September 2009 Archives

Yo, Swami:

So if the Bears beat the Seahawks in Seattle on Sunday, they could be in first place by Monday. But I noticed the Vikings get to play the 49ers at home, after they beat the mighty Browns and Lions. Please tell me this cream-puff schedule will come back to bite them.

Ursus Arctos

Dear Bear:

You'll be happy to know that the Bears and Vikings (the whole NFC North for that matter) play a very similar schedule this year. They each play six division games, four games against the NFC West and four games against the AFC North. The other two games are more random. Minnesota just happens to be getting its cupcakes out of the way early. So while the Bears get to end their season against the hapless Lions, Minnesota will be playing the scary Giants. So cheer up, buttercup, it's not that bad. And with pastries in mind, we move on to this week's picks ...

Chicago Bears at Seattle Seahawks: With follicly-challenged Seahawk quarterback Matt Hasselbeck likely out of the game, Seattle will turn to backup Seneca Wallace. College football fans may remember Wallace from this run. Well, this is the NFL. The only humans making plays like that are nicknamed "Sweetness." Swami's pick: Bears.

Kansas City Chiefs at Philadelphia Eagles: Noted dog lover Michael Vick makes his official return to the NFL this weekend. If some people have their way, he will spend the game as one giant dog treat. The karma is just too strong to ignore. But so it the Chief ineptitude. Swami's pick: Eagles.

San Francisco 49ers at Minnesota Vikings: The Vikings love sweets. They have a baby at quarterback, and two fatties on the defensive line. All that candy is bound to slow them down eventually. Swami's pick: 49ers.

Green Bay Packers at St. Louis Rams: The Swami doesn't usually like to pick any game involving the Rams, but I'm always looking for an excuse to run this video. Sweet-looking 1980s dancing aside, there is little chance for this year's edition of the Rams to pull this game out. So in keeping up with a sweets theme, this game will be as easy as taking candy from a baby. Or candy from an appropriately-themed candy jar. Swami's pick: Packers.

Will the Bears and Jay Cutler bounce back from their pratfall on the Sunday Night stage? Will Bret Favre's right shoulder need End of Career counseling from a Death Panel? And exactly how many punts will nail the video screen at the new Cowboys Stadium, a.k.a. JonesTown? Find out as The Swami attempts to improve on last week's 2-2 record:

-- Pittsburgh Steelers at Chicago Bears: The Steelers squeaked by at home, the Bears got squeaked on the road. Naturally, Bear fans are in full panic mode. The pick: Bears.

-- Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions: Brett Favre is well on his way to becoming the greatest Viking quarterback to hand the ball to Adrian Peterson since Tarvaris Jackson. Pick: Vikings.

-- Cincinnati Bengals at Green Bay Packers: Assuming Packer Backers have caught their breath from laughing at the Bears all week -- and understandably so -- they might start to worry about how their new right tackle is actually a welcome mat. Pick: Packers.

-- New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys: Jerry Jones (and the taxpayers of Arlington, Texas) welcome Bob Costas and company to the $1.2 billion monument to recession-era capitalism known as Cowboys Stadium. A game might also be played. Pick: Cowboys.

Hey, Swami:

Where in the heck have you been? Please tell me the crystal ball is back just in time for Kickoff Weekend in the NFL -- and please tell me I'll be able to stick it to my Packer Backer co-workers on Monday morning.

Hopefully,
Decatur Staley

Dear Mr. Staley:

Indeed, the Swami has returned from an extended tour of the Far East and parts unknown, keeping abreast of the latest innovations in soothsaying. And, also indeed, the Crystal Ball is polished and ready to assist with wagers of principle, if not principal:

-- Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers: The Monsters of the Midway are now 59 years overdue for a true Franchise Quarterback. The Pack is now 17 years overdue for a significant injury to a starting quarterback. Something has to give, and it will on Sunday night. The Swami's pick: Bears.

-- Minnesota Vikings at Cleveland Browns: Speaking of nearly two full decades without a significant injury, Brett Favre has defied all logic and many a Swami prediction over the years, but if the elderly quarterback finishes the 2009 season without his right arm fragmenting, the Swami will eat his head dressing. The pick: Browns.

-- Detroit Lions at New Orleans Saints: Remember 2008, when the Swami picked the Lions to win every week as the season wound down, citing such things as "the law of averages"? Lesson learned. The pick: Saints.

-- Buffalo Bills at New England Patriots: Bill Belichick has been waiting all summer to exact a horrible revenge upon the fools who bested him in 2008. Should Tom Brady fail him, expect the quarterback to be found bloodied and cast into a Dumpster come Monday. The pick: Patriots.