This week's news headlines today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
... Madonna's belated 50th birthday celebration will include shopping for a new comforter set at Kohl's, indulging in a Turtle Mocha at Caribou Coffee, eating a quiet dinner with family members at Olive Garden and then falling asleep to a "Law & Order" rerun ...
... poor box-office will follow the negative reviews for "Star Wars: The Clone Wars," a double dose of bad news that will thrill the cottage industry of dorks who live to trash George Lucas ...
... after each candidate declared opposition to gay marriage during Saturday's summit with the Rev. Rick Warren, John McCain and Barack Obama endure an awkward moment when they run into Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi at the mall ...
... with Washington Street down to one lane between Route 41 and Route 21 in Gurnee and the nearby Grand Avenue bridge also undergoing a root canal, Route 120 will pretend not to be at home whenever you call it for the next two years ...
... and bitchy sports columnists from coast to coast will launch a backlash of criticism against Michael Phelps after he fails to medal as a last-minute entry in rhythmic gymnastics.
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