This week's news today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
In the nightmares of paranoiacs everywhere who still refer to him pointedly as "Barack Hussein Obama," Barack Hussein Obama will end his oath of office on Tuesday not with the phrase "so help me God" but with the word "suckers" ...
... in a valuable limited-time offer to honor Tuesday's historic inauguration, a photocopied image of Barack Obama's face will be attached with double-sided tape to recycled Chuck E. Cheese game tokens, creating a collector's item to be sold for only $9.95 (plus shipping and handling) via a 1-800 number featured on late-night television commercials ...
... silently and without media fanfare, a flock of unidentified big brown birds, possibly geese, will conduct a memorial service along the Hudson River for comrades lost in action last week ...
... the $40 million runaway train that is "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" will ensure at least five more years for the Kevin James Era of film ...
... and cynical Bears fans will bemoan the fact that their team passed on signing the incredible Kurt Warner in both 1998 and 2005, ignorning the fact that Bears fans would have screamed bloody murder if the team had signed an Arena League graduate and/or a past-his-prime dome quarterback prior to either season.
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