I seem to recall that you predicted the Illinois Senate would vote to remove Rod Blagojevich from office on Jan. 12. The actual date was Jan. 29. Just for laughs, I'll ask if you can predict how all this Roland Burris business will turn out -- resignation, censure, expulsion from the Senate, perjury indictment, slap on the wrist, parking ticket, what?
Lisa M.
Dear Ms. Madigan:
One thing we can all rule out is resignation, no matter how many editorial boards call for it. Roland Burris had the moxie to take a Senate appointment from a governor with one foot in the penitentiary. Why would he turn into a different politician now?
No, once the flames die down, most likely during the second week of March, the U.S. Senate Ethics Committee will meet, everyone will have a chance to look properly concerned about his lapses in judgment, and Burris will be admonished in a public but ineffectual way.
And then, the very next day, at least one Illinois office-holder will announce her intention to run for the U.S. Senate in 2010. Wait for it.
I have a friend -- let's just say his name is President George W. Bush -- who's going to be leaving his job next week. He's got a pretty good pension and all that stuff, but what else does the future hold for him? I mean, is there any chance he can succeed Bud Selig or something?
Anonymous in Crawford, Texas
Dear "Anonymous":
If the post-presidential careers of Nixon, Ford, Bush 41 and Clinton have taught us anything, it is that the United States has a seemingly limitless supply of golf courses.
If former presidents in general have taught us anything else, it is that even the most obscure spot on MapQuest is a candidate for a Presidential Library and Museum.
Oh, and let us not forget foundations. Ex-presidents are big on foundations. Other people call them tax shelters; retired politicians call them legacy-shapers.
So you -- or, rather, your friend George W. Bush -- has a lot of tee times, library blueprints and speaking engagements on the horizon. But let's turn to the crystal ball and be more specific:
Now former-president George W. Bush will make his first post-White House headline on Jan. 22, when he pops into a mom-and-pop Texas cafe for his first breakfast as a private, normal, everyday citizen, accompanied by the team of heavily armed Secret Service agents who will follow him the rest of his life ...
.. in or about July of 2010, following months of speculation about tell-all bombshells, Laura Bush's memoirs will hit bookstores and prove to be about as compelling and earth-shaking as, well, Laura Bush herself ...
... during the 2012 election season, Bush will offer to stump for the presumptive Republican candidate, and will patiently wait to see if and when she returns his phone calls ...
... prior to the Opening Ceremonies of the 2016 Chicago Olympics, Bush will join President Barack Obama and the other living former presidents (including but not limited to an ageless Bill Clinton) for a staged photo opportunity notable for both its history and its awkwardness ...
... and, in 2021, a 75-year-old Bush will finally complete and publish his long-awaited, long-delayed memoirs, entitled "I Know You Were, But What Was I?"
Does all this talk of impeachment and resignation and "temporary removal" have your head in a spin? Do you find yourself wishing this whole Rod Blagojevich drama would zip ahead to either the climax or at least the denouement? Rest easy. The Swami is here to provide all the important dates to mark on your calendar:
Dec. 17: Illinois House committee meets for a second day of hearings designed to make it seem as though due process is being followed in running Blagojevich out of Springfield once and for all.
Dec. 18, 2:15 p.m. CST: The general public and the nationwide news media pause for a brief second to consider that the comments attributed to Blagojevich by U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald might have been taken out of context, and all he is really guilty of is speculation, political horse-trading, trash-talking and, of course, using the f-word.
Dec. 19: Illinois House, Senate committees on impeachment issue wordy reports that basically boil down to "we're going to do this thing eventually."
Dec. 22: The start of Hanukkah. The powers that be go home for the holidays.
Jan. 5: The Illinois Legislature convenes in special session; articles of impeachment presented in House; television stations interrupt regular programming with Live Breaking News: "The Busting of Blago."
Jan. 12, around lunchtime: Illinois Senate, following a trial in which everyone in the chamber gets their camera time, votes to convict. Pat Quinn is your new Illinois governor.
Election Day 2008's news delivered to you hours before the polls close, only from the crystal ball of The Swami:
Barack Obama, taking the stage around 10 p.m. Central Standard Time before a roaring crowd of untold thousands on an unseasonably warm night in Chicago, will declare victory in the 2008 presidential campaign ...
... Obama's announcement will come whether or not he actually has won the popular vote in enough states to secure 270 electoral votes, but television schedules come before technicalities ...
