for the Washington Wizards, we figured it was a midlife crisis, only in this case involving a professional athlete who already owns the red convertible.
So, no, Bears fans aren't enjoying this Brett Favre melodrama, since all it's doing is taking up valuable space in the sports pages. And we all know how it's going to end up -- with the tarnished legend finally accepting the news everyone else got three years ago.
P.S. We also hope he ends up back with the Packers, so his decline can take place for our benefit.
Tomorrow's news, via the crystal ball of The Swami: Traffic deaths rise as gas prices climb ever higher ... and more and more people walk in the middle of the Tri-State Tollway to get to work.
Tomorrow's news, via the crystal ball of The Swami: Mother and sister of "Batman" star to appear on "Larry King Live," "Maury," "The Steve Wilkos Show," "America's Next Top Model" and "Ice Road Truckers," in that order.
Tomorrow's news, via the crystal ball of The Swami: Wall Street says it just likes to have a little drink now and then to blow off steam, and it's a grown adult, and it doesn't need you judging it, and it can stop any time it wants to, so get off its back already, dammit.
I want to take my kids to the Lake County Fair this week, but I'm not sure what would be the best day to go. Last year, I took them to see the motocross, and we spent the whole time watching guys getting carted away in an ambulance. Can you suggest something less depressing?
Pat's Blue-Ribbon
Dear PBR:
Less depressing? Hmmm, the livestock release on Sunday is always a drag, because the 4H kids who raised the animals from the cradle have to say goodbye and send them off to a Rotary Club steer roast ...
You also might want to steer clear of the Mutton Bustin', in which human children try to ride atop a sprinting sheep. Your kids will want to do it, and A) it costs more money and B) all it ends up being is arms and legs flying around for three seconds, followed by lots of "walk-it-off" pain ...
And the commercial buildings are fun to a point, because there's lots of free candy being handed out by the duct-cleaning companies, but there's also lots of politicians handing out stickers -- and, this being an election year, some old crank is bound to start a brawl over Obama being "a Mooos-lim" ...
Tell you what -- head on over Wednesday at 4 p.m. for the judging of rabbits. That should be safe enough, and you have not seen judging until you have seen rabbits judged.
This week's news headlines today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
... the release of designs for an outdoor sports complex on the site of the defunct Orchard Hills Golf Course will spark a new round of raging against the machine by disenfranchised golfers in Waukegan -- not that this will slow the freight train of progress rushing toward the construction of an outdoor sports complex on the site of Orchard Hills ...
... following his comments that violence in Chicago is "out of control" -- and Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley's subsequent and unconvincing public insistence that "I'm not mad at him" about it -- Gov. Rod Blagojevich will wake up with the head of Khartoum in his bed ...
... and, as the buzz over the record-setting box office for "The Dark Knight" starts to settle down, July 25 will bring with it the release of the Will Ferrell comedy "Step Brothers," signaling the official end of all the good movies that the summer of 2008 has to offer. From here on out, it's like all the junk that fell out of the bag on the way to the curb.
Tomorrow's news, via the crystal ball of The Swami: Waukegan will be awarded the vacant casino license by the Illinois Gaming Board ... hmmm, let us see ... sometime between Halloween and Thanksgiving.
This forecast is based on, well, the visions seen in the crystal ball. But also on a logical process of eliminating the competition.
Rosemont won't get the license for the same reason it's up for grabs four years after Rosemont was (almost) awarded the license -- everyone from unpopular Gov. Rod Blagojevich to your next U.S. Senator from Illinois, Lisa Madigan, doesn't want Rosemont to get it. If they did, slot jockeys would be bleeding nickels on River Road as of this moment.
Country Club Hills, Summit and everyone else south of the Ike/Ron Reagan won't get a casino for five reasons -- Aurora, East Chicago, Gary, Hammond and Joliet, which between them have seven casinos to serve the Chicago Southland, as they call it down there.
Communities outside the Chicago metropolitan area? Don't even come to the table. The last time the license went up for auction, three companies put up a total of $1.5 billion worth of bids to put a casino north of I-80 and east of the Tri-State. The state is banking on more of the same action.
This brings us to Des Plaines, the sleeper candidate that, technically, finished ahead of Waukegan in the Great Casino License Fiasco of 2004. What will put Waukegan ahead this time around? Two things: First and foremost, Illinois has been leaking gamers into Milwaukee, and the Prairie State power brokers want this to stop.
