The Des Plaines and Fox rivers will retreat to their neutral corners, threatening the random basement but otherwise waiting until spring to do their usual dirty work ...
... Rod Blagojevich, tailed by television news crews, will be spotted jogging again ...
... New Year's Eve will come and go without fanfare for most Americans because Dec. 31 will "feel like a Wednesday" ...
... parents who took their kids to see "Marley & Me" without having read the book (which would have told them how the dog ends up) will spend the next week performing acts of household penance ...
... in-denial fans of the Chicago Bears will forget the come-from-behind wins against Detroit, New Orleans and Green Bay that squeaked out a 9-win season, and continue to lament the come-from-ahead losses to Carolina, Tampa and Atlanta (which would have been a highly dramatic come-from-behind to begin with) ...
... and, even upon all this further review, the Bears will still not have made the playoffs.
But the Bigger Picture is that the crystal ball also foretold of the Vikings losing and the Bears winning (thank you very much, Mason Crosby), setting up a final act of drama and anxiety for fans across the Great Lakes region.
What will all of this come to? Let us take a deep breath and take a look:
-- Chicago Bears at Houston Texans: The playoff-hungry Monsters of the Midway will have no problem with the 7-8 Texans ... until they look up at the scoreboard and see what the Vikings are doing to the Giants. The pick: Not that it will matter, but the Bears.
-- New York Giants at Minnesota Vikings: It has been pointed out that the Giants, who have nothing more to gain, gave a spirited effort last year in Week 17, when they also had nothing more to gain, against the undefeated Patriots. It can also be pointed out that the Giants lost to the Patriots. The pick: Vikings.
So there goes the NFC North ....
-- Oakland Raiders at Tampa Bay Buccaneers: And there goes the Wild Card. The pick: Bucs.
P.S.
-- Detroit Lions at Green Bay Packers: The Lions want to avoid going down in history and the Packers have been scheduling tee times since Thanksgiving weekend. The pick: Lions.
Now your Bears are really up against the wall -- if they lose or the Vikings win, it's goodbye, see you in Bourbonnais in July. Let's see you "crystal ball" your way out of this one. P.S. Go, Vikings
Purple People Eater
Dear P.P.
Interesting that you refer to Chicago's NFL franchise as belonging to The Swami. If so, the league should immediately remit the fithy millions of dollars doled out to each partner in its revenue-sharing model, particularly the piece of the $2 billion annual broadcasting package. Swami needs a new pair of golden shoes.
And now to this weekend's scenario that will enable Bear fans and Vikings fans to sweat all the way through Christmas week:
-- Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears (Monday): Ah, Kirk, my old friend, do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish that is best served cold? It is very cold in Soldier Field on a Monday night in December. The Swami's pick: Bears.
-- Atlanta Falcons at Minnesota Vikings: Fate has caught up with half of the infamous Williams Wall, as defensive tackle Pat Williams was felled by injury the same week that The Boys Down In Legal kept him from being suspended for violating the league's drug policy. Look out, Minneapolis-St. Paul, here comes North Chicago's own Michael "The Burner" Turner to torch your team. The pick: Falcons.
-- Carolina Panthers at New York Giants: The Giants are playing the Vikings Dec. 28, so they have to lose to keep things interesting. The crystal ball rarely foresees uninteresting things. The pick: Panthers.
-- San Diego Chargers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Chuckie must also win to keep things interesting in the NFC. The pick: Bucs.
Does all this talk of impeachment and resignation and "temporary removal" have your head in a spin? Do you find yourself wishing this whole Rod Blagojevich drama would zip ahead to either the climax or at least the denouement? Rest easy. The Swami is here to provide all the important dates to mark on your calendar:
Dec. 17: Illinois House committee meets for a second day of hearings designed to make it seem as though due process is being followed in running Blagojevich out of Springfield once and for all.
Dec. 18, 2:15 p.m. CST: The general public and the nationwide news media pause for a brief second to consider that the comments attributed to Blagojevich by U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald might have been taken out of context, and all he is really guilty of is speculation, political horse-trading, trash-talking and, of course, using the f-word.
Dec. 19: Illinois House, Senate committees on impeachment issue wordy reports that basically boil down to "we're going to do this thing eventually."
Dec. 22: The start of Hanukkah. The powers that be go home for the holidays.
Jan. 5: The Illinois Legislature convenes in special session; articles of impeachment presented in House; television stations interrupt regular programming with Live Breaking News: "The Busting of Blago."
Jan. 12, around lunchtime: Illinois Senate, following a trial in which everyone in the chamber gets their camera time, votes to convict. Pat Quinn is your new Illinois governor.
This week's news today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
Gov. Rod Blagojevich, speaking on telephone lines that he either doesn't know or doesn't care are bugged, will conduct a series of pay-for-play discussions with state bigwigs, offering his resignation in exchange for such things as a health-club membership, a free weekend at an indoor waterpark, and/or fifty bucks in cash ...
... meanwhile, attorneys for Blagojevich will immediately start pressing for a change of venue due to the intense media coverage of the governor's alleged misdeeds, suggesting such locations as the Netherlands and Equatorial Guinea ...
... Muntadhar al-Zaidi, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush in an act described as a traditional insult in the Arab world, will be subjected to a lengthy trial and, ultimately, sentenced by an Iraqi court to 30 days of having shoes thrown at him ...
... in the wake of NBC's announcement that Jay Leno will not retire from its airwaves but will instead be placed in a prime-time slot, Jay Leno will announce that he is moving into your spare bedroom and will be borrowing your lawnmower indefinitely ...
So your Bears are still alive. But they're not playing this weekend, so maybe you can pay attention to some other teams out there - like my San Francisco 49ers. I have a side bet with a co-worker that they will finish with a better record than the Bears. Let me know if I need to set aside the payment.