... not to be outdone, John McCain will step outside Phoenix's Biltmore Hotel around 10:01 p.m. Central Standard Time before a roaring crowd of his own on a seasonably warm Arizona night and re-declare that he is "The Comeback Kid" ...
... McCain's announcement will also come whether or not he has defied every statistical measurement and actually won the presidency, but supporters will be able to point out that the votes at that point will not have come in from the West Coast, Hawaii or, critically, Alaska ...
... speaking of Alaska, regardless of Tuesday's outcome, Sarah Palin will start moving her belongings into Number One Observatory Circle, the official residence of the vice-president at the U.S. Naval Observatory, saying that she is "very, very pleased to be cleared of any electoral defeat, any hint of any kind of rejection by the mass electorate there. Very pleased to be cleared of any of that" ...
... closer to home, Dan Seals will go to bed late Tuesday (or early Wednesday) wondering why, at least for him, Barack Obama's coat has no tails ...
... supporters of Steve Greenberg will head for home rather early Tuesday night, wondering whatever happened to the safe, cozy Republican armchair occupied by Phil Crane all those years ...
... and Lake County residents will wake up Wednesday morning, look out their bedroom window and notice that the landscape has a new and once-unheard of shade of blue.
--and join News-Swami at 7pm tonight to chat LIVE about the presidential election. Also follow me on Twitter where I will be posting updates from all over the county.
You've put it off long enough. There's only two weeks until election day, and you have yet to issue a real "crystal ball" prediction on who's going to win the White House. Inquiring minds not only want to know, they need to know so we can start planning for the next four years. Predict or get off the pot!
I saw Hillary Clinton using a new catchphrase during a speech for Barack Obama -- something about "jobs, baby, jobs." It reminded me of "it's the economy, stupid," and got me to thinking about old campaign catchphrases. But my question to you, Mr. Crystal Ball, is what will be the NEXT campaign catchphrase?
23 Skidoo
Dear Skid:
Indeed, Sen. Clinton, in another attempt to look supportive of former blood rival Barack Obama, stumped for the Democratic presidential nominee in Philadelphia Monday and mocked the "drill, baby, drill" chant made semi-famous during the Republican National Convention.
The moment reassured a jittery nation that our political leaders will always come up with a snappy expression during a time of crisis -- or, in their case, a political campaign:
"There you go again," said Republican presidential candidate Ronald Reagan in 1980, torching Jimmy Carter's Medicare critique with a practiced theatrical flourish rather than getting bogged down in the details.
"I didn't inhale it, and never tried it again," said Democratic presidential candidate Bill Clinton in 1992, demonstrating a refreshing honesty that would become his trademark.
And surely we all remember Lloyd Bentsen's spontaneous and obviously rehearsed dismissal of Dan Quayle in 1988: "Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy." That one critical turn of phrase no doubt helped lock up, oh, let's just say Hawaii's 4 electoral votes out of the 111 taken by the powerhouse Dukakis-Bentsen ticket.
But to your question: What will we be hearing from the presidential and vice-presidential candidates in the next three weeks? The crystal ball can reveal the following, though you will have to wait and see the context for each:
"The only thing we have to fear is my opponent itself."
"John McCain is the night-time sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so-you-can-rest medicine."
"Senator, you ignorant slut."
"Come, son of Jor-El -- kneel before Zod!"
"Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend Barack Obama and Joe Biden for their patients who chew gum."
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain."
"From hell's heart, I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee."
"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."
I saw on the news Monday that the price of oil dropped under $88 a barrel, and that this was the lowest it's been since February. What were we paying for a gallon of gas back then? Was it anything like it is now? My memory is fading from all the bills I have to pay.
And now to your question: What were Lake County residents paying for gas the last time light, sweet crude was under $88? Well, the crystal ball only sees into the future ... but The Swami just happens to save receipts. For exactly these circumstances.
On Feb. 15, 2008 -- nine days after the date in question and four days before oil would hit $100 a barrel for the first time -- one could purchase gasoline for $2.99 a gallon at the Murphy Oil on Waukegan Road in Fountain Square. At 1:47 p.m., to be precise.
In other words, depending on where you get your gas in October 2008, Big Oil still owes us about 50 cents a gallon. Not that any of us will hold our breath.
I've been watching CNBC and "Mad Money" and "Cavuto on Business" and all that stuff, and they go on and on about how this financial crisis will affect "Main Street." But they have yet to really tell me how this will affect, well, me, specifically. This is exactly where a crystal ball is needed, so get to it.