And two, because this 11-year melodrama -- complete with court battles and multi-million-dollar auctions and allegations of mob ties -- has to have a more exciting ending than Des Plaines.
What's all this about oil prices dropping and a bunch of predictions that they will keep falling? When oil prices go up, our gas prices go up the very same day. How long are they going to gouge us before gas prices drop back under $4?
Gutted in Grayslake
Dear G.G.:
What goes up doesn't necessarily have to come down, especially when we're talking about "light, sweet crude," as they call it for some twisted reason. But it has come down, in apparently record fashion, between Tuesday and Thursday.
Meanwhile, as you so sharply point out, our gas prices here in Lake County have not gone down in record fashion between Tuesday and Thursday. Before Thursday, the last time a barrel of oil was under $130 was June 5. That week in Lake County, you could still buy a gallon of gas for under $4.
So the ball is in Big Oil's court. With the foaming-at-the-mouth speculation suddenly cooling down, when will they get us back into the $3 range? Let us peer into the crystal ball and see ... hmmm ... not good ...
Your answer: A hurricane will hit the Gulf Coast in the next three weeks, causing a light bulb to burn out at an offshore platform, giving Big Oil all the reason they need to nail us back to the wall. Not that $3.99 gas is anything to celebrate.
I was one of those guys who ran down the bluff three years ago to get pirate video of the Batmobile driving down the Amstutz when they were filming "Batman Begins." Now they got "The Dark Knight" coming out Friday, and I seem to remember there was some filming for that around here last summer. Can we expect to see Waukegan on the big screen again?
Movie Mike in Mundelein
Dear 3M:
The Swami was not invited to any of the preview screenings of the new Christian Bale/Heath Ledger film, but this is of no importance ... for The Swami sees all, even without a ticket.
Unfortunately, your answer would be, no, Little Fort does not appear on the Big Screen this time around. That "filming" you refer to was actually some stunt rehearsal on Waukegan Municipal Beach last August (which the filmmakers pointlessly refused to refer to as being associated with "The Dark Knight," but the truth came out).
By not returning to the Amstutz for more Batmobile action, a continuity error has been set up, since sharp-eyed viewers of "Batman Begins" noticed that the entrance to the Batcave was somewhere beyond Greenwood Avenue, where Batman left his pursuers in the dust and disappeared into the woods west of the Midwest Generation plant. Where is the Batcave this time around? Outsourced to Pleasant Prairie?
For the record, the Internet Movie Database lists 28 different filming sites for "Dark Knight," including "Chicago" in general and such specific locales as Navy Pier, the Daley Center and the Twin Anchors Restaurant & Tavern on Sedgwick Street.
What is that stinky smell at the corner of Washington Street and Route 21 in Gurnee? I got stopped at a light there the other day and I had to roll up my windows because it smelled like someone had lost their lunch on my tires.
Pepe Le Pew
Dear Pep:
When it comes to that particular stretch of Washington Street, we need to be very specific about what smell we're referencing. To do this, we'll have to be graphic.
To wit:
A) Is the stench something like what you get when your kid forgets to flush the toilet, and you then go on vacation and come back a week later and open the bathroom door?
Or ...
B) Is it something like either the regurgitation you mentioned, or cotton candy that's sat in the sun for a month?
If the answer is A), then you have picked up a whiff from the North Shore Sanitary District plant at Washington and O'Plaine Road, a facility that has undergone more odor control endeavors than Bigfoot's laundry bin, but still reminds us from time to time that it is, after all, a sewage processing plant.
If your nose says B), then you are enjoying the bouquet that is produced by the discarded food at Six Flags Great America, which has immense bins filled with gunk, hidden from sight behind the trees that line the northwest side of Washington and Route 21.
In both cases, all that stuff has to go somewhere. If you play, you pay, or sentiments to that effect.
But rest assured that both of them could be worse. And, with the dog days of summer heating up as of this writing, they most likely will be.
This week's news headlines today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
... a random verbal altercation between suspected gang members outside some business somewhere on Chicago's South Side will leave analysts wringing their hands about how the incident will jeopardize the city's bid to host the 2016 Summer Olympics ...
... Barack Obama will decline a lucrative endorsement offer from Chock Full O' Nuts ...
