Are you related to the substitute teacher in Florida fired from his job and accused of wizardry -- because he made a toothpick disappear? And how do you plan to console him at the next family reunion?

Harold Potter

Dear Harry:

I don't know how it's done in the 21st century, much less in Florida, but when The Swami went to wizard school, we had to make more than a puny toothpick disappear. And, no, we didn't play Quidditch -- we played euchre and pinochle.

But back to the crisis at hand. While his toothpick trick is somewhat impressive, the Swami is betting on this substitute teacher being a mere mortal and not a blood relative. But if the gatekeepers at the Pasco County School District want to be sure there are no pagan rituals being performed in front of the students, they can always drop him in a well to see if he will float.

Just to review that process for those who didn't study their history: if he floats, then he's a wizard, and it's time to arrange a good old-fashioned stoning; if he doesn't float, he's not a wizard ... but the problem solves itself.

P.S. Pay no attention to the expanded information that this teacher is actually in trouble for failing to follow lesson plans and for allowing a student to oversee the class. Never let the follow-up facts get in the way of a good story of hysteria.

What's all this about Judge David Hall having his DUI case moved to Kane County? How is driving an hour away going to keep a fellow judge from going easy on him? I mean, justice is supposed to be blind, but let's face it, everyone takes care of their own in this world.

Call Me Skeptical

OK, "Skeptical":

Does the Swami detect cynicism and lack of faith in our system? Of course -- it's not like you were tip-toeing around the china shop or anything.

Apparently, you noticed that anyone and everyone wearing a black robe in Lake County yelled "NOT IT" when it came time to decide who would call David Hall before the bar. So they shipped the mess out to Kane County, perhaps thinking that judges in Geneva will not have read any newspaper articles, or participated in back-bench gossip, or otherwise discovered that this "David Hall" is a.k.a. "Judge David Hall."

But The Swami foresees that justice will be as impartial as possible in this case -- because if the Star Chamber really wanted to have someone issue a quiet dismissal or a slap on the wrist, they would have shipped the circus waaaaaay down south of Effingham and issued both a gag order and really bad directions to the courthouse.

By the way, Skeptical, the Kane County Courthouse is located at 100 South Third Street, Geneva, Ill., 60134. Visit www.mapquest.com for all your watchdog needs.

I'm outraged that the Grayslake mayor and police chief canceled the motorcycle show at the fairgrounds last weekend. Was this a legitimate threat, or was it just "biker" profiling by the cops?

Ticked on the Tri-State

Tick:

The short answer: A little from category a, and a little from category b. When the Grayslake village people called off the planned Ironhorse Roundup Bike Show, the natives were restless because it was done late on a Friday and, some say, the news was sent out by carrier pigeon.

When the full explanation came out, the situation was still testy, but at least there was a worst-case scenario to envision: If the Grayslake bigwigs were told about a gang threat on Friday and went ahead with an event on Sunday and violence broke out that left someone dead on Monday, there would be absolute hell to pay, not to mention many lawyers.

On the other hand, gang threats are not exactly rare things in this part of the world, and you can bet that basketball games and football games have gone off as planned, not just here but everywhere, after John Law received "information about circumstances which threaten the health and public safety of those attending the event." They just pump up the numbers of constables, keep an extra eye open, send people through a few more checkpoints, and the terrorists don't win.

So maybe the powers-that-be erred on the side of over-caution. Whatever the case, the Swami foresees that there will not be peace in the valley until Grayslake successfully hosts a motorcycle show and everyone forgets an angry weekend in May 2008.

Wait a minute ... maybe Vince Neil can act as a peacemaker ...

I see them DNA tests show that the dead Chicago cougar was the same one they spotted up there in Wisconsin back in January. Should we be angry or thankful that our neighbors let their wild animal invade our back yard?

Sincerely,
Puma Concolor

Dear Mr. Concolor:

Not that it took William Petersen and Marg Helgenberger to figure this one out, but The Swami predicted that the Chicago cougar was the Lake County cougar two long weeks before the forensics confirmed it (and, if the O.J. Simpson trial taught us anything, it is that DNA results are always a slam-dunk case).

