Did you see last week where Donovan McNabb didn't know an NFL game could end in a tie? What does this have to say about Syracuse University?
P.S.U.
Dear Penn State:
In defense of Mr. McNabb, the NFL has a lot more rules than most people know. So as a public service, The Swami is here to point out rules that will undoubtedly come into play this during this week's games.
Oh, and because so many fans depend on Yours Truly for NFL advice, The Swami is also looking into his crystal ball to see who will benefit from the obscure rules:
-- Chicago Bears at St. Louis Rams: NFL rule No. 86.2232 states that any two teams that released bad rap videos in the 1980s will be judged on the field by their performance in said videos. For once, it appears the "Super Bowl Shuffle" is paying off for the Bears, because nothing is worse that the Rams' contribution to pop culture -- a feat of horror known as "Ram It" (warning: only watch the link if you don't mind having the phrase "Ram It" stuck in your head for hours that could turn into days). The Swami's pick: Bears.
-- Minnesota Vikings at Jacksonville Jaguars: NFL rule No. 08.25141 states that any time a player and his former coach threaten to fight each other during the week leading up to their teams squaring off, the game will be scrapped and the outcome will be settled by a 50-yard line cage match. That's bad news for Vikings coach Brad Childress, who is at a clear size disadvantage against Troy Williamson. The pick: Jaguars.
-- Green Bay Packers at New Orleans Saints: Rule No. 07.2827 states that the NFL will delay suspensions for banned substances for any player whose team is playing in a Monday night game, so as to keep the game competitive and keep fans glued to what is the league's Cash Cow. The pick: Saints.
-- New York Jets at Tennessee Titans: NFL rule No. 92.28382 states that any quarterback who was born the year Neil Armstrong walked on the moon must ... ah, screw it, just insert your own Brett Favre is old joke here. The pick: Titans.
Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: Teenage Boys, Dads And Cranky Grandfathers Up To Here With All The "Twilight" Crap Already
... millions of 12- to 16-year-old girls will arrive at school Friday morning with bleary eyes after seeing the midnight preview screenings of "Twilight," which is about teen vampires and has nothing to do with Rod Serling or the 1998 Paul Newman movie by the same name ...
... Barack Obama's meeting with former rival John McCain on Monday will spark rumors that McCain will either be named Secretary of Homeland Security or be asked to lead the search to find an Obama family dog ...
... and Bear fans, suffering from 1990s flashbacks following Sunday's debacle against the hated Packers, will reflexively demand the firing of Coach Dave Wannstedt.
Do you really think people don't pay attention to how your "crystal ball" picks the NFL games? You were 1-3 last week! My 2-month-old kid knows not to pick the Lions! Maybe you should give this gig up.
Doubting Thomas
Dear Tom:
Thank you for noting that the crystal ball correctly foresaw the Vikings nipping the Packers by a single, lonely point. That took some daring insight. And now on to this week's forecast that is not advertised for purposes of wagering:
-- Tennessee Titans at Jacksonville Jaguars: Last week, the crystal ball did indeed foresee the undefeated Titans becoming defeated - and also the winless Lions becoming one-win. Upon further review, the Titans will remain perfect and the Lions imperfect until their otherwise pointless matchup on Thanksgiving Day. Fate demands its due. The pick: Titans.
-- Cleveland Browns at Buffalo Bills: This is what they call "Monday Night Football"? Somewhere, Howard Cosell searches for a narrative thread. The pick: Bills.
Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: Widow Of Phoenix Mars Lander Writes Tell-All Book Of Loveless Marriage, Drunken Hollywood Parties
What in the world has happened to Route 41 and Grand Avenue? I tried to drive to work through there Monday morning and it was like that scene in "The Day After Tomorrow" right before the tidal wave hits Manhattan. How long will this be going on? How bad will it be?
-- What In The World? The official word is that the Illinois Department of Transportation is going to rebuild the whole mess, from a new bridge to wider lanes on Grand. But the truth is, someone looked at the map and saw that the Tri-State Tollway is already a nightmare, so Route 41 must become one too.
-- How Long? Official word, through October 2009. In reality, we'll have a rough winter, a late spring, a rainy summer and then an early winter a year from now, meaning a certain percentage of the project will get pushed back to spring 2010.
-- How Bad? In this case, that official word is a ray of sunshine -- what you saw Monday is merely "advance" work, with "full stage" work starting in March. Translated literally from engineering, "advance" means "you'll be a half-hour late to work" and "full stage" means "bring a book to read."
And now to the question you didn't ask: Why? Short answer, because the intersection needs it. Longer answer, because Lake County motorists have been naughty and need to be punished.
This week's news today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
Americans weary from the long 2008 election season will begin the transition to the 2009 election season (only 15 weeks until the February primary) ...
... Veterans Day will be celebrated my legions of teenagers who have no idea why they have a day off from school ...
... one week after your No. 1 movie at the box office was "Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa," truly massive dollars will be racked up by "Quantum of Solace," seen by millions of people who have no idea what the title means or how to pronounce it ...
... in the search to appoint someone to succeed outgoing U.S. Sen. Barack Obama, Gov. Rod Blagojevich will compile four lists: those who are qualified, those to whom he owes a favor, those who owe him a favor, and those he wants to get out of his political hair ...