J. Montana
Dear Joe:
You mean the NFL will be staging games this weekend? Those of us here in the Chicago area thought the world came to a screeching halt with Thursday night's blowout that needlessly turned into a nail-biter.
But, as you wish, here is an abbreviated preview of an abbreviated schedule:
-- Green Bay Packers at Jacksonville Jaguars: In light of last week's performance by the Jags in frigid Soldier Field, the struggling Pack must be cursing the schedule-maker at this point. The Swami's pick: Jaguars.
-- Minnesota Vikings at Arizona Cardinals: The Vikings will be hurting without the steady hand of Gus Frerotte at the helm. If that sounds like a statement from 1994, consider that the Cardinals are a division-winner for the first time since Ford was in office, and it's happening under the steady hand of Kurt Warner. The pick: Cardinals.
-- San Francisco 49ers at Miami Dolphins: The Niners have won three of their last four under interim coach Mike Singletary. Make it three of five, which still equals a contract for Samurai Mike. The pick: Dolphins.
Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: Just For Hell Of It, Former Illinois Governors Shadrach Bond, Ninian Edwards Indicted Posthumously
Did I see something over the weekend about Rosemont still having a mob problem? What does this mean to Waukegan with the whole casino thing? We're coming down the wire, here, Swami -- what does your alleged "crystal ball" have to say?
Johnny Fontaine
Dear sir:
Yes, you did see something about Rosemont's mayor and a whopping $400 check from a construction firm that, allegedly of course, is something like Genco Olive Oil.
What does this mean for Waukegan's casino bid? Wrong question. The real question: What does this mean for Rosemont's casino bid?
Answer: Rosemont's casino bid is dead.
Why? Because there is not always fire where there is smoke, but, as far as the state's power brokers are concerned, this smoke has been around Rosemont too long. And, with the Illinois Gaming Board literally days away from naming a winner, this outbreak was timed more devastatingly than any October Surprise.
This week's news today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
On the heels of Barack Obama's warning that the recession "is a big problem, and it's going to get worse," the recession will continue to be a big problem and will get worse, thank you very much, Mr. President-Elect ...
... as the price of gasoline nears a five-year low, its unexpected but glorious plummet will officially hit bottom at 11:59 a.m. on Wednesday, dipping to $143.9 at a Citgo and/or Thorntons somewhere in Waukegan ...
... after Wednesday, gas will rise and fall and rise and fall throughout the winter, but rise steadily again in the spring and settle back around $2.50 to $2.99 a gallon, making December 2008 the Good Old Days ...
... the Ron Howard film "Frost/Nixon" will open to rave reviews, though it will only be seen by enough people to make it eligible for the Academy Awards that it is so obviously seeking ...
... and, playing on a Thursday night as demanded by the New World Order of subscriber-funded sports programming, the Chicago Bears will defeat the New Orleans Saints by virtual forfeit after the dome-friendly Saints take the field but in all reality refuse to do so in 7-degree temperatures.
Plaxico Burress literally shoots himself in the foot, the "Williams Wall" gets suspended and un-suspended, O.J. Simpson gets put away for 15 years -- I almost find myself distracted from the actual games on the field. Almost. Are the Bears going to win this weekend or can I stop paying attention until 2009?
Law N. Order
Dear Law:
Are the Bears still in it, you ask? What self-respecting Bears doesn't have unwavering belief in the Monsters of the Midway? The Bears are just one game (and a pesky tie-breaker) away from leading the NFC North. And The Swami is here to break down how it'll happen.
-- Jacksonville Jaguars at Chicago Bears: The Jaguars have had more than their share of run-ins with the law in recent months. As evidenced here, here, here and here. And here. In fact, the league ordered them to take a new team picture. The Bears, meanwhile, have had no problems. That we know of. The Swami's pick: Bears.
-- Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions: The Lions have won zero games this year. They're quarterbacked by a player more suited for buffets than football, and their fan base has given up on them. But Bears fans need a Vikings loss to even up the division. And that overfed quarterback is up against his old team. So, yes, The Swami will keep picking the Lions until the law of averages catches up with them. The pick: Lions.
-- Houston Texans at Green Bay Packers: Though the Packers are a game back, they can still catch the Bears in the NFC North, so it's best that they lose often down the stretch. And everyone knows Texans don't like to be messed with, so they should be able to push around Green Bay fairly easily. And we all know pushing around Green Bay fans isn't easy. Swami's pick: Texans.
-- Atlanta Falcons at New Orleans Saints: Forget the wild card, Bear fans, since Carolina and Atlanta are your current leaders, and they both stole wins from your team. Instead, enjoy it when North Chicago's Michael "The Burner" Turner beats up on the Saints, your short-week opponent for Dec. 11. The pick: Falcons.
Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: Perfume Lawsuit Expanded To Include Loud Eating, Humming, Nail-Chewing, Angry Phone Conversations With Spouse
This week's news today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
Hillary Clinton will accept Barack Obama's offer to serve as Secretary of State, ending months of foregone conclusions ...
... the $31.7 million worth of moviegoers who made "Four Christmases" the No. 1 movie at the holiday weekend box office will continue their recovery from the cinematic equivalent of buyer's remorse ...
... with a public comment session scheduled for Dec. 8 in Waukegan's bid to beat out Rosemont and Des Plaines for the state's 10th casino license, the Illinois Gaming Board will prepare to ignore the perfunctory moral objections from ministers and addiction-recovery groups ...
... and Sunday/Monday's opening-round snowstorm will be a distant memory the next time Lake County and/or the Chicago metro area receives more than 4 inches of snow in one shot. Fans of a mild winter can place their bets now.