Now that the self-congratulations are dispensed with, we move to your question: should we send Wisconsin a thank-you note or a flaming bag of dog waste? Before answering, it might be instructive to look back at the good things and not-so-good things that America's Dairyland has given to the world:

Good: Usinger's meat products; Chris Farley; Harry Houdini; the BoDeans; Danica Patrick; the original Schlitz's; Les Paul; Spencer Tracy; Johnsonville brats; Orson Welles; Frank Lloyd Wright; Harley-Davidson; and the guys who made both "Airplane" and "The Naked Gun."

Bad: Arthur Bremer; Jeffrey Dahmer; Ed Gein; Joe McCarthy; Kato Kaelin.

And the cougar? Because no one got hurt, and the late predator gave us a nice "Shark Week" episode right at the tail end of winter, The Swami hereby puts the cougar into ... the good catgeory, right next to Jane "Malcolm in the Middle" Kaczmarek.

Someone told me Waukegan is backing off that downtown parking plan that scared everyone away from parking (or doing anything else) downtown. When will they scrap the whole thing and blame it on an out-of-touch consultant?

Stevie, Wondering in Waukegan

Dear Stevie Wonder:

The Swami likes your thinking. It has been a public relations nightmare for Waukegan ever since some bean-counter told them to put the screws to on-street parking outside the empty restaurants and mostly-dark Genesee Theatre. The surest way to make sure people never venture east of Green Bay Road ever again is to hit them with a $20 parking ticket and make them feel like a sucker for taking a chance on Waukegan.

And Swami never saw the logic in sticking Hussey's Downtown Tavern on the south end of Genesee -- which is so dormant that you could fire a cannon and never hit a parked car -- and then nickel-and-diming-and-quartering its customers back to Kenosha County.

Talk about the law of unintended consequences. All those extra coins in the meters can never buy back a lost consumer.

But Waukegan's burgermeisters are slowly seeing the light. The 9 p.m. parking limit, enacted in November, became 7 p.m. in March, and now the business community is asking for that to become 5 p.m., along with cutting the fines in half and extending the free-parking window for people who want to gulp-and-git.

Using that geometric progression, your Swami predicts that the city, by September, will be paying visitors 25 cents an hour to pretty-please come downtown and see a show, maybe grab a bite. And it will be money well-spent.

I read in The News-Sun about how CLC wants to give GUNS to their security guards. Why am I picturing a certain jittery lawman from Mayberry with a single bullet in his shirt pocket?

With Sincere Concern,
Jesse Donald Knotts

Dear J.D.:

Ah, how we all love a good laugh at the expense of small police agencies when they stumble into big trouble, or seek powers seemingly beyond their means. Everyone races to crack wise about Bernard P. "Barney" Fife, the loyal and dedicated but frail and ill-qualified deputy to the wise and patient Sheriff Andy Taylor.

In fact, one of Swami's all-time favorite Lake County news quotes came in 1992, when the city of Highwood briefly considered allowing aldermen and building commissioners to carry concealed firearms, and an official at the Illinois Municipal League had this to say: "What the hell, you don't want to put a gun in just anybody's pocket. We
don't need a bunch of Barney Fifes out there."

But times have changed since the innocent days of 1992, when all we had on the public spree-killing scoreboard was the Texas Tower Sniper, the San Ysidro McMassacre, the Luby's Cafeteria Massacre and about a dozen other mass murders that happened every other year or so. Here in the 21st century, spree killings have not only become more frequent, but they've become like tornadoes, something we dread and prepare for, but we also figure they're going to happen sooner or later.

So the Swami advises you to be not surprised if the College of Lake County does end up allowing its trained security officers to carry more than their current arsenal of batons and pepper spray. Times have changed -- in fact, "The Andy Griffith Show" signed off for the last time 40 years ago this month.

What's all this about Tempel Farms getting the equestrian site for the 2016 Olympics bid? Is this just a P.R. move to save the Lake County Forest Preserve District from the wrath of the Tree Huggers? And are the Olympics even coming to Chicago?