Widespread Panic
Dear W.P.:
Ask and you shall receive. The Swami trusts that, like Don Vito Corleone, you are a person who insists on hearing bad news immediately, so let us, indeed, get to it:
-- Have you heard the joke about how, in situations such as these, a 401K becomes a 201K? Well, gazing specifically at your portfolio -- which you loaded with high-risk stocks back in the summer of 2000 and forgot all about -- it looks like your retirement nest egg will be about a 1K.
-- You know that credit card application you got in the mail the other day? The one that enticed you with checks that you could write against a new account? The one you were going to use to write a check that would cover the outstanding balances on your other credit cards? Well, too late.
-- As for your our daughter, a senior in high school who was hoping for student loans to cover the $22,000 in tuition, fees, room and board at the U of I ... hmmmm ... start dropping none-too-subtle hints about the College of Lake County.
-- Oh, and that new or used car you're going to need in the dead of winter when your 125,000-mile Chevrolet Malibu craps out in the snow? The only loans available will be from a guy who breaks tumbs.
But don't get all down in the mouth. True, both the financial markets and the credit culture are teetering on the brink with all of this, but our employees in Congress are still at their desks, trying to hammer out an agreement.
Or maybe that is the kind of scenario that puts the "panic" in the phrase "financial panic."
With all these news flashes coming out about John McCain's vice-presidential nominee in early September, can you predict the "October Surprise" and who it will hit? I'm going to place a bet between Obama and McCain, so I want to get the dirt as early as possible.
The Gambler
Dear Kenny:
What news flashes are you referring to regarding Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin? The fired state trooper investigation? The pregnant daughter? The affiliation with an Alaskan secessionist movement? The effort to ban books at the town library? Makes you wonder if the McCain camp had her simply fill out a standard employment application from Wendy's or Taco Bell.
To your question: Between now and election day, the following Gotcha moments will grab headlines, muddy the waters and distract American voters from trivial things like the economy and Iraq:
... Barack Obama will be revealed to have $1.40 worth of outstanding late fines at the Chicago Public Library ...
... a former neighbor of Joe Biden will come forward with photos showing the Delaware senator dumping a bag of grass clippings in a wooded area near their neighborhood ...
... and John McCain, under pressure following leaks to the Internet media, will admit to frequently parking his car across two spaces at strip malls across the nation.
But be reminded that all of this will come to nothing in the 2008 American political culture, where we rationalize the bad behavior of our favored parties -- Bill Clinton's womanizing, George W. Bush's Air National Guard record, etcetera, etcetera -- or ignore it entirely.
At the end of the day, those "moral values" we pound our chest about finish a distant second to "winning elections."
Now that the Beijing Olympics are over, what do you really think of Chicago's chances to host the summer games in 2016? Should I start lining up for tickets now, or should I plan on flying down to Rio? Or Tokyo? Or Madrid? Local minds want to know.
Mike L. Fellps
Dear Michael:
Yes, it will be but a short year from October when we shall learn who will host the Games of the XXXI Olympiad ... unless one has a crystal ball, in which case we can knock that out right now and either put the champagne on ice or start the grieving process.
But maybe we don't even need to peer into the future. Let's just look at the facts -- removed from the running for various reasons in the recent past were some fairly big wheels: Buenos Aires; Delhi, India; Dubai (that would be in the United Arab Emirates); and Rome (the one in Italy, not Illinois or Indiana).
More recently eliminated by the almighty International Olympic Committee were Baku (in Azerbaijan, which was always very hard for Tom Brokaw to pronounce); Doha (in Qatar, whatever that is); and Prague (in the Czech Republic, known by your parents as Czechoslovakia and your great-grandparents as the Austro-Hungarian Empire).
That leaves us with, as you mentioned, Madrid, Tokyo, Rio de Janeiro and our very own Chicago. Many millions will be spent and arms twisted in the coming year by the finalists, making the U.S. presidential campaigns look like a township election by comparison. But these things are elemental:
Madrid is only 300 miles from Barcelona, which hosted the Summer Games in 1992, Tokyo already played host in 1964, and Rio ... well, it is true that the games have never been in South America, but come on -- it's Rio.
Chicago, no doubt, has an inch-thick file of incriminating photographs just itching to see the light of day. When push comes to shove, that will make all the difference.
