Is there any more unwelcome visitor than the NFL Bye Week, passing through your home market like the in-law who spends most of the weekend sleeping loudly on your couch? Don't look now, Bears and Packers fans, but here comes Uncle Bye. But we'll still ask the crystal ball to weigh in on the Sunday to come:
-- Minnesota Vikings at St. Louis Rams: Another dome game against another Pop Warner team for the Vikings, blessed with the softest early-season schedule since Ronald Reagan's waltz through the 1984 Republican primaries (or do you remember Harold Stassen?). The pick: Vikings.
-- Pittsburgh Steelers at Detroit Lions: A week after his kneecap popped out of and back into place against the Bears, Matthew Stafford might or might not be available to play against the fading NFL champs. The Daunte Culpepper Era re-begins. The pick: Steelers.
-- Atlanta Falcons at San Francisco 49ers: Next Sunday night, the Falcons will welcome the Bears back to the scene of the crime. The over/under on number of times NBC will show clips of last October's 22-20 Falcons victory-from-the-jaws-of-defeat is 76. The pick: 49ers.
-- New England Patriots at Denver Broncos: With a Bears bye, the vacuum of 24-hour sports/talk radio needs to be filled, more so than usual. Fortunately, Chicago castoff Kyle Orton and his arranged-marriage partner have a chance to be 5-0 if the Pats can't handle the Mile High atmosphere. Let the half-hearted second-guessing begin. The pick: Broncos.
So if the Bears beat the Seahawks in Seattle on Sunday, they could be in first place by Monday. But I noticed the Vikings get to play the 49ers at home, after they beat the mighty Browns and Lions. Please tell me this cream-puff schedule will come back to bite them.
Ursus Arctos
Dear Bear:
You'll be happy to know that the Bears and Vikings (the whole NFC North for that matter) play a very similar schedule this year. They each play six division games, four games against the NFC West and four games against the AFC North. The other two games are more random. Minnesota just happens to be getting its cupcakes out of the way early. So while the Bears get to end their season against the hapless Lions, Minnesota will be playing the scary Giants. So cheer up, buttercup, it's not that bad. And with pastries in mind, we move on to this week's picks ...
Chicago Bears at Seattle Seahawks: With follicly-challenged Seahawk quarterback Matt Hasselbeck likely out of the game, Seattle will turn to backup Seneca Wallace. College football fans may remember Wallace from this run. Well, this is the NFL. The only humans making plays like that are nicknamed "Sweetness." Swami's pick: Bears.
Kansas City Chiefs at Philadelphia Eagles: Noted dog lover Michael Vick makes his official return to the NFL this weekend. If some people have their way, he will spend the game as one giant dog treat. The karma is just too strong to ignore. But so it the Chief ineptitude. Swami's pick: Eagles.
San Francisco 49ers at Minnesota Vikings: The Vikings love sweets. They have a baby at quarterback, and two fatties on the defensive line. All that candy is bound to slow them down eventually. Swami's pick: 49ers.
Green Bay Packers at St. Louis Rams: The Swami doesn't usually like to pick any game involving the Rams, but I'm always looking for an excuse to run this video. Sweet-looking 1980s dancing aside, there is little chance for this year's edition of the Rams to pull this game out. So in keeping up with a sweets theme, this game will be as easy as taking candy from a baby. Or candy from an appropriately-themed candy jar. Swami's pick: Packers.
Will the Bears and Jay Cutler bounce back from their pratfall on the Sunday Night stage? Will Bret Favre's right shoulder need End of Career counseling from a Death Panel? And exactly how many punts will nail the video screen at the new Cowboys Stadium, a.k.a. JonesTown? Find out as The Swami attempts to improve on last week's 2-2 record:
-- Pittsburgh Steelers at Chicago Bears: The Steelers squeaked by at home, the Bears got squeaked on the road. Naturally, Bear fans are in full panic mode. The pick: Bears.
-- Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions: Brett Favre is well on his way to becoming the greatest Viking quarterback to hand the ball to Adrian Peterson since Tarvaris Jackson. Pick: Vikings.
-- Cincinnati Bengals at Green Bay Packers: Assuming Packer Backers have caught their breath from laughing at the Bears all week -- and understandably so -- they might start to worry about how their new right tackle is actually a welcome mat. Pick: Packers.
-- New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys: Jerry Jones (and the taxpayers of Arlington, Texas) welcome Bob Costas and company to the $1.2 billion monument to recession-era capitalism known as Cowboys Stadium. A game might also be played. Pick: Cowboys.