... and, with the Lake County area locked into a pure stretch of November weather, the next 60-degree day we will enjoy will be sometime after the seating of the 111th Congress.
Well, I blew it. I had one too many at the bar the other night and some guy was mouthing off about Obama, so I bet him a hundred bucks McCain would win. That was one unhappy trip to the ATM. Anyway, please help me make up some ground with your NFL picks this weekend.
Sincerely,
In The Red
Dear Red:
Here's one surefire bet for Week 10: Take the Broncos to beat the Browns in Cleveland. The reason you can't miss is because the game was played Thursday -- welcome to the world of the NFL Network. As for the remaining schedule, the crystal ball foresees the following, if not encourages one to wager on the following:
-- Tennessee Titans at Chicago Bears: It is early November and the Bears are in first place. Enjoy the moment, Bear fans, because this week, it's the undefeated Titans and the next three weeks are on the road -- including stops at inhospitable Green Bay and Minnesota. And Kyle Orton has the kind of injury that lingers. Having stated all that, the pick: Bears.
-- Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings: The Pack always has trouble in The Hump. Why the Vikings (and the Twins) are even thinking about a new stadium is a mystery. The pick: Vikings.
-- Jacksonville Jaguars at Detroit Lions: Just as all undefeated teams eventually come down to Earth, all winless teams eventually find an acorn. The pick: Jaguars. Just kidding: Lions.
-- New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles: Looking at this prime-time matchup of conference rivals, John Madden summed it all up last weekend by saying "to me, that's football." We can always depend on John Madden to clear things up for people who think it's baseball or field hockey. The pick: Eagles.
Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: Obama's Oval Office Hazing Includes Buying Doughnuts For Staff, Dressing Up In Hanna Montana Clothes
Election Day 2008's news delivered to you hours before the polls close, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
Barack Obama, taking the stage around 10 p.m. Central Standard Time before a roaring crowd of untold thousands on an unseasonably warm night in Chicago, will declare victory in the 2008 presidential campaign ...
... Obama's announcement will come whether or not he actually has won the popular vote in enough states to secure 270 electoral votes, but television schedules come before technicalities ...
... not to be outdone, John McCain will step outside Phoenix's Biltmore Hotel around 10:01 p.m. Central Standard Time before a roaring crowd of his own on a seasonably warm Arizona night and re-declare that he is "The Comeback Kid" ...
... McCain's announcement will also come whether or not he has defied every statistical measurement and actually won the presidency, but supporters will be able to point out that the votes at that point will not have come in from the West Coast, Hawaii or, critically, Alaska ...
... speaking of Alaska, regardless of Tuesday's outcome, Sarah Palin will start moving her belongings into Number One Observatory Circle, the official residence of the vice-president at the U.S. Naval Observatory, saying that she is "very, very pleased to be cleared of any electoral defeat, any hint of any kind of rejection by the mass electorate there. Very pleased to be cleared of any of that" ...
... closer to home, Dan Seals will go to bed late Tuesday (or early Wednesday) wondering why, at least for him, Barack Obama's coat has no tails ...
... supporters of Steve Greenberg will head for home rather early Tuesday night, wondering whatever happened to the safe, cozy Republican armchair occupied by Phil Crane all those years ...
... and Lake County residents will wake up Wednesday morning, look out their bedroom window and notice that the landscape has a new and once-unheard of shade of blue.
--and join News-Swami at 7pm tonight to chat LIVE about the presidential election. Also follow me on Twitter where I will be posting updates from all over the county.
Early voters are standing in lines up to six hours long, the latest polls are in from the swing states, and we're just about ready to elect a new leader of the free world.
Screw that noise - it's time for the weekly non-gaming-site gaze into the football end of the crystal ball (with, of course, a campaign theme):
-- Detroit Lions at Chicago Bears: For years, fans all over Detroit expressed their desire for woeful general manager Matt Millen to get the boot (sounds a little like a certain president The Swami knows). Since Millen got the Ol' Heave-Ho, the Lions are 0-4, and 0-7 on the season. Something tells the Swami this mess (like the economy) is gonna take a while to fix. The hanging chad goes to: the Bears.
-- Dallas Cowboys at New York Giants: Eerie similarities here. When the race for the White House began in March, McCain held a slight lead over Obama. When the NFL season started, the Cowboys were assumed to be slightly better than the rest of the league. Both the Republicans and Cowboys have fallen since they started at the top. Even stranger, there are rumors that McCain and Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones may be related. Swami predicts the fall for both will continue. The hanging chad goes to: the Giants.
-- New England Patriots at Indianapolis Colts: In honor of the election, The Swami honors the ultimate politician, Patriot coach Bill Belichick. The man will do anything he can to win on the field. And like politicians of the past, he scores when he can off the field as well. The hanging chad goes to: the Patriots.
-- New York Jets at Buffalo Bills: Unbeknownst to The Swami, Jet quarterback Brett Favre is apparently running for office. Here's a sneak peak at his campaign video, where Favre plays up a politician's strongest virtues. Bottom line is Favre always gets what he wants. The hanging chad goes to: the Jets.
