News from the final week of the 2008 presidential campaign, available today only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
... Joe Biden will develop a reflex habit of asking "is this a joke?" whenever someone poses a loaded or unloaded question, including when fast-food workers ask him if he would like "anything else" with his value meal ...
... John McCain will emerge from a screening of the movie "W." at the Indian Mound 11 Theatres in Heath, Ohio, and remind passersby that the film was not about him and he doesn't even look like Josh Brolin ...
... Barack Obama will be revealed to have frequently watched television programs that featured known Muslims, including Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Hakeem Olajuwon, Ahmad Rashad and Muhammad Ali ...
... and the mainstream media will continue to torture Sarah Palin with news accounts that deviate from her prepared remarks.
With the Bears and Packers both taking the week off, I need something to hold my interest when it comes to the NFL. This is where gambling comes in. Please advise (despite your repeated and obviously phony insistence that you don't advocate sports betting).
Stateline Stan
Dear S.S.:
Despite another successful week picking NFL games, The Swami was a little upset upon realizing there is an increase in raggedy, washed up and no-name NFL quarterbacks leading teams. So this week we're sniffing them out and letting readers know who's legit and who they should avoid:
-- Washington Redskins at Detroit Lions: The Lions have a young man named Dan Orlovsky starting behind center. The man has more career sacks (10) then touchdowns (2). Even he's confused as to why he's a starting QB. Swami's pick: Redskins.
-- Kansas City Chiefs at New York Jets: Following an injury to the marvelous Brodie Croyle, the Chiefs' quarterback depth chart reads like this: Tyler Thigpen, Damon Huard and Ingle Martin. Something tells The Swami they might be better off with this trio. The Swami's pick: Jets (you know -- despite the fact that they have a liar at quarterback).
-- Seattle Seahawks at San Francisco 49ers: The 49ers start J.T. O'Sullivan, a career backup who played for quite a few professional teams (that would be five separate teams/links, for those keeping track) before landing in San Fran. Anyone with that many miles can't be too good. The Swami's pick: Seahawks.
-- Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Dallas Cowboys: Jeff Garcia and Brad Johnson are once again starting quarterbacks in the NFL. In other news: make sure to update your computer to avoid the dreaded Y2K virus. These guys are both eligible for free rides on the CTA and PACE, but someone has gotta win (even a tie is a moral victory for the desperate). The Swami's pick: Cowboys
Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: Drunken Cub, Sox Fans Unite To Hurl Cans Of Beer At Television As Friggin' Rays Take Field For Game One Of World Series
You've put it off long enough. There's only two weeks until election day, and you have yet to issue a real "crystal ball" prediction on who's going to win the White House. Inquiring minds not only want to know, they need to know so we can start planning for the next four years. Predict or get off the pot!
After proving last week that he can indeed fix the economy with his football picks, The Swami is back to with another quartet of NFL selections that could fetch you a dollar or two. (You know, if this site condoned or encouraged gambling ... which it doesn't):
-- Minnesota Vikings at Chicago Bears: While squeaking by the hapless Lions last week, fans in Minnesota began chanting for the firing of head coach Brad Childress. This week Vikings receiver (and former Bear) Bernard Berrian is expected to be on the brunt end of fan displeasure. That's a lot of boos awfully close to Halloween. Edge: Bears.
-- New Orleans Saints at Carolina Panthers: Reality TV starlet Kim Kardashian is apparently a good luck charm to the Saints and her beau, running back Reggie Bush. The Swami is concerned with any team that needs luck from someone best known for a brief "Dancing with the Stars" career and for being Paris Hilton's BFF. Edge: Panthers.
-- Pittsburgh Steelers at Cincinnati Bengals: The Swami can't decide if he's more excited about the hairdo of Cincinnati's Chad Ocho Cino or Pittsburgh's Troy Polamalu. Picking a winner in this one is a lot easier. No team in NFL history has ever won a game with a player named "Ocho Cino" on the roster. Don't expect Cincy to crack the win column this week. Edge: Steelers.