Where in the heck have you been? Please tell me the crystal ball is back just in time for Kickoff Weekend in the NFL -- and please tell me I'll be able to stick it to my Packer Backer co-workers on Monday morning.
Hopefully,
Decatur Staley
Dear Mr. Staley:
Indeed, the Swami has returned from an extended tour of the Far East and parts unknown, keeping abreast of the latest innovations in soothsaying. And, also indeed, the Crystal Ball is polished and ready to assist with wagers of principle, if not principal:
-- Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers: The Monsters of the Midway are now 59 years overdue for a true Franchise Quarterback. The Pack is now 17 years overdue for a significant injury to a starting quarterback. Something has to give, and it will on Sunday night. The Swami's pick: Bears.
-- Minnesota Vikings at Cleveland Browns: Speaking of nearly two full decades without a significant injury, Brett Favre has defied all logic and many a Swami prediction over the years, but if the elderly quarterback finishes the 2009 season without his right arm fragmenting, the Swami will eat his head dressing. The pick: Browns.
-- Detroit Lions at New Orleans Saints: Remember 2008, when the Swami picked the Lions to win every week as the season wound down, citing such things as "the law of averages"? Lesson learned. The pick: Saints.
-- Buffalo Bills at New England Patriots: Bill Belichick has been waiting all summer to exact a horrible revenge upon the fools who bested him in 2008. Should Tom Brady fail him, expect the quarterback to be found bloodied and cast into a Dumpster come Monday. The pick: Patriots.
I'm reading the fine print on this story about Sammy Sosa using "a performance-enhancing drug" in 2003. It also says there's this list floating around with 104 positive tests from that year, and A-Rod was another one of the culprits. Who are the other 102? Can't go into detail, but I really need to know for legal reasons.
Sincerely,
M.L.B.
Dear Mr. Baseball:
First and foremost, Tuesday's "revelation" about our disgraced former local hero raised more questions than it answered. For example:
-- Was the performance-enhancer a steroid (up to and including HGH), a drug of abuse (such as cocaine or ecstasy), or a stimulant (including amphetamines and certain appetite suppressants)? The list of baseball's banned substances opens the possibility that Sosa ate the wrong brownies at a party.
-- Was it a mere coincidence that this news flash came out just in time to distract the Cubs from focusing on the task of playing the White Sox?
-- Does this ease the sting of losing to the hated Florida Marlins in the 2003 National League Championship Series, since that victory would now officially be tainted?
But now, to your question: Who else is on the dreaded list of shame? A simple glance at the crystal ball reveals the obvious answer ...
Back in the winter when I first asked you about this Zion baseball team they're talking about, you predicted it would be called "the Dancing Wolves." Wrong again. Now that the nicknames have been boiled down to five finalists, which one do you predict will be the winner?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh
Dear Nuke:
The truth of the matter is, the folks at Lake County Baseball were going to name their team the Dancing Wolves, but The Swami demanded a finder's fee. Lawyers got involved, etc. And so we are left with these pitiful candidates:
-- Comets: This was the nickname of not only a defunct team (Kansas City) in a failed league (remember Major Indoor Soccer?) but also of a defunct team (Houston) in a struggling league (the WNBA). And also the name of a defunct compact model from Mercury, the afterthought division of the Ford Motor Company. So, no.
-- Fielders: What, they're naming a team after Cecil and Prince? No.
-- Luckies: Not just cigarettes, but old cigarettes. No.
-- Skippers: Finally, something with an actual local connection. Lake County, home of the finest marinas north of Chicago and literally dozens of, well, lakes. The smart money is right here.
But don't bet on it. Kevin Costner might not like the natural association with "Waterworld."
What's all this about Kevin Costner coming to Lake County to build a baseball stadium? Is this really going to happen, or is it going to be like that billion-dollar dome they were going to build in Waukegan for the Bears back in the 1970s? Assuming they do get a minor-league team here, what would they name it?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh
Dear Nuke:
Yes, actor and Oscar-winning director Kevin Costner -- best known for his 1980s baseballmovies but who should also go down in history for the brutal final shootout in the more recent "Open Range" -- did go on a Chicago TV station Tuesday morning and announce his participation in a proposal to bring a Northern League baseball team to a prospective stadium in Zion. The ensuing excitement was much greater than if, for example, actor and commercial pitchman Gary Coleman announced he wanted to bring baseball to his hometown.