We Want Answers in Wadsworth

Dear Wad:

The Swami wondered and wondered why the Chicago Olympic wannabes didn't look at Lake County's Horse Country from the git-go. Wide open spaces already tailored for the horse culture ... easy access to and from the Tri-State Tollway ... Golden Corral right down Dilleys Road for all your strap-on-the-feedbag needs -- why was any other site in Lake County, much less the Chicago metropolitan area, even sniffed at?

Lakewood Forest Preserve in Wauconda was considered because ... let's see ... it has better hills? Maybe, but it was really about what could be controlled. If Chicago is to make this Olympic dream a reality, all the ducks have to be not only in a row, but also ready to be served hot. A public facility looked to be the safe bet until activists starting activating -- which is the last thing you need when you're up against Rio de Janeiro, not to mention Prague.

And now to your final query: Yes, the Olympics will be coming to Chicago. The rest of the world will find out on Oct. 2, 2009, but The Swami is giving this to you now so you can start making arrangements to rent out your Lake County domicile for three times the going rate.

Are you as outraged as I am that Waukegan would even consider putting a muzzle on we, the people, who want to get up and speak our piece during City Council meetings? What kind of police state are we living in?

Love Always,
Vox Populi

Vox, Vox, Vox:

Remain calm. Sure, the Waukegan Town Fathers have rattled their sabers about dumping Audience Time, but it might just end up being an empty threat.

But if there is any outrage to be had here, it is that there wasn't a simultaneous move to dump Aldermen's Time.

Seriously. Have you ever sat through a Waukegan City Council meeting? Neither has the Swami, who usually watches it on Comcast to battle insomnia. Two hours of people speaking just to hear themselves speak. The Usual Suspects, week after week, railing on about the same pet issues, while everyone who opposes them literally rolls their eyes to keep from falling asleep. This is not productive discourse. It is a squabbling family that has tuned one another out.

Realistically, the business of the City of Progress can be taken care of in a clean, quick 30 to 45 minutes. Gag the gadflys, collar the aldermen and put the busywork stuff like "APPROVE PAYROLL" and "MOTION TO PAY THE ANNUAL SPECIALIZED RESPONSE TEAMS MEMBERSHIP DUES" on this wonderful clearinghouse tactic called a "consent agenda." Ten unanimous votes for the price of one, bah-dah-boom, done.

This way, there will be no more counterproductive squabbling ... and everyone will get home for the second half of "Monday Night Football."

I see the kids in Grayslake were evacuated again Wednesday because of another "threatening graffiti message." How much of this is real vigilance in a crazy world, and how much of it is being overcautious while bratty suburban kids take an old prank too far?

Aggravated in Avon Township

Dear Triple A:

To answer two questions with one word: Yes.

Not only are kids dragging out a tired, unoriginal prank, but they're making light of a serious situation -- and, eventually, someone's going to pay for it.

Monday and Tuesday it was threats written on a bathroom at Grayslake Middle School. Wednesday it was Frederick Intermediate School. And last week a similar threat was found at Grayslake North High School.

Each time the schools were evacuated, and in Monday's incident students were actually sent home for the day (a whole five minutes early, but still).

To the immature perpetrator, it may seem like a joke. Scribble a few words ... alarm teachers ... cause an evacuation. Next thing you know, you're outside on a warm spring day - maybe even the warmest of 2008 to date.

But the consequences are bigger. Police and school administrators don't enjoy using their manpower and resources to constantly check the school for bombs or other weapons that can cause harm. They also can't afford not to. Police will tell you every threat needs to be investigated seriously. And they'll likely pursue charges just as sternly.

You see, more often than not, these kids get caught. They blab to friends, they get sloppy. Or they just don't realize schools have cameras in place. Just ask the pranksters who made fake threats to schools in Waukegan, Round Lake and Libertyville last spring. They were all slapped with misdemeanor charges. And the Swami's crystal ball tells him similar charges will be pursued against these new jokesters, too.

So yes, in so many words, these bratty kids are going too far. And it's about time they took up a new hobby ... before they end up getting punk'd at the Hulse Juve-y Center.

