I've been watching CNBC and "Mad Money" and "Cavuto on Business" and all that stuff, and they go on and on about how this financial crisis will affect "Main Street." But they have yet to really tell me how this will affect, well, me, specifically. This is exactly where a crystal ball is needed, so get to it.
Widespread Panic
Dear W.P.:
Ask and you shall receive. The Swami trusts that, like Don Vito Corleone, you are a person who insists on hearing bad news immediately, so let us, indeed, get to it:
-- Have you heard the joke about how, in situations such as these, a 401K becomes a 201K? Well, gazing specifically at your portfolio -- which you loaded with high-risk stocks back in the summer of 2000 and forgot all about -- it looks like your retirement nest egg will be about a 1K.
-- You know that credit card application you got in the mail the other day? The one that enticed you with checks that you could write against a new account? The one you were going to use to write a check that would cover the outstanding balances on your other credit cards? Well, too late.
-- As for your our daughter, a senior in high school who was hoping for student loans to cover the $22,000 in tuition, fees, room and board at the U of I ... hmmmm ... start dropping none-too-subtle hints about the College of Lake County.
-- Oh, and that new or used car you're going to need in the dead of winter when your 125,000-mile Chevrolet Malibu craps out in the snow? The only loans available will be from a guy who breaks tumbs.
But don't get all down in the mouth. True, both the financial markets and the credit culture are teetering on the brink with all of this, but our employees in Congress are still at their desks, trying to hammer out an agreement.
Or maybe that is the kind of scenario that puts the "panic" in the phrase "financial panic."
This week's news today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
... John McCain will take the bold and attention-grabbing step of suspending his campaign for the good of the nation after progress stalls on House Resolution 3541, a measure to amend the Do-not-call Implementation Act to eliminate the automatic removal of telephone numbers registered on the Federal "do-not-call" registry....
... Barack Obama will send consigliere Tom Hagen to pay a Frank Pentangeli-style visit on Tony Rezko at the Metropolitan Correctional Center ...
... Sarah Palin's fading popularity will rise again as more and more people "just plain feel sorry for the poor gal" ...
... Heather Locklear's arrest for suspicion of driving under the unfluence will be quickly forgiven and forgotten when the next Hollywood celebrity is arrested for confirmation of driving under the influence ...
... and, starting Wednesday night, Chicago Cub fans everywhere will start breathing into a paper bag early and often.
Last week you predicted that Brian Griese would celebrate his return to Chicago "by throwing a few passes to his old teammates." You were dead-on -- he threw three interceptions. You didn't mention that he would also throw two touchdown passes, and I lost my pool because I picked the Bears. But I'm willing to give you another shot if you have some more NFL picks.
Need a Winner
Dear Needy:
Is it wise or unwise to get your picks from a non-sports-betting site that does not advocate gambling? You make the call. The Swami will make these:
Philadelphia Eagles at Chicago Bears: The Eagles lead the league with 13 sacks through three games. Something tells The Swami Kyle Orton will need to turn in a superhuman performance to avoid spending most of the afternoon on the Solider Field sod.
Cleveland Browns at Cincinnati Bengals: By 4 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time, the state of Ohio will be celebrating its first victory of the NFL season. Unless, of course, there's a tie ...
San Diego Charges at Oakland Raiders: Rumors are again swirling that Raiders owner Al Davis will fire head coach Lane Kiffin. The Swami predicts Al's stylist gets the boot first.
Arizona Cardinals at New York Jets: Two of the NFL's young guns go head to head, when former Pop Warner teammates Kurt Warner (age 67 in NFL years) and Brett Favre (age 68 by any measure) take the field. The Swami predicts a broken hip from a fall in the shower.
I was planning on going to Wrigleyville for the playoff games even though I don't have tickets, but now I see they want the bars to cut off alcohol sales in the 7th inning! Please say it won't be so. I'd hate to have to get drunk at home.
So it goes without saying that Cub fans have a loyalty to alcohol as well. And they'll find plenty of ways to skirt around the proposed rules for Wrigleyville bars.
The Swami sees this going one of two ways, and neither of them equal fans being any less drunk or unruly ...
A) Last call will lead to fans stockpiling their drinks for consumption during the last three innings of a game.
B) Fans will simply leave the bar and hang out near Clark and Addison, where alcohol brought from homes will flow like water.
What the city is trying to do is admirable, but controlling the alcohol consumption of tens of thousands of fans will be difficult. And cutting off alcohol sales for an hour during the game won't solve too many problems. Let's assume a playoff game ends at 11 p.m. Once that final out is made, bars are free to serve alcohol again. With many bars in the vicinity open until 2 a.m., fans will still have three more solid hours of drinking.
And drink they will - especially after big Cubs win. The type of fans that are most likely to cause problems for the Chicago Police Department are not the type of fans that are likely to pack it up and leave as soon as the game ends. They'll stick around. They'll drink. They'll likely act like jerks.
