January 2009 Archives

Can't fathom football? Can't stomach football? Still have to host/go to a Super Bowl party? Fear not. The Swami is here with a clip-and-save list of what the legal (and not-so-legal) oddsmakers would call "proposition bets" for you and your fellow partygoers to enjoy, but certainly not necessarily to wager upon:

-- First beer commercial featuring cute animals that will lure even the youngest children to the screen (Swami's pick: Immediately following the presentation of captains)

-- First beer commercial featuring acceptably overweight Kevin James-type dude pulling off some wacky scheme to get his hands on a light beer rather than his impossibly attractive spouse and/or girlfriend (Swami's pick: Immediately following the coin flip)

-- First John Madden comment on the obvious (Swami's pick: As the ball is being teed up; "This, to me, is football right here")

-- First attempt by Bob Costas to wax poetic about the game's deeper meaning (Swami's pick: Last Tuesday)

-- First reference to Kurt Warner's inspiring rise from Hy-Vee stockboy to the most unlikely great quarterback in NFL history (Swami's pick: Following first completion)

-- Who will star in more commercials: Peyton Manning or horses? (Swami's pick: Manning, by a nose)

-- Number of people who will say "who's the old guy?" when Bruce Springsteen takes the stage at halftime (Swami's pick: Everyone born after 1982)

-- Combined number of commercials for Sunday's special postgame episode of "The Office" and the Feb. 6 episode of "Howie Do It" (Swami's over/under: 54)

-- First family member to fall asleep as Pittsburgh Steelers turn the game into a blowout in the third quarter (Swami's pick: Your dad)

Today's headline: "Ill. Gov: I'm Skipping Trial Because It's 'Unfair'"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Ill. Senate: We Will Not Be Skipping Trial Because It's 'A Done Deal'"

Today's headline: "Daley Calls Blagojevich 'Cuckoo'"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Daley To Elaborate On Blagojevich Diagnosis With 30-Page Peer-Reviewed Psychological Evaluation"

Today's headline: "Pope Gets His Own YouTube Channel"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Benedict Reaches 'Most Viewed' Status With Hilarious Clip Of Squirrel Driving Popemobile"

Today's headline: "Oscar Nominations 2009: A List Of Surprises"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Very Few People Bother To Watch As Oscars Awarded To Films, Actors No One In Your Family Has Heard Of, Much Less Seen"

Today's headline: "Ricketts Set To Buy Cubs, Wrigley For $900 Million"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Ricketts Asks Tribune Company About Its Return Policy"

This week's news today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:

In the nightmares of paranoiacs everywhere who still refer to him pointedly as "Barack Hussein Obama," Barack Hussein Obama will end his oath of office on Tuesday not with the phrase "so help me God" but with the word "suckers" ...

... in a valuable limited-time offer to honor Tuesday's historic inauguration, a photocopied image of Barack Obama's face will be attached with double-sided tape to recycled Chuck E. Cheese game tokens, creating a collector's item to be sold for only $9.95 (plus shipping and handling) via a 1-800 number featured on late-night television commercials ...

... silently and without media fanfare, a flock of unidentified big brown birds, possibly geese, will conduct a memorial service along the Hudson River for comrades lost in action last week ...

... the $40 million runaway train that is "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" will ensure at least five more years for the Kevin James Era of film ...

... and cynical Bears fans will bemoan the fact that their team passed on signing the incredible Kurt Warner in both 1998 and 2005, ignorning the fact that Bears fans would have screamed bloody murder if the team had signed an Arena League graduate and/or a past-his-prime dome quarterback prior to either season.

Hey Swami:

Where have your football picks been? I'm desperate for a win. The Cardinals and Ravens have been killing me with my bookie. Give me the winners for the conference championships, man.

Broken Thumbs

Dear Broke:

The Swami skipped the previous playoff games while enjoying an extended holiday season, celebrating clairvoyant feast days that would be lost on mere mortals, such as and the Shaman Solstice and La Dia de los Ojos.

Although this is not a bookmaking site nor does The Swami advocate recreational/compulsive gambling, here is what the crystal ball forecasts for Sunday:

-- Philadelphia Eagles at Arizona Cardinals: Perhaps stealing a page from the Barack Obama playbook, Kurt Warner has let the world know that the fate of a puppy hangs on whether or not his team wins the Super Bowl. Unlike the White House, the Warner household will be free of soiled carpets in 2009. The pick: Eagles.

-- Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers: The last time the Ravens were this deep in the postseason, Ray Lewis was on probation and his team was about to become the most unpopular Super Bowl champion in history. The NFL kingmakers liked the evil-villain subplot in 2001; some marketing mistakes are only made once. The pick: Steelers.

Swami:

I have a friend -- let's just say his name is President George W. Bush -- who's going to be leaving his job next week. He's got a pretty good pension and all that stuff, but what else does the future hold for him? I mean, is there any chance he can succeed Bud Selig or something?

Anonymous in Crawford, Texas

Dear "Anonymous":

If the post-presidential careers of Nixon, Ford, Bush 41 and Clinton have taught us anything, it is that the United States has a seemingly limitless supply of golf courses.

If former presidents in general have taught us anything else, it is that even the most obscure spot on MapQuest is a candidate for a Presidential Library and Museum.

Oh, and let us not forget foundations. Ex-presidents are big on foundations. Other people call them tax shelters; retired politicians call them legacy-shapers.

So you -- or, rather, your friend George W. Bush -- has a lot of tee times, library blueprints and speaking engagements on the horizon. But let's turn to the crystal ball and be more specific:

Now former-president George W. Bush will make his first post-White House headline on Jan. 22, when he pops into a mom-and-pop Texas cafe for his first breakfast as a private, normal, everyday citizen, accompanied by the team of heavily armed Secret Service agents who will follow him the rest of his life ...

.. in or about July of 2010, following months of speculation about tell-all bombshells, Laura Bush's memoirs will hit bookstores and prove to be about as compelling and earth-shaking as, well, Laura Bush herself ...

... during the 2012 election season, Bush will offer to stump for the presumptive Republican candidate, and will patiently wait to see if and when she returns his phone calls ...

... prior to the Opening Ceremonies of the 2016 Chicago Olympics, Bush will join President Barack Obama and the other living former presidents (including but not limited to an ageless Bill Clinton) for a staged photo opportunity notable for both its history and its awkwardness ...

... and, in 2021, a 75-year-old Bush will finally complete and publish his long-awaited, long-delayed memoirs, entitled "I Know You Were, But What Was I?"

Today's headline: "Senate Democrats Expect To Seat Burris"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Anonymous Democrat Leaves Tack, Glue On Burris Seat"

Today's headline: "'Blizzard' Falls Short, But Another Storm Could Be On The Way"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Regional Weathermen Predict Weekend Plague Of Locusts"

Today's headline: "Bush To Make Farewell Speech On Thursday"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Nation Sorry, Would Really Like To Join Bush At Farewell Thing, But Has This Other Thing It Has To Do, Will Catch Up With Him Later"

Today's headline: "'Slumdog Millionaire' Wins Four Golden Globes in Oscar Preview"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "All Five People Who Have Seen 'Slumdog Millionaire' Say You Really Need To See It Because Your Favorite Movies Are Lame"

Today's headline: "Smith To Take A More Hands-On Approach With Bears Defense"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Sports Radio Hosts, Long-Time Listeners, First-Time Callers United In Outrage Over Lovie Smith Crisis"

Dear Swami:

I guess you think people don't keep track of your supposed "forecasts." Back in the beginning of December, right after we had our first snowstorm, you wrote that the storm would be "a distant memory the next time Lake County and/or the Chicago metro area receives more than 4 inches of snow in one shot." Care to admit you were wrong?

The Snow Miser

Dear Mr. Icicle, a.k.a. Mr. Ten Below:

Perhaps you are referring to the 11 inches that fell in Island Lake on Dec. 19 or the 12.8 inches of snow that fell in Waukegan over the weekend as evidence that The Swami falsely predicted that we would not see a snowfall of more than 4 inches during the winter of 2008-09.

However, it must be noted that The Swami's exact words were that the first snowfall of the year, which occurred on Nov. 30 into Dec. 1, would "be a distant memory" by the time we were pillaged by another snowstorm.

Be honest. After shoveling out and driving through the 40-odd inches already in the books this winter, you can't name how many inches we measured in that first snowfall of the season, can you? Can you?

You cannot. That is what we call a distant memory.

P.S. The crystal ball foresees that the total snowfall for the winter of 2008-09 will surpass the total from the winter of 2007-08 (60 inches), as measured at O'Hare International Airport.