-- Indianapolis Colts at Green Bay Packers: The State of Wisconsin continues to live and die by the day-to-day updates on quarterback Aaron Rogers' sore shoulder. Meanwhile, the Packer's former quarterback, Brett Favre, is calling Cowboy's signal-caller Tony Romo to offer encouragement on his most recent injury. Without encouragement from God himself, Rogers and the Packers don't stand a chance. Edge: Colts.
Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: Now Wait Just A Freakin' Minute Here -- The Price Of Oil Is Falling And This Is Somehow A Bad Thing? "Investors" Are Worried?!? HAVE YOU SEEN THE CITGO TOTALS ON MY DISCOVER CARD?!?
Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: You Know, The Tubby Balding Guy Who Hit .250 And Struck Out 76 Times In 128 Games For The 2001 Chicago Cubs? Yeah, That Matt Stairs
I saw Hillary Clinton using a new catchphrase during a speech for Barack Obama -- something about "jobs, baby, jobs." It reminded me of "it's the economy, stupid," and got me to thinking about old campaign catchphrases. But my question to you, Mr. Crystal Ball, is what will be the NEXT campaign catchphrase?
23 Skidoo
Dear Skid:
Indeed, Sen. Clinton, in another attempt to look supportive of former blood rival Barack Obama, stumped for the Democratic presidential nominee in Philadelphia Monday and mocked the "drill, baby, drill" chant made semi-famous during the Republican National Convention.
The moment reassured a jittery nation that our political leaders will always come up with a snappy expression during a time of crisis -- or, in their case, a political campaign:
"There you go again," said Republican presidential candidate Ronald Reagan in 1980, torching Jimmy Carter's Medicare critique with a practiced theatrical flourish rather than getting bogged down in the details.
"I didn't inhale it, and never tried it again," said Democratic presidential candidate Bill Clinton in 1992, demonstrating a refreshing honesty that would become his trademark.
And surely we all remember Lloyd Bentsen's spontaneous and obviously rehearsed dismissal of Dan Quayle in 1988: "Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy." That one critical turn of phrase no doubt helped lock up, oh, let's just say Hawaii's 4 electoral votes out of the 111 taken by the powerhouse Dukakis-Bentsen ticket.
But to your question: What will we be hearing from the presidential and vice-presidential candidates in the next three weeks? The crystal ball can reveal the following, though you will have to wait and see the context for each:
"The only thing we have to fear is my opponent itself."
"John McCain is the night-time sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so-you-can-rest medicine."
"Senator, you ignorant slut."
"Come, son of Jor-El -- kneel before Zod!"
"Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend Barack Obama and Joe Biden for their patients who chew gum."
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain."
"From hell's heart, I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee."
"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."
... with the scorched-earth campaigning from the past week failing to make a dent in the polls, the strategy will come to an abrupt end -- on Nov. 5 ...
... after commanding the No. 1 slot at the box office for the second week in a row, "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" is only $571.4 million behind "Titanic" for the top-grossing film in the history of U.S. cinema, and "Chihuahua" will sink the "Titanic" again by the third week in July 2009 ...
... and, on Tuesday at around 4:45 p.m., the wild celebration on the Chicago Bears' sideline will come to a screeching halt when someone glances at a newspaper and sees the final score of the Atlanta game.
If Henry Paulson and Ben Bernanke really are interested in bailing out and/or rescuing the economy, they would be not only encouraged but also instructed to bet the whole $700 billion on this week's NFL picks ... if, of course, this were a sports betting site that advocated gambling:
-- Chicago Bears at Atlanta Falcons: Ten picks before Falcon running back (and North Chicago native) Michael Turner was taken in the fifth round of the 2004 NFL Draft, the Bears wasted a pick on quarterback named Craig Krenzel. One pick earlier they selected someone named Claude Harriott. Those two are both out of football, while Turner, who played college ball just 60 miles from Chicago, is leading the league in rushing. The Bears, appropriately enough for our Wall Street theme, are the bad investor here. Edge goes to the Falcons.