Dear Marlin Perkins:
Of course that was our cougar -- the narrative demands that it was. He wandered out of the wild, poked around the suburbs for a while, got bored and headed down to Chicago to party. And, just like the Hippies at the '68 Convention, he forgot the first rule for visiting Chicago: Don't mess with the cops.

The Boys in Blue cracked skulls when them long-hairs wouldn't get off their lawn 40 years ago, and when a cougar wandered into a neighborhood better known as the home of WGN Television and Lane Tech High School, they shot first -- and second, and third, and fourth, etc. -- and only later would ask questions like "was that a cougar or a big dog?"

If you were among those who were hoping that the cougar could somehow have been captured alive and then, maybe, interrogated about his activities and studied for scientific value, you must not have seen every "Godzilla" movie ever filmed, where the scientists always lost out to the military.

Or you forgot the immortal words of Sean Connnery as Jimmy Malone in "The Untouchables":

"You wanna know how to get Capone? They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That's the Chicago way!"

And so ends our two-week diversion from school violence and Hillary vs. Obama and the Recession-That-Must-Not-Be-Named. Trust The Swami, Lake County: We're going to miss the cougar.

Unless, of course, The Swami is wrong about the Chicago cougar being THE cougar ...

Why is it that every time I turn on the news or pick up a newspaper, I see stories about the Gurnee area bracing for flooding? Why do these idiots continue to live and work in a FLOODPLAIN, if they know they may get wet every year?

High and Dry in Highwood

Dear High:

Let's do what the nuns always told us not to do, and answer your question with a question. Several questions, actually:

Why do people build $800,000-plus brick mini-mansions 10 feet from the Tri-State Tollway at, say, Route 137 and Route 176?

Why are the Pritzkers getting millions and millions of dollars for land that commands a stunning view of that same Tri-State? And why do developers constantly knock on Waukegan's door looking to build dozens if not hundreds of homes within hearing distance of both I-294 and Route 120?

Why are there wooded estates smack dab along the mighty Union Pacific railroad tracks in noneother than tony Lake Forest?

Last but certainly not least, why did multi-multi-millionaire Michael Jordan build his Lake County mansion, oh, about a John Paxson three-pointer away from not only those Union Pacific tracks but also Route 41?

Don't ask the Swami. Ask Lex Luthor -- as portrayed by Kevin Spacey in "Superman Returns" (2006): "You can print money, manufacture diamonds, and people are a dime a dozen. But they'll always need land. It's the one thing they're not making anymore of."

There you have it. People choose to live by raging rivers, buzzing tollways and roaring frieght-train tracks because the world isn't getting any bigger -- and in the banquet of real estate, sometimes you have to go with the leftovers.

P.S. Let us know if you can do a shift or two on sandbag patrol this spring.

Remember that one movie with Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman as the cops and they were, like, investigating all this weird-wild-crazy stuff, like a fat guy chained to a table and forced to eat himself to death? That was awesome. But I fell asleep before the movie ended. Did they ever catch the killer? Because there's been some really bizarre stuff going on in Lake County lately, and I'm wondering if he's back on the job.

Frightened in Fremont Township

Dear FFT:

Not sure if there is reason to be frightened. Far as I can tell, Kevin Spacey isn't responsible for this wacky behavior. The culprit is much more powerful. I say you blame Mother Nature. Why? I'll get to that in a minute.

For those who avoided all news reports this week, here's a rundown of what you missed. Within a 24-hour period, three of your more eye-popping stories broke in and around the county.

It started with a Spring Grove principal being caught in a Wisconsin hotel room with pot, porn and two teenage girls. Police say boxer-clad Daniel Markofski was found in the room with porn blaring on the TV and an aroma of pot in the air. And Markofski allegedly had sex the 16-year-old, while a 15-year-old watched.

In Crystal Lake, an unidentified 55-year-old man was found chained to a basement during a house fire. Roommates who escaped the blaze alerted firefighters that the man was in the basement. When they arrived they found him clothed and chained by his neck to a pole, while the home continued to burn. Once freed, the man claimed there was no criminal activity and the chains were voluntary.