... "The Dark Knight" and its Oscar buzz for the late Heath Ledger will rule the box office over the weekend of July 18-20, easily overtaking "Hellboy II: The Golden Army," but barely holding off a challenge for the top spot from the eagerly awaited "Space Chimps" and its Oscar buzz for Omid Abtahi...
... and baseball's All-Star Game will be won by the American League by forfeit after the entire National League team gets mugged of its lunch money while heading to Yankee Stadium on the D Train.
On behalf of the Lake County Rah-Rah/Yay-Yay Booster Society, we would like to gloat about the recent announcement that the county's tourism revenue topped $1 billion in 2007! We feel this is great and super! Please respond with an observation about how awesome this news is!
Sincerely,
The LCRRYYBS
Dear Boost:
It certainly isn't bad news. To paraphrase Bobbi Fleckman (Fran Drescher) in the classic motion picture "This Is Spinal Tap," money talks and baloney sausage walks.
But let's keep this in perspective: the only reason anything new tops anything old these days is because stuff costs more. Hotel rooms, restaurant meals, Gurnee Mills toys and clothes, tickets at the Genesee Theatre and the Marriott Lincolnshire Theatre, admission (and parking, and food) at Six Flags Great America ... all of these things cost more in 2007 than they did in 2006. And just wait until we see the tourism spending in 2008, when the trickle-down/avalanche from the higher energy prices will really kick in.
To stick with the movie theme, consider this: officially, the No. 1 film at the box-office all time is "Titanic," which has grossed $1.8 billion since it was released 11 years ago. But, adjusted for inflation, the No. 1 film is still "Gone With the Wind," which came out in 1939, when people paid, oh, a shiny dime for admission to the Oriental and the State-Lake. More people have paid to see Rhett and Scarlett, but people paid more to see Leo and Kate.
In other words, enjoy the moment, Lake County, but save the real excitement for when we catch and pass DuPage, which doesn't even have a theme park.
This week's news headlines today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
... with the Illinois Legislature being dragged kicking and screaming back to Springfield (at $129 per diem plus mileage), the only news that will emerge will be the literal hair-pulling catfight between Gov. Rod Blagojevich and House Speaker Michael Madigan, scheduled to break out in a Statehouse hallway sometime Thursday evening. The smart money is on the wiry but cold-blooded Madigan, who would kidney-punch a nun if it meant preserving the title of Most Powerful Man in the State ...
... Brett Favre will skip the early-bird senior special at the Shoney's in Hattiesburg, Miss., paying full price for his Backyard Bar-B-Que buffet -- and fueling new rumors that he will come out of retirement to lose twice more to the Chicago Bears in 2008 ...
... as Starbucks plans to close 600 "underperforming" stores, Lake County fans of the gourmet java franchise will seek alternatives that include mixing Nescafe straight into a Dairy Queen Oreo Blizzard ...
... and Lincolnshire will gladly return to its status as a "far northern suburb" that can't be found by the Chicago media without a murder and a map.
The Fourth is just a couple days away and I saw what you wrote about some guy who sells good fireworks out of his van. I can't get any good stuff at the stores here in Illinois so I hope you can tell me where to go.
Anonymous
Dear Future Emergency Room Visitor:
If you really need to find the dude in the van that badly, try heading east on Washington Street and go about two miles due east of Sheridan Road. He'll look for you.
In all seriousness, your question shines a spotlight on another harsh reality of the economy in 2008: gas prices are so out of control that citizens who want to blow stuff up real good will have to make some hard choices about driving to Wisconsin or Indiana for their quasi-legal purchases.
That drive to the barns across the state lines has become a luxury. At $4.25 per gallon and a 1995 Ford Explorer that gets 17 miles to the gallon, tops, you're looking at spending $34 in fuel alone if you go from Lake County to the Phantom Fireworks in Highland, Ind.
And if you really want to load up the truck with things that aren't sold (legally) in the Land if Lincoln or America's Dairyland or the Hoosier State, your trip to Arkansas (where consumers aged 12 and older can purchase things like Roman candles, skyrockets, shells and helicopter rockets) will run you about $350 in gas.
(Missouri is also pretty wide open about these things, only you have to wait until you're 14.)
Whatever you decide to do, Mr. or Miss Anon, remember this important safety tip: when lighting fireworks, keep a bucket of water handy. This way, you can stick your mangled hand in there, and it will make the trip to the hospital a little less excruciating.
