April 2009 Archives

Today's headline: "County Braces For Feared Swine Flu Pandemic"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Jittery Co-Worker Freaking Out, Talking Your Ear Off About The Whole Swine Flu Thing"

Today's headline: "Same-Sex Couples Begin Tying The Knot In Iowa"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Leno, Letterman, 'Daily Show' Writers Generate Eight Months' Worth Of 'Gay Iowa' Jokes"

Today's headline: "Talladega A Disaster Waiting To Happen Unless Changes Are Made"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Tickets For Mountain Dew 250 Sell Out In Record Time At Talladega"

Today's headline: "'Wolverine' Claws Way Into Theaters"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "If You Had A Girlfriend, She Would Want To See 'Ghosts of Girlfriends Past' Instead"

Today's headline: "Ben Gordon Celebrates His Clutch Shot In An Interesting Way"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Millions Of Young Basketball Players Mimicking 'Clutch Gordon'"

Today's headline: "McDonald's To Unveil New Burger: Third-Pound Angus Burger To Sell For $4"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Angus Burger Debuts; Sales Of Automated External Defibrillators Up 75 Percent"

Today's headline: "Obama Misreads Cuban Offer, Fidel Castro Says"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Fidel Castro Again Appears In Public Wearing Sweats"

Today's headline: "Cheney, Rice Signed Off On Interrogation Techniques, Document Reveals"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Cheney Demonstrates Torture Techniques, Results On CNN Correspondent"

Today's headline: "Prep Pitcher Throws 4th Straight No-Hitter"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Prep Pitcher's Arm Explodes"

Today's headline: "McConaughey Has No Marriage Plans"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Self Married By McConaughey"

This week's news today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:

Earth Day will be celebrated by motorists and homeowners worldwide with the traditional Burning of the Fossil Fuels ...

... during his last full City Council meeting as mayor, Richard Hyde will call for a vote on approving the preliminary plat of subdivision for property bound by Frolic, Cheyenne, Northern and Polo avenues, with conditions as outlined by staff ...

... Internet singing sensation Susan Boyle will announce that she not only has solved her "never been kissed" dilemma, but she has married Simon Cowell following an untamed night of binge drinking and karaoke singing in Scotland ...

... after blaming paparazzi for startling her horse in the riding accident that hospitalized her over the weekend, Madonna will make it a point to approach photographers while at the wheel of a SUV with poor brakes...

... and both the Chicago Bulls and the Chicago Blackhawks will continue to string us along like the giddy fools we are. The heartbreak we seek will bide its time.

This week's news today, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:

The new First Dog, Bo, will become embroiled in the first scandal of the Obama presidency when he is photographed by paparazzi leaving a D.C. area nightclub with an underaged Cavalier King Charles Spaniel reportedly owned by House Minority Leader John Boehner ...

... mayor-elect Bob Sabonjian Jr. will deny Internet-fueled rumors that he will re-charter Waukegan as the 32nd state in the Mexican union ...

... with the third Juan Rivera murder trial starting in Lake County Circuit Court this week, schedules will be cleared for the fourth Juan Rivera murder trial ...

... a 2010 Oscar campaign will start to coalesce around your reigning No. 1 film at the U.S. box office, "Hannah Montana: The Movie" ...

... and, during the first homestand of the season, Chicago Cub fans will formalize plans to boo a player to be designated on Tuesday out of town.

Swami:

I have to drive from the middle of Lake County to the middle of DuPage County all the time, so I've been waiting my entire adult life for Route 53 extension. I voted for that referendum on election day and I'm wondering when I can plan on rolling down to Itasca without stopping at 75 red lights north of Lake Cook Road. Please advise.

Mobile in Mundelein

Dearest Mo:

Unfortunately for the huddled motorists yearning to breathe free, there is a great leap of reality between an "Advisory Question of Public Policy" and a $1.86 billion public works project (2003 estimate).

Some are saying nothing will happen for at least 10 years because of the costs and logistics involved. What they should be saying is that the regional economy could use, say, a $1.86 billion public works project to perk things up, from the construction trades to the commercial development sector.

And if you think Tuesday's vote was nothing more than symbolism, let us recall this quote from then-chief tollway muckety-muck Jack Hartman when asked in 2004 why Will County got an Interstate 355 extension but Lake County was still waiting for its salvation: "There isn't the same consensus on Route 53 north yet."

There is now. Unless you think a 75-25 vote is a squeaker. (By the by, if you want to check out exactly where the puny opposition came from, check out this hilarious map).

The crystal ball says that you will cruise from Mundelein to Itasca on a new ribbon of roadway in ... 2014. Load up the I-PASS.

Today's headline: "Sabonjian Campaign Worker Claims He Was Assaulted"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Historically Low Turnout For Waukegan Mayoral Election"

Today's headline: "'Fast & Furious' Shatters Box Office Records"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Officials Puzzled By Mysterious Spike In Speeding Ticket Revenue"

Today's headline: "Axelrod Hits Back At Cheney: Not Behaving Like A 'Statesman'"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Cheney Invites Axelrod To Go Quail Hunting"

Today's headline: "Cutler Starts Fresh With Bears"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Bear Fans Boo Cutler Out Of Town As Bears Lose Opening Preseason Game"

Today's headline: "The Cubs Win The World Series? It Will Happen -- Finally -- In 2009"

Tomorrow's headline, only from the crystal ball of The Swami: "Bluefield Daily Telegraph Sports Department Issues Retraction"