Of course, all of this is moot if the Cubs don't have any "clinching games" this October ...
Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: Phil Jackson Joins McCain Campaign, Complains About Early Whistles, Number Of Free Throws By Obama
If you must yawn about football, you should take up knitting. God created fall and winter so we could have two seasons of football, sheesh get with it and make some picks.
Dear Sir:
The Swami didn't realize his football knowledge was so sought after. Of course I can offer up fresh predictions for this week's NFL slate. Just remember, this is not a sports betting site, nor does The Swami encourage gambling (lawyers nodding). So without further ado...
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Chicago Bears: Brian Griese makes his triumphant return to Chicago. He'll celebrate by throwing a few passes to his old teammates.
Miami Dolphins at New England Patriots: In just his second NFL start, Matt Cassel will take a cue from quarterbacking heartthrob Tom Brady and rub a goat for good luck.
Pittsburgh Stealers at Philadelphia Eagles: Eagle wide receiver DeSean Jackson will not score a touchdown this week. But that won't stop him from celebrating like he did.
New York Jets at San Diego Chargers: The Jets will be distracted when Brett Favre announces his retirement halfway through the second quarter. The suspense will last until the Jets break the huddle and Favre lines up under center.
The crystal ball is overheating. More to come next week.
If Vista Health is so great why doesn't the city and county use them? Why do Lake County Jail and Waukegan officers who get hurt no less than 5 minutes from the Vista Health Care System get taken to Lake Forest Hospital (about 15 minutes or more away)? In two recent articles of officers getting hurt (fighting brothers, one hits Waukegan police with hammer), and today's article of a Lake County Jail officer being attacked by inmate ... in both instances the officer was less than 5 minutes from Vista East. In one instance I was told maybe they did not want the officer at the same facility as the injured person's family. But in this last instance, the attacker was in jail. He is from downstate Illinois. If the law enforcement and or city officials, won't go there, the rest of us had better beware!!!!!!!!!
Bamboozled
Dear Bam:
If the question is "why doesn't the city and county use the Vista East emergency room?" it can only be answered with a question: Would you?
Most of the living world was taken aback Tuesday when the John McCain camp accused "Saturday Night Live" alum Tina Fey, who is a woman, of being "sexist" in last weekend's portrayal of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. But anyone and everyone who reads The Swami would have seen Tuesday's news flash on Monday, incontrovertible proof that the crystal ball sees all.
"The portrait was very dismissive of the substance of Sarah Palin, and so in that sense, they were defining Hillary Clinton as very substantive, and Sarah Palin as totally superficial," McCain advisor Carly Fiorina told MSNBC's Andrea Mitchell on Monday. "I think that continues the line of argument that is disrespectful in the extreme, and yes I would say sexist."
No word yet on whether or not McCain advisor Carly Fiorina realizes that Tina Fey is, as mentioned, a woman (or if she realizes that the skit itself was a satiric commentary on sexism in politics). But it is clear that McCain advisor Carly Fiorina and everyone else should read The Swami on Monday if they want to know what's going to happen on Tuesday.
The other day you made some passing comment like "O.J. Simpson Acquitted." I don't think so. I predict that this Nevada jury is going to listen to all the evidence in an objective fashion, weigh all the directions from the judge, and then spend about five minutes in deliberation before coming out and slamming him with a guilty verdict. Get on board.
Sincerely,
I Drink Your Milkshake
Dear I.D.:
The Swami will admit that the rules of engagement have changed on the celebrity crime front since the 1990s, when Charles Barkley could throw a man through a plate glass window, and O.J. Simpson could, well, do what O.J. Simpson did and eventually win acquittal from a star-struck jury of their peers.
Since then, Martha Stewart, Robert Downey Jr. and Winona Ryder are among those who have done time (or at least community service) for being naughty and trying to celebrity their way through it.
You also accurately point out that this trial is not in California, where even freaky has-beens like Phil Spector and Robert Blake can hang around with women who are mysteriously shot in the head and end up free as a bird. Needless to say, Michael Jackson was also tried by a jury of his peers in the Golden State.
This week's news today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
... sump pumps around Lake County and greater Chicago will go on strike following a weekend of unpaid overtime ...
... the Waukegan City Council, just for old time's sake, will authorize the filing of another lawsuit that will fail in the courtroom ...
... advocates for GOP vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin will complain that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are sexist ...
... Barack Obama will find himself in a media firestorm after using the term "that dog won't hunt" ...
... and the citizens of Chicago's sports-talk radio culture will be on suicide watch following Sunday's loss to Carolina, one week after they were making plans to be in Tampa for Super Bowl XLIII, and one week before they'll go right back to checking late-January flights to Florida on expedia.com.
I'm in a real bind here -- tomorrow is Sunday and I have to get my football pool to my co-worker before sundown. Since you claim to be able to see into the future via this "crystal ball," can you tell me who will win on Sunday? I need this bad, man.