As that was going on, police say a sword-wielding Alison Hervdejs was attacking sheriff's deputies inside her Antioch home. The attack -- perhaps inspired by either "Xena: Warrior Princess" or Bruce Willis in "Pulp Fiction" -- was prompted after police came a-knocking to question her about throwing bottles at cars on Route 83. She was shot and hospitalized after twice running at deputies with a samurai sword.

So what's Mother Nature got to do with this? It's simple -- after a brutally cold and long winter, Lake County was treated to a few warm days. And what happens after a few, fleeting days of pleasant weather?

The crazies come out. You see, crazies like warm weather. It's the Florida Syndrome. Take a look at the weird, wild and wacky news coming out of the Sunshine State sometime. It'll blow your mind.

Luckily for us, Chicago weather isn't that consistent. And just days after giving us enough warmth to produce crazies, Mother Nature brought us cold and rain. It's her way of saying sorry. And hopefully keeping the weirdoes away for a bit. Or least keeping them in Florida.

Ah, where to begin, Mr. Whack?

First, Swami has to wonder how tough local gangers are.

Can you really be among the 10 grimmest gangbangers in Lake County if you go belly up to the cops just because the newspaper in town says you should, you now, be a good citizen and go quietly to the hoosegow? Be a good kid, and just raise your hands.

Lord, don't thugs have any pride in their craft these days?

Dillinger must be rolling over in his grave.

Further, Swami has an unreachable itch under his turban about this whole public relations blitz being orchestrated by the feds, Rep. Mark Kirk and Sheriff Mark Curran. Seems wonderfully convenient and pre-packaged.

In three years of collaborating with the Feds, the locals produced six indictments, which (as Swami's brain calculates briskly) is about one every six months. Now with the press-release policing blitz in full force, they get three arrests in a weekend and the tipoffs from citizens are rolling in. Woo-hoo.

So, Swami says to himself, doesn't this mean these mooks were just sitting around waiting to be arrested all along? You wonder what stopped feds or local cops from arresting them a week ago, or last month or last year. But it's nice to know all the federales aren't just working airport gigs to make sure travelers take off their shoes and empty felonious shampoo bottles.

Perhaps you can't arrest a gangbanger in Lake County unless Kirk is running for office and needs to reestablish his I'm-hard-on-crime street cred.

But as crime sweeps go, this one is decidedly limp.

The hardest part of this crime sweep seems to be deciding whose turn it is to hold the press conference and where the press conference will be. The latest press conference (now get this) about arrests of LAKE COUNTY CROOKS in their LAKE COUNTY HOMES was held in downtown Chicago. The ATFers must hate that drive up I-94.

Here's a thought as Swami digresses. Even if this is a cynical election year ploy to reap the benefits of easy arrests (mostly minorities, but you noticed that I bet) and make yourself look extraordinarily Republican, Kirk actually could do some profound good for his rep.

Be a real pro-law Republican. Try it, Mark. You'll like it.

He could publicly renounce the torture of federal detainees at secret CIA lockups from here to Tunisia. He could say that, after thinking it over, water boarding really is torture and he's against it. To this point, Kirk seems oddly befuddled by these questions.

Swami is a pro-law sort of soothsayer and sage. And he's especially fond of the American Constitution and its legal grandeur.

If arresting local gangbangers makes it safer here, Swami is down with that. But Swami would much prefer Kirk show he'd like to make all of us safer by restoring the Bill of Rights particularly and human civil liberties in general.

KIrk's been the cabana boy for an administration that includes several key participants who won't be able to leave the country within 10 months without their own private security guards. They're liable to get nabbed for war crime charges and be hustled off to the Hague.

Even if it's a hard call for Kirk, the rest of the world has a pretty clear view of torture and what befalls those governments that use it.

Ah, where to begin, Dip?

It seems to make so much sense that Swami is almost sure there's no chance for a bill being tossed around Springfield this week.

It would place on the November ballot the right of Illinois voters to recall their state officials through a petition/electoral process. It's not necessarily better than tar and feathers, but it is somewhat more orderly.

