Crime: April 2008 Archives

Swami:

I read in The News-Sun about how CLC wants to give GUNS to their security guards. Why am I picturing a certain jittery lawman from Mayberry with a single bullet in his shirt pocket?

With Sincere Concern,
Jesse Donald Knotts

Dear J.D.:

Ah, how we all love a good laugh at the expense of small police agencies when they stumble into big trouble, or seek powers seemingly beyond their means. Everyone races to crack wise about Bernard P. "Barney" Fife, the loyal and dedicated but frail and ill-qualified deputy to the wise and patient Sheriff Andy Taylor.

In fact, one of Swami's all-time favorite Lake County news quotes came in 1992, when the city of Highwood briefly considered allowing aldermen and building commissioners to carry concealed firearms, and an official at the Illinois Municipal League had this to say: "What the hell, you don't want to put a gun in just anybody's pocket. We
don't need a bunch of Barney Fifes out there."

But times have changed since the innocent days of 1992, when all we had on the public spree-killing scoreboard was the Texas Tower Sniper, the San Ysidro McMassacre, the Luby's Cafeteria Massacre and about a dozen other mass murders that happened every other year or so. Here in the 21st century, spree killings have not only become more frequent, but they've become like tornadoes, something we dread and prepare for, but we also figure they're going to happen sooner or later.

So the Swami advises you to be not surprised if the College of Lake County does end up allowing its trained security officers to carry more than their current arsenal of batons and pepper spray. Times have changed -- in fact, "The Andy Griffith Show" signed off for the last time 40 years ago this month.

Dear Swami:

I see the kids in Grayslake were evacuated again Wednesday because of another "threatening graffiti message." How much of this is real vigilance in a crazy world, and how much of it is being overcautious while bratty suburban kids take an old prank too far?

Aggravated in Avon Township

Dear Triple A:

To answer two questions with one word: Yes.

Not only are kids dragging out a tired, unoriginal prank, but they're making light of a serious situation -- and, eventually, someone's going to pay for it.

Monday and Tuesday it was threats written on a bathroom at Grayslake Middle School. Wednesday it was Frederick Intermediate School. And last week a similar threat was found at Grayslake North High School.

Each time the schools were evacuated, and in Monday's incident students were actually sent home for the day (a whole five minutes early, but still).

To the immature perpetrator, it may seem like a joke. Scribble a few words ... alarm teachers ... cause an evacuation. Next thing you know, you're outside on a warm spring day - maybe even the warmest of 2008 to date.

But the consequences are bigger. Police and school administrators don't enjoy using their manpower and resources to constantly check the school for bombs or other weapons that can cause harm. They also can't afford not to. Police will tell you every threat needs to be investigated seriously. And they'll likely pursue charges just as sternly.

You see, more often than not, these kids get caught. They blab to friends, they get sloppy. Or they just don't realize schools have cameras in place. Just ask the pranksters who made fake threats to schools in Waukegan, Round Lake and Libertyville last spring. They were all slapped with misdemeanor charges. And the Swami's crystal ball tells him similar charges will be pursued against these new jokesters, too.

So yes, in so many words, these bratty kids are going too far. And it's about time they took up a new hobby ... before they end up getting punk'd at the Hulse Juve-y Center.

Red Alert, Swami:
Holy cats! Did you see the cops in Chicago bagged a 150-pound cougar Monday? Could this be the big cat that was spotted gallivanting around Lake County? And if it is, what are we going to do to distract ourselves from the crushing boredom of reality from now on?
Sincerely,
Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom

Dear Marlin Perkins:
Of course that was our cougar -- the narrative demands that it was. He wandered out of the wild, poked around the suburbs for a while, got bored and headed down to Chicago to party. And, just like the Hippies at the '68 Convention, he forgot the first rule for visiting Chicago: Don't mess with the cops.

The Boys in Blue cracked skulls when them long-hairs wouldn't get off their lawn 40 years ago, and when a cougar wandered into a neighborhood better known as the home of WGN Television and Lane Tech High School, they shot first -- and second, and third, and fourth, etc. -- and only later would ask questions like "was that a cougar or a big dog?"

If you were among those who were hoping that the cougar could somehow have been captured alive and then, maybe, interrogated about his activities and studied for scientific value, you must not have seen every "Godzilla" movie ever filmed, where the scientists always lost out to the military.

Or you forgot the immortal words of Sean Connnery as Jimmy Malone in "The Untouchables":

"You wanna know how to get Capone? They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That's the Chicago way!"

And so ends our two-week diversion from school violence and Hillary vs. Obama and the Recession-That-Must-Not-Be-Named. Trust The Swami, Lake County: We're going to miss the cougar.

Unless, of course, The Swami is wrong about the Chicago cougar being THE cougar ...

Dear Swami:

Remember that one movie with Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman as the cops and they were, like, investigating all this weird-wild-crazy stuff, like a fat guy chained to a table and forced to eat himself to death? That was awesome. But I fell asleep before the movie ended. Did they ever catch the killer? Because there's been some really bizarre stuff going on in Lake County lately, and I'm wondering if he's back on the job.

