February 2009 Archives

Dear Swami:

I seem to recall that you predicted the Illinois Senate would vote to remove Rod Blagojevich from office on Jan. 12. The actual date was Jan. 29. Just for laughs, I'll ask if you can predict how all this Roland Burris business will turn out -- resignation, censure, expulsion from the Senate, perjury indictment, slap on the wrist, parking ticket, what?

Lisa M.

Dear Ms. Madigan:

One thing we can all rule out is resignation, no matter how many editorial boards call for it. Roland Burris had the moxie to take a Senate appointment from a governor with one foot in the penitentiary. Why would he turn into a different politician now?

No, once the flames die down, most likely during the second week of March, the U.S. Senate Ethics Committee will meet, everyone will have a chance to look properly concerned about his lapses in judgment, and Burris will be admonished in a public but ineffectual way.

And then, the very next day, at least one Illinois office-holder will announce her intention to run for the U.S. Senate in 2010. Wait for it.

Today's headline: "Burris Plans 3-Point Stop In North Chicago"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "North Chicago Visit Quashed As Burris Goes Into Hiding"

Today's headline: "'Friday The 13th' Scores Largest Horror-Film Debut"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "New Sequels To New 'Friday The 13th' Scheduled For August, September, October"

Today's headline: "FAA Says Texas Fireball Was Meteor, Not A UFO"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Hundreds Of Local High School Graduates Who Never Took Physics Or Engineering Disagree With FAA On Texas Fireball Analysis"

Today's headline: "Presidential Rankings: Lincoln First Again; Buchanan Comes In Last; Bush Put At No. 36"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "George W. Bush Issues Formal Sigh Of Relief"

Today's headline: "Red Sox Slugger David Ortiz Wants Season-Long Ban For Steroid Users"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Baseball Fans Await Season-Long Ban For Red Sox Slugger David Ortiz"

Today's headline: "Zion-Based Minor-League Team Can't Be Associated With MLB"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Zion Minor-League Team's Best Player Is Not Accused Of Using Steroids, Does Not Go On Strike"

Today's headline: "Sen. Leahy Proposes Truth Panel On Bush Policies"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Cheney Blows Nose On Leahy Subpoena"

Today's headline: "Marijuana Might Lead To Increased Risk Of Testicular Cancer"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Marijuana Smokers Hope, Pray This Testicular Cancer Thing Really Is A Bogus Conspiracy By The Man"

Today's headline: "Spokesman Says Octuplets Mom Receives Food Stamps"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Octuplets Mom Accepting Applications For New Spokesman"

Today's headline: "River Flood Warning for Lake County, IL"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Run For Your Lives"

Hey Swami:

What's all this about Kevin Costner coming to Lake County to build a baseball stadium? Is this really going to happen, or is it going to be like that billion-dollar dome they were going to build in Waukegan for the Bears back in the 1970s? Assuming they do get a minor-league team here, what would they name it?

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh

Dear Nuke:

Yes, actor and Oscar-winning director Kevin Costner -- best known for his 1980s baseball movies but who should also go down in history for the brutal final shootout in the more recent "Open Range" -- did go on a Chicago TV station Tuesday morning and announce his participation in a proposal to bring a Northern League baseball team to a prospective stadium in Zion. The ensuing excitement was much greater than if, for example, actor and commercial pitchman Gary Coleman announced he wanted to bring baseball to his hometown.

And now to answer your other two questions via the crystal ball:

-- Yes, this is going to happen, even in the current economic climate. The stadium might end up having fewer bells and whistles, but Costner has stuck his neck out publicly and should be able to pony up his share of the dough, considering that he co-owns a casino and, during his day job, makes $15 million even for movies no one sees ("Dragonfly").

-- As for a name, the Isotopes already play in both fictional Springfield and in real-life Albuquerque, so that's out. Hmmm ... the Union Jacks? The Dowies? The Shilohs?

No, this whole gambit is going to sink or swim hitched to the big name that's bringing it here. Thus, the name will be ... the Dancing Wolves.

Today's headline: "Oil Hovers Near $42 As U.S. Crude Workers May Strike"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Gas Prices Back Above Four Bucks A Gallon"

Today's headline: "Woman Calls Her Engagement To Drew Peterson A Media Stunt"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Media Begs Drew Peterson Groupies For More Stunts"

Today's headline: "Gary Collins Arrested, Suspected Of DUI"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "America's Children Disappointed In Michael Phelps; No Longer Believe In Gary Collins"

Today's headline: "Groundhog Bites NYC Mayor"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Katie Couric Lands Coveted First Interview With Bloomberg Groundhog"

Today's headline: "Cubs Deal Hill To O's, Wuertz to A's"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Fungo Bat Acquired In Wuertz Deal Arrives Via Overnight Mail"