Mum's the Word
Dear Mum:
This is not a sports betting site, nor does The Swami encourage gambling. Having said that (primarily for legal purposes), away we go ...
Green Bay at Detroit: This is the dawning of the Aaron Rodgers generation. Sunset is scheduled for Nov. 16, at the latest.
Bears at Carolina: The Panthers killed the 2005 Bears. Revenge is a dish best served cold. And it is not supposed to be very cold this weekend in Charlotte.
New England at New York Jets: Brett Favre will not suffer a season-ending injury. And even if he does, he will decide to come back next week.
Philadelphia at Dallas: A camera will be on T.O. at all times, as ESPN works the soap opera angle until it folds back on itself.
Tennessee at Cincinnati; Oakland at Kansas City; Buffalo at Jacksonville; New Orleans at Washington; Miami at Arizona; San Francisco at Seattle ...
Yawn. The Swami has suddenly lost interest. Have fun losing five bucks.
It happened again Tuesday. The wife and I went for a drive in the morning, and gas was $3.79 a gallon. When we went out again after lunch, it was $4.09. But I heard on the radio that oil is falling back around $100 a barrel! Should I be outraged, or amused?
The Middle Class
Dear EmCee:
Are you saying that you think there is no rhyme or reason to what we're being charged for a gallon of gas? Are you saying that there is something rotten in the state of Big Oil when last week we were being told that Hurricane Gustav was going to be a direct hit, and our Labor Day Weekend gas prices held steady, and now we're being told that Hurricane Ike is going to miss the oil bull's-eye, but those same prices went up 30 cents while America ate a sandwich?
Poor Big Oil. As they would explain to you through their army of Nick Naylor spokesmouths, they're just misunderstood. Victims, really.
But to your question: outraged or amused? Answer: Both. Be outraged enough to demand that our legislators enact laws that prohibit gas stations from altering a price that has been posted at the start of the day's business (or midnight for all the 24-hour joints), and then be amused when your outrageous request is denied.
I read where the mayor of Waukegan had to correct himself after saying Rockford was one of the cities going after a casino. So if Rockford isn't in the race yet, who is going to be on the list when the state gets all the applications in October?
Wondering in Waukegan
Dear Stevie:
Indeed, Mayor Richard Hyde told the City Council (and the small crowd gathered to watch it, and the small cable audience that watches it) that Rockford had filed an application, along with Waukegan, Des Plaines, Summit and "Lake in the Hills."
Lake in the Hills? Have you ever been there? The kind of place filled with casino users, but not the kind of place that would welcome an actual casino. It would clash with the Coldstone Creamery on Randall Road.
But why wait until then when one has a crystal ball? Your applicants for the almighty 10th gaming license will be ... hmmmm ...
Waukegan ... and ... and a bunch of other places that shouldn't even bother showing up -- because the state should be just about ready to stop hemorrhaging those northern Illinois gambling dollars toward the Potawatomi Bingo Casino.
With all these news flashes coming out about John McCain's vice-presidential nominee in early September, can you predict the "October Surprise" and who it will hit? I'm going to place a bet between Obama and McCain, so I want to get the dirt as early as possible.
The Gambler
Dear Kenny:
What news flashes are you referring to regarding Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin? The fired state trooper investigation? The pregnant daughter? The affiliation with an Alaskan secessionist movement? The effort to ban books at the town library? Makes you wonder if the McCain camp had her simply fill out a standard employment application from Wendy's or Taco Bell.
To your question: Between now and election day, the following Gotcha moments will grab headlines, muddy the waters and distract American voters from trivial things like the economy and Iraq:
... Barack Obama will be revealed to have $1.40 worth of outstanding late fines at the Chicago Public Library ...
... a former neighbor of Joe Biden will come forward with photos showing the Delaware senator dumping a bag of grass clippings in a wooded area near their neighborhood ...
... and John McCain, under pressure following leaks to the Internet media, will admit to frequently parking his car across two spaces at strip malls across the nation.
But be reminded that all of this will come to nothing in the 2008 American political culture, where we rationalize the bad behavior of our favored parties -- Bill Clinton's womanizing, George W. Bush's Air National Guard record, etcetera, etcetera -- or ignore it entirely.
At the end of the day, those "moral values" we pound our chest about finish a distant second to "winning elections."
This week's news today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
... Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin will be locked away in Dick Cheney's undisclosed location to bone up on such previously mysterious things as the proper pronunciation of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and the difference between the state of Georgia and the country of Georgia ...
... Barack Obama will work in a gratuitous and reverential comment about Hillary Clinton to workers at a Wendy's in Okomos, Michigan, while ordering a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger ...
... Hurricane Gustav will delay the Republican National Convention just long enough to make John McCain look concerned, presidential and not like George W. Bush in September 2005 ...
... and, with the arrival of September 2008, Cub fans will go into spastic and irrational fits of emotion every time the team loses a game, or falls behind during a game, or gives up a run during a game, or fails to advance a runner during a game, or swings and misses at a pitch during a game, or ...