Frightened in Fremont Township

Dear FFT:

Not sure if there is reason to be frightened. Far as I can tell, Kevin Spacey isn't responsible for this wacky behavior. The culprit is much more powerful. I say you blame Mother Nature. Why? I'll get to that in a minute.

For those who avoided all news reports this week, here's a rundown of what you missed. Within a 24-hour period, three of your more eye-popping stories broke in and around the county.

It started with a Spring Grove principal being caught in a Wisconsin hotel room with pot, porn and two teenage girls. Police say boxer-clad Daniel Markofski was found in the room with porn blaring on the TV and an aroma of pot in the air. And Markofski allegedly had sex the 16-year-old, while a 15-year-old watched.

In Crystal Lake, an unidentified 55-year-old man was found chained to a basement during a house fire. Roommates who escaped the blaze alerted firefighters that the man was in the basement. When they arrived they found him clothed and chained by his neck to a pole, while the home continued to burn. Once freed, the man claimed there was no criminal activity and the chains were voluntary.

As that was going on, police say a sword-wielding Alison Hervdejs was attacking sheriff's deputies inside her Antioch home. The attack -- perhaps inspired by either "Xena: Warrior Princess" or Bruce Willis in "Pulp Fiction" -- was prompted after police came a-knocking to question her about throwing bottles at cars on Route 83. She was shot and hospitalized after twice running at deputies with a samurai sword.

So what's Mother Nature got to do with this? It's simple -- after a brutally cold and long winter, Lake County was treated to a few warm days. And what happens after a few, fleeting days of pleasant weather?

The crazies come out. You see, crazies like warm weather. It's the Florida Syndrome. Take a look at the weird, wild and wacky news coming out of the Sunshine State sometime. It'll blow your mind.

Luckily for us, Chicago weather isn't that consistent. And just days after giving us enough warmth to produce crazies, Mother Nature brought us cold and rain. It's her way of saying sorry. And hopefully keeping the weirdoes away for a bit. Or least keeping them in Florida.

Swami, I see that law enforcement is claiming a story in the newspaper helped round up some of the "Most Wanted" gang members in Lake County. So I guess you're pretty happy about that, right? Signed, Whacko in Waukegan

Ah, where to begin, Mr. Whack?

First, Swami has to wonder how tough local gangers are.

Can you really be among the 10 grimmest gangbangers in Lake County if you go belly up to the cops just because the newspaper in town says you should, you now, be a good citizen and go quietly to the hoosegow? Be a good kid, and just raise your hands.

Lord, don't thugs have any pride in their craft these days?

Dillinger must be rolling over in his grave.

Further, Swami has an unreachable itch under his turban about this whole public relations blitz being orchestrated by the feds, Rep. Mark Kirk and Sheriff Mark Curran. Seems wonderfully convenient and pre-packaged.

In three years of collaborating with the Feds, the locals produced six indictments, which (as Swami's brain calculates briskly) is about one every six months. Now with the press-release policing blitz in full force, they get three arrests in a weekend and the tipoffs from citizens are rolling in. Woo-hoo.

So, Swami says to himself, doesn't this mean these mooks were just sitting around waiting to be arrested all along? You wonder what stopped feds or local cops from arresting them a week ago, or last month or last year. But it's nice to know all the federales aren't just working airport gigs to make sure travelers take off their shoes and empty felonious shampoo bottles.

Perhaps you can't arrest a gangbanger in Lake County unless Kirk is running for office and needs to reestablish his I'm-hard-on-crime street cred.

But as crime sweeps go, this one is decidedly limp.

The hardest part of this crime sweep seems to be deciding whose turn it is to hold the press conference and where the press conference will be. The latest press conference (now get this) about arrests of LAKE COUNTY CROOKS in their LAKE COUNTY HOMES was held in downtown Chicago. The ATFers must hate that drive up I-94.

Here's a thought as Swami digresses. Even if this is a cynical election year ploy to reap the benefits of easy arrests (mostly minorities, but you noticed that I bet) and make yourself look extraordinarily Republican, Kirk actually could do some profound good for his rep.

Be a real pro-law Republican. Try it, Mark. You'll like it.

He could publicly renounce the torture of federal detainees at secret CIA lockups from here to Tunisia. He could say that, after thinking it over, water boarding really is torture and he's against it. To this point, Kirk seems oddly befuddled by these questions.

Swami is a pro-law sort of soothsayer and sage. And he's especially fond of the American Constitution and its legal grandeur.

If arresting local gangbangers makes it safer here, Swami is down with that. But Swami would much prefer Kirk show he'd like to make all of us safer by restoring the Bill of Rights particularly and human civil liberties in general.

KIrk's been the cabana boy for an administration that includes several key participants who won't be able to leave the country within 10 months without their own private security guards. They're liable to get nabbed for war crime charges and be hustled off to the Hague.

Even if it's a hard call for Kirk, the rest of the world has a pretty clear view of torture and what befalls those governments that use it.