Recently in I am the Swami Category

Dear Swami:

Are you related to the substitute teacher in Florida fired from his job and accused of wizardry -- because he made a toothpick disappear? And how do you plan to console him at the next family reunion?

Harold Potter

Dear Harry:

I don't know how it's done in the 21st century, much less in Florida, but when The Swami went to wizard school, we had to make more than a puny toothpick disappear. And, no, we didn't play Quidditch -- we played euchre and pinochle.

But back to the crisis at hand. While his toothpick trick is somewhat impressive, the Swami is betting on this substitute teacher being a mere mortal and not a blood relative. But if the gatekeepers at the Pasco County School District want to be sure there are no pagan rituals being performed in front of the students, they can always drop him in a well to see if he will float.

Just to review that process for those who didn't study their history: if he floats, then he's a wizard, and it's time to arrange a good old-fashioned stoning; if he doesn't float, he's not a wizard ... but the problem solves itself.

P.S. Pay no attention to the expanded information that this teacher is actually in trouble for failing to follow lesson plans and for allowing a student to oversee the class. Never let the follow-up facts get in the way of a good story of hysteria.

Swami doesn’t know how he developed a fan in Punta Gorda, Fla., which is just a 3-iron shot away from Fort Myers. But he has. So here’s a message for all area Fox Lakers who some day hope to discover warmer climates more to their liking.

Dear Swami, I love that part of Chris Matthews’ TV show when he asks the pundits to tell him something he doesn’t know. Tell me something I don’t know on any topic and let’s see how smart you are. Signed, Winthrop Harbor Warthog.

Dear Swami,

Now that we are in 2008, do you have any promises, premonitions or resolutions for the coming annum? Are you shocked and dismayed by anything? Signed, Lugubrious in Long Grove,

We are the News-Swami. We know the unknowable, reveal the previously unrevealable, sense the nonsensical and, using mystical skills in a borderline near-divine sort of way, will say what needs to be said on any topic that strikes us as interesting.