-- Baltimore Ravens at Indianapolis Colts: Before the start of the season, the Colts opened the $720 million Lucas Oil Stadium. In their first two games at their new digs, the team is 0-2. From 2005 through 2007, they lost only three games at the RCA Dome. Something tells The Swami that was a poor way to spend three-quarters of a billion dollars. The Colts are the bad investor here. Edge goes to the Ravens.
-- Dallas Cowboys at Arizona Cardinals: Since he was drafted by the Tennessee Titans in 2005, Cowboys defensive back Adam "Pacman" Jones has had 13 run-ins with the law, and he was suspended by the league for one year for an incident at a Las Vegas strip club. Despite this, the Cowboys decided to trade for him during the off-season. As part of welcoming him to the team, the Cowboys hired four full-time bodyguards to follow Pacman around 24/7. This week, he fought with one of his bodyguards in a hotel bathroom. The Cowboys are definitely a bad investor here. Edge goes to the Cardinals.
-- Cincinnati Bengals at New York Jets: Before the season opened, the Jets spent millions on an aging quarterback who spends far too much time playing football with his friends (while wearing jeans). The Jets are the bad investor here. The edge goes to the ... Jets.
Come on, Cincinnati is 0-5 -- even AIG executives know not to pick them.
I saw on the news Monday that the price of oil dropped under $88 a barrel, and that this was the lowest it's been since February. What were we paying for a gallon of gas back then? Was it anything like it is now? My memory is fading from all the bills I have to pay.
And now to your question: What were Lake County residents paying for gas the last time light, sweet crude was under $88? Well, the crystal ball only sees into the future ... but The Swami just happens to save receipts. For exactly these circumstances.
On Feb. 15, 2008 -- nine days after the date in question and four days before oil would hit $100 a barrel for the first time -- one could purchase gasoline for $2.99 a gallon at the Murphy Oil on Waukegan Road in Fountain Square. At 1:47 p.m., to be precise.
In other words, depending on where you get your gas in October 2008, Big Oil still owes us about 50 cents a gallon. Not that any of us will hold our breath.
This week's news today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
... Sarah Palin, stepping up her criticism of Barack Obama, will slam the Democratic presidential candidate for owning a house in Chicago, "a city with drug dealers and gang members and mainstream media and what-not" ...
... Barack Obama will respond to attack ads from the McCain campaign about Obama's attack ads by running attack ads ...
... with a new docket opening by tradition on the first Monday in October, the U.S. Supreme Court will hear as many cases as possible and issue as many 5-4 decisions as possible before the next president comes in to give it a fresh ideological slant ...
... after earning $29 million at U.S theaters in its opening weekend, the reigning No. 1 film at the box office, "Beverly Hills Chihuahua," will become the early favorite for both Best Picture at the 81st Annual Academy Awards, and will also win the Nobel Prize for Literature, to be awarded on Thursday ...
... and Chicago baseball fans everywhere will attempt to heal their wounds from the end of the 2008 season by cursing loudly and with alarming frequency.
After going 4-0 in published predictions and 9-0 in picks issued privately to associates, The Swami is getting the hang of this NFL Office Pool thing. With that said, let us shift away from football for a week to see what the crystal ball portends for the MLB playoffs:
-- Chicago Cubs vs. Los Angeles Dodgers: The series is shifting to the City of Angels, with the skin-tight Cubs down 0-2. The visitors will need a lot of help to pull this off. The Swami sees the Dodgers celebrating a victory at home, but their fan base will have all left early to beat traffic, meaning the players will celebrate alone. So, if a tree falls in the woods ...
-- Milwaukee Brewers vs. Philadelphia Phillies: The Swami predicts the hot dog will win a close race. Oh, wait, they actually play baseball Milwaukee too?
-- Los Angeles Angles of Anaheim vs. Boston Red Sox: The Angels will be victorious after free-swigging slugger Vladimir Guerrero injuries four Boston players while hacking away at a wild pitch near the Red Sox dugout.
Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: Congress To Bush: "We're Sorry -- George Who? 'President'? President Of What-Now? Yeah, Um, Please Schedule An Appointment With Our Automated Staff Directory"