And now to answer your other two questions via the crystal ball:
-- Yes, this is going to happen, even in the current economic climate. The stadium might end up having fewer bells and whistles, but Costner has stuck his neck out publicly and should be able to pony up his share of the dough, considering that he co-owns a casino and, during his day job, makes $15 million even for movies no one sees ("Dragonfly").
-- As for a name, the Isotopes already play in both fictional Springfield and in real-life Albuquerque, so that's out. Hmmm ... the Union Jacks? The Dowies? The Shilohs?
No, this whole gambit is going to sink or swim hitched to the big name that's bringing it here. Thus, the name will be ... the Dancing Wolves.
Can't fathom football? Can't stomach football? Still have to host/go to a Super Bowl party? Fear not. The Swami is here with a clip-and-save list of what the legal (and not-so-legal) oddsmakers would call "proposition bets" for you and your fellow partygoers to enjoy, but certainly not necessarily to wager upon:
-- First beer commercial featuring cute animals that will lure even the youngest children to the screen (Swami's pick: Immediately following the presentation of captains)
-- First beer commercial featuring acceptably overweight Kevin James-type dude pulling off some wacky scheme to get his hands on a light beer rather than his impossibly attractive spouse and/or girlfriend (Swami's pick: Immediately following the coin flip)
-- First John Madden comment on the obvious (Swami's pick: As the ball is being teed up; "This, to me, is football right here")
-- First attempt by Bob Costas to wax poetic about the game's deeper meaning (Swami's pick: Last Tuesday)
-- First reference to Kurt Warner's inspiring rise from Hy-Vee stockboy to the most unlikely great quarterback in NFL history (Swami's pick: Following first completion)
-- Who will star in more commercials: Peyton Manning or horses? (Swami's pick: Manning, by a nose)
-- Number of people who will say "who's the old guy?" when Bruce Springsteen takes the stage at halftime (Swami's pick: Everyone born after 1982)
-- Combined number of commercials for Sunday's special postgame episode of "The Office" and the Feb. 6 episode of "Howie Do It" (Swami's over/under: 54)
-- First family member to fall asleep as Pittsburgh Steelers turn the game into a blowout in the third quarter (Swami's pick: Your dad)
Where have your football picks been? I'm desperate for a win. The Cardinals and Ravens have been killing me with my bookie. Give me the winners for the conference championships, man.
Broken Thumbs
Dear Broke:
The Swami skipped the previous playoff games while enjoying an extended holiday season, celebrating clairvoyant feast days that would be lost on mere mortals, such as and the Shaman Solstice and La Dia de los Ojos.
Although this is not a bookmaking site nor does The Swami advocate recreational/compulsive gambling, here is what the crystal ball forecasts for Sunday:
-- Philadelphia Eagles at Arizona Cardinals: Perhaps stealing a page from the Barack Obama playbook, Kurt Warner has let the world know that the fate of a puppy hangs on whether or not his team wins the Super Bowl. Unlike the White House, the Warner household will be free of soiled carpets in 2009. The pick: Eagles.
-- Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers: The last time the Ravens were this deep in the postseason, Ray Lewis was on probation and his team was about to become the most unpopular Super Bowl champion in history. The NFL kingmakers liked the evil-villain subplot in 2001; some marketing mistakes are only made once. The pick: Steelers.
But the Bigger Picture is that the crystal ball also foretold of the Vikings losing and the Bears winning (thank you very much, Mason Crosby), setting up a final act of drama and anxiety for fans across the Great Lakes region.
What will all of this come to? Let us take a deep breath and take a look:
-- Chicago Bears at Houston Texans: The playoff-hungry Monsters of the Midway will have no problem with the 7-8 Texans ... until they look up at the scoreboard and see what the Vikings are doing to the Giants. The pick: Not that it will matter, but the Bears.
-- New York Giants at Minnesota Vikings: It has been pointed out that the Giants, who have nothing more to gain, gave a spirited effort last year in Week 17, when they also had nothing more to gain, against the undefeated Patriots. It can also be pointed out that the Giants lost to the Patriots. The pick: Vikings.
So there goes the NFC North ....
-- Oakland Raiders at Tampa Bay Buccaneers: And there goes the Wild Card. The pick: Bucs.
P.S.
-- Detroit Lions at Green Bay Packers: The Lions want to avoid going down in history and the Packers have been scheduling tee times since Thanksgiving weekend. The pick: Lions.
