March 2009 Archives

This week's news today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:

Torch-carrying voters will call for the political head of state Sen. Terry Link after his proposal to activate the next generation of Big Brother traffic enforcement cameras in and around Lake County ...

... Sunday's predicted 3-to-6-inch snowfall will be the final time residents of Lake County will use their shovels and/or snowblowers this winter/spring -- though many residents will simply "let it melt" ...

... Congressional Republicans will play an April Fool's Day joke on Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, leaving messages for "Ima Mann" on her personal cell phone and then, perhaps by accident, voting for President Obama's $3.6 trillion budget ...

... despite lukewarm reviews, "Monsters vs. Aliens" will reign supreme over the weekend box office, only to be dethroned next weekend by "Untitled Tyler Perry Project"...

... and the New York Yankees will welcome the Chicago Cubs to the new Yankee Stadium by charging bench players $2,625 per seat to watch each game.

Today's headline: "Obama Laughter: 'Punch Drunk' Or 'Gallows Humor'"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Pundits Blast Obama For 'Blowing Nose' And 'Hogging The Remote'"

Today's headline: "Want To Live Longer? Cut Back On Red Meat"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "America Orders Double-Cheeseburger Just Dripping With Juicy Goodness"

Today's headline: "Student Kicked Off Bus Over Passed Gas"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Supreme Court Sides With Bus Driver In Landmark Flatulence Lawsuit"

Today's headline: "NFL Extends Deal With DirecTV Through 2014"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Your Cable Bill Goes Up"

Today's headline: "Bulls On Track To Make The Playoffs"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Bulls Swept By Cleveland"

Hey Swami:

Long time, no see. What's all these rumors about Great America going out of business? A friend of mine said he heard in school that they're going bankrupt and will close down sometime this year. Please look into this alleged "crystal ball" and tell us what's going to happen.

The Silver Flash

Dear Flash:

Never say never, as Sean Connery reminded us, but the call here is that Great America will not go the way of Riverview Park.

True, there are rumors to that effect. And where do these rumors come from? Well, there was this article a few months back that ranked Six Flags among the "15 Companies That Might Not Survive 2009."

When you're on a list with Blockbuster and Krispy Kreme, you're not in fast company.

So the bad news traveled fast, and then everything blew up on Friday with the latest bad financial news for Six Flags Inc.

Let's face it: when most people see the word "bankruptcy," they think "out of business" instead of "debt reorganization," and when too many people see "Six Flags," they see "Great America."

But the crystal ball is clear that economies will stumble and parent companies will come and go, but Great America will survive as a regional theme park.

If you don't think so, perhaps you forget a simple revelatory phrase: Bally's Great America.

When you're a cultural institution, you can survive just about anything.

Today's headline: "Waukegan Beats Zion-Benton 70-64"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Waukegan Plays In Peoria: Bulldogs Win 4A Title"

Today's headline: "Thousands Expected At Peace Rallies Across Northern Ireland"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Millions Of Americans Who Couldn't Find Ireland On A Map Expected To Condemn Recent Violence By Binge Drinking On March 17"

Today's headline: "Gates Loses $18B, Still World's Richest Man: The Number Of Billionaires In The World Shrank Dramatically In The Last Year"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Everyone Wants To Give Gates A Wedgie Anyway"

Today's headline: "Grandpa, Son, Grandson Accused Of Burglary"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Police Questioning Embryonic Great-Grandson"

Today's headline: "NHL General Managers Propose Rules To Curb Fights"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "NHL Curbs Fighting, Folds"

Today's headline: "Boil Order Lifted For Waukegan Water"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Waukegan Residents Finally Notified About Boil Order And Death Of Jack Benny"

Today's headline: "Obamas Host Congressional Leaders For Dinner"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Norovirus Sweeps Through Republican Congressional Leadership"

Today's headline: "Man Admits Attacking Chuck E. Cheese Mascot"; "D.C. Bus Driver Punches Out McGruff"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Cheese, McGruff Unite To Exact Horrible Revenge"

Today's headline: "Producer: `Bachelor' Finale Wasn't Fixed"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Americans Plead With Rest Of Civilized World Not To Read Too Much Into The Whole 'Bachelor' Fascination"

Today's headline: "Manny Ramirez Signs 2-Year Contract With Los Angeles Dodgers"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Manny Ramirez Takes Field In Underwear And Bath Robe, Falls Asleep On Warning Track, Homers"

Fox Lake officials will reveal that the mystery petroleum product found in Squaw Creek over the weekend was, in laymen's terms, "hot dog water" ...

... U.S. Sen. Roland Burris, his name now formally preceded by the word "embattled," will announce that Roland Burris also thinks he should resign, but he will not ...

... after enjoying a second week atop the U.S. box office charts by spanking the Jonas Brothers, "Madea Goes to Jail" will finally be undone by the hordes of fanboys waiting to storm the gates for "Watchmen" and then blog about how terrible it is ...

.. following the Cubs' 4-2 loss to the San Diego Padres in Cactus League play, Web-based sports columnists and radio talk hosts will issue their first calls for the firing of Lou Piniella ...

... and the 20-degree high temperatures witnessed between Friday and Monday will be the last such stretch until late November. Break out the shorts.