Naturally, the Guv is against it (though he claims au contraire in public which no one believes for a moment) and of course Chicago's Hizzoner thinks it's a bad idea, too. What? Democracy in Chicago? Can't conceive of such a thing.

Gosh, you think there's any connection between the jobs being done by Blago and Richie and the threat to their futures such a bill hints at? Hints? Hah! Almost guarantees.

Swami believes voters would rush like a stampede of crazed longhorns in the fall to vote for such a right, and then speed swiftly to the next voting booth and sign their hooves on a recall for the Guv.

Illinois is the only state in the union where voters wax poetic and longingly about the good old days of venerable burglar George Ryan. You can't long for the good old days without a good wax job.

Just think of it.

Under the proposed constitutional amendment, a recall election for state elected officials--governor, lieutenant governor, attorney general, secretary of state, comptroller or treasurer--would require petition signatures equal to 12 percent of the most recent vote total for that office.

If I'm adding right, that means it would take 418,401 signatures to put a Blago recall on the ballot. Seems like an easy call to the Swami.

To get a recall vote for a state legislator would need signatures equal to 20 percent of the turnout for that office in the most recent election.

All this obvious benefit is exactly why Swami cannot decipher the crystal ball to see if it's going to pass.

With the state of political leadership in Illinois being what it is (which is to say comatose), it would seem to require more gumption than exists these days to actually pull off this trick. But Swami has been fooled before.

We shall see.

Ah, where to begin, Am?

For sheer mean ignoramus-osity, we give the nod squarely to 8th District Republican congressional whizbang Steve Greenberg who has stirred up a 1,500 year blood feud by arguing his foe, Melissa Bean, is a secret friend and agent of Serbian Neo-Fascist terrorists.

Hard criticism for a woman who mostly wears pastel business suits.

He's even gone so far as to begin identifying her with her maiden name, Luburich, which has its origin in Serbia.

As with many misaimed political missiles, this one started with Bean giving Greenbrrg a small opening with a tactical mistake. Though she opposes the Prez's support for Kosovar independence (as do many of the globe's nations), Bean erred in having a fund-raising dinner at the home of the Serbian consul general in Chicago. It was his wife, an American-born lawyer of note, who was actually hosting the soiree but Greenberg leaped at Bean's throat with all fangs bared.

First of all, if you want to run for Congress, there are plenty of current wars over which to have a fist fight rather than sliding back into the goo of the Serbian-Albanian scuffle which Bill Clinton put on hold momentarily with a pre-emptive bombing run.

How ingrained is the argument? One side quotes the unfairness of the 1648 Treaty of Westphalia as a pretext for continuing hostility, for crying out loud. WESTPHALIA!

This is an argument that no one is going to settle in our lives (even though Swami is now 252 years old and has another good century-and-a-half to go), and the fact the Prez has sided with Kosovo doesn't end the dispute.

So, Bean has natural reasons to support the Serbian position and receive money from Serbian Americans.

Swami takes no side for now on the ancient, underlying dispute, but he does find it reprehensible that Greenberg calls out Bean this way: "Congresswoman Melissa Bean is flagrantly working on behalf of foreign interests, against the interests of the United States. This is an outrage and today I am asking for an investigation of Ms. Bean's activities as an agent for a foreign government."

When you call a sitting U.S. congresswoman an agent of foreign powers, that tends to get attention.

Swami's view? This as a temper tantrum by an inexperienced candidate who now senses he's not going to win the election and is casting about in the dark for any rock to throw. Desperation can be ugly.

His is a spiteful position, rife with cultural undertones and barely veiled hate talk. Remember the price for inheriting the wind.

And it doesn't help Greenberg that some of the leading conservative political practitioners are on the other side of the Serb-Kosovo issue. Greenberg hasn't called Lawrence Eagleburger a Serbian terror patsy, yet.

If Greenberg wants to debate Bean on the issue of which side in a 16-century-old conflagration is right, Swami says be our guest.

But calling someone a traitor just because they disagree with your position is a low and unbecoming tactic and, more to the point, it doesn't positively distinguish a person seeking to sit